Trying to be the best person you can be

Feel that I owe it to my wife to try and use the time I have left wisely.
So easy to become self obsessed when left on our own.She always said that life was precious,despite her terminal illness

Dear Speedbird, I am so sorry for your loss, and I totally agree with you and wish I could follow your advice.

My husband, who died nearly four years ago, said to me, even though he was seriously ill, how much he loved his life, and I know he would be ashamed of me for not living my life to the full now, but it is so hard to go on without him.

Please take care.

We have got to honour our loved ones wishes if we can.I appreciate nature more now,that was a gift that she passed on to me.I also enjoy sketching portraits of her,
although she might not be too impressed with those.!

Yes, you are correct, but I find it so hard to find happiness in my life now he has gone.

Hi Speedbird47, my Dad told me to live my life to the fullest. Right now that feels impossible, but I am hoping in the fullness of time I will regain the strength and courage to do so.

How might you try and be the best person you want to be?

Lonely, I am sure your husband would not be ashamed of you. Sending you hugs xxx

Guess you can try to do and be your best each day.Maybe learn a new skill,perhaps try and help the less fortunate,and enjoy the memories that we shared with our loved ones.I was so very lucky to have had 44 years with my special wife…

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Hi Speedbird47

I love your positivity. I have just lost my mum after a year fight with cancer, straight after losing my dad. What you say really resonates with me. My mum in her final year taught me what a gift life is. It’s the simple things that are important and loving our lives to the fullest is the greatest honour we can show to the ones we love.

Your wife sounds like an amazingly positive person, just like my mum. It is very early days for me but I am trying to be thankful I had this love and amazing lady in my life for 42 years rather than focus on the fact she is gone. I was blessed to have her and you were blessed to have your wife.

I am going to use my extra time I now have being kind to myself, enjoying nature, helping others and surrounding myself with my wonderful friends.

Life is precious so as my mum would say, “have fun”.

Ann x

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HI Annie,
I dont always feel that life is quite so precious without her now,but strive to make the best of a bad job.Have taken up gliding,as she always wanted me to try that,also short mat bowling.Keeps me occupied.Still miss sharing my days with my special wife though,that feeling will always be there,just the way it is.It is easy to talk the talk,but actually taking my own advice is a lot harder.!We cant afford self pity on the journey that we are on,that is a waste of the time we have been given.I`m sure that you will find the path that you are looking for,as you have the right outlook too.

Hi Speedybird47

Your comment “making the best of a bad job” is spot on. I am sure your wife would be so very proud of you.

One thing I feel is so much more fearless about the small things in life. I’m certainly too scared for gliding (good on you!) But the perspective you get when you lose important people helps you see life is for living. That was another of my mum’s sayings.

Don’t get me wrong, I sob and fall in to the pit of self pity frequently but it is getting yourself out of the pit that is worth the battle and something our loved ones would want us to do, because they loved us.

Ann x

Hi Ann , Speedybird,

I so get what you are both saying. I lost my beautiful wife of 32 years just 6 months ago. I do my best & have taken up some new activities, but still get mornings when I find it hard to get started.

The thing which pulls me round more than anything is I try to imagine how I would want her to be if I had been the one who had died (of cancer) and could picture her in my position. For sure I would want her to go on smiling her beautiful smile and enjoying life. That applies in reverse. Not easy, I still cry for her and the memory of what cancer did to her. It is still very raw. But I have started. I know what the end should be (what I would want for her). Don’t know if I will get all the way there but I am going to have a damn good try. It will take some time. She would not want me sad I do know that and I feel sure that applies to all our loved ones. Started rambling so I’ll finish there.

I hope some of what I have written makes sense & can help in some way.

Richard.

I have just joined this forum and have found these chats so uplifting. My husband died less then two weeks ago and this has given me great comfort. Thank you

Dear Bleu,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss, but we are all here to help you, and we will always reply. Please tell us more about yourself as we are like a family on this wonderful website and no-one will ever understand what you are going through like we do.

Love

Sheila xx

I so agree with the sentiments above. I try hard to continue my life and enjoy the things I used to, often with Mum accompanying me. It is difficult some days when all I want to do is stay in bed and be sad. I think it is just accepting our lives will never be the same again and making a stab at continuing. I went back to a place Mum and I liked for the first time at the weekend thinking I would find it terribly sad but had a lovely morning walking. I could hear Mum in my head being very cross that I was in a secluded place on my own and the risk I was taking. Sometimes a risk is worth taking though.

I am coming up for the second anniversary of losing my Mum and know the sad days will outnumber the better ones for a bit. On the day I will remember Mum with love and then muddle on as best I can.

Having lost my husband less then a few weeks ago I am taking comfort in hearing that there are people here with courage to keep going and who are striving to be the best they can.

Hi Sheila,

I am at this time just bumbling through in a haze. I have huge feelings of loss that I hope will get easier with time. I am organising the funeral and arranging for disability items to be returned. It is all very surreal.

Thank you to all those offering positive thoughts, particularly Richard and Ann. In the midst of our grief for our lost loved ones, it can be a relief to do something positive, such as taking up hobbies, new or old. My husband used to know how much I loved cooking special cakes for him, or sewing for our family, while he was gardening or painting, and I now feel if I return to some of my previous hobbies, or take up new ones, I know he would pleased that I can be fulfilled again. It is not an easy path, on which I am only just beginning, but a way of living the life we have been given. Thanks to all and best wishes.

Deidre

I think it is comforting as well as a relief to do something positive. Making cakes and other cooking in particular. When my Mum passed away I found eating difficult and soup the only thing that appealed. It was also very comforting especially when I had made it myself. Sewing and other crafts as well, I have a big bag of knitting and other projects which I must get back into. They pass the time well so could be a solution for evenings when I am on my own and brooding.

It is so good that people can share their ideas of ways to cope when we are all in such a sad situation.

Hi Deidre

I’m glad other people’s ideas are helping you. I truly believe our loved ones would want us to carry on. Life is always going to be different but we are blessed to have felt such deep love as some people don’t have that. For me I still love my mum and dad and I feel they still love me, despite no longer being here.

That love means I owe it to them to enjoy my new life without them as that is what they would want me to do. Don’t get me wrong, I still fall into despair tears frequently but it is getting back up again that is the important bit.

As my mum said, life is a gift. Don’t waste it.

Ann Xx

Hi Ann

Thank you for you kind, thoughtful words of encouragement. So pleased you can still feel the love of your loving parents. I, too was fortunate in having loving parents, as well as my beloved husband. Indeed, my Mum carried on bravely with her own life when my father passed away, and I now realise I must follow her example and do the same. As you say, we now have life, although a new phase, and should not waste it. Our loved ones would wish us to carry on as the person they knew us to be, and still are, if we embrace our new way of life. Thanks again.
Deidre

Hi Mel, Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Yes, this wonderful site enables us all to give and receive encouragement and help to overcome our present difficulties.

Deidre