Trying to cope

Hello I am new to this site and never dreamed I would be looking for support because I am finding it so hard to cope each day.
I lost my husband in January 2022, he was diagnosed with a rare neurological disease in 2018 and diagnosed with cancer last April, I was coping (just) until the cancer and it turned our world upside down. Before the funeral people were calling me to see how I was but now hardly anyone calls, I think they think that I am coping but all I do is cry.

Sorry you find yourself here but I’m sure you will find it a great help. I’ve just replied to someone about the same subject of people disappearing after the funeral. It seems to be a common thing. I don’t know if people don’t know what to say or they just think we should be ok. Sometimes I think I should reach out and ring them but find it hard to do.
Take care of yourself xx

Thank you Barbara61 for replying. I do try to reach out but most of the time I can’t bring myself to because if I start talking about things I just break down, maybe that’s putting people off?
It’s just so hard, the evening is the worst time and the house feels empty.

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I feel like you, try and put on a brave face and don’t want to spoil the excitement for my daughters wedding in four weeks. Keeping quiet. Have started a new job 2 weeks ago so busy in the day. Sit here crying when alone at night. My husband died in September 2021. Our 38th wedding anniversary coming up on the 28th April. Sandra

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I know that feeling of putting on a brave face, I have done that a lot while I was caring, almost as though I didn’t want people to think I couldn’t cope when in reality I did need help.
I hope you find the strength to get through your daughters wedding, Take Care

Thank you. Look after yourself.

Hi Maxine, Sandra & Barbara,

Sadly I can also relate.

I found so many people reached out in the very early days but, that tailed off quite quickly. For me that time was just a blur. I find that the people who are most likely to check in now are those who have suffered intimate bereavement themselves.

I think people find it very hard to offer comfort because, when it comes down to it there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change the situation and I think many dont know how to offer support.

Someone said “there are no words, there is only love” and I think that’s very true.

I think grieving during Covid was very isolating. I remember thinking that I’d gone from living a very intimate and tactile existence to sometimes literally jumping with shock when anyone made physical contact.

I closed myself off from others because I felt like a liability, likely to burst into tears anywhere anytime and I think tears maybe make others very uncomfortable. I think people might feel like they should do something but they’re not sure what (esp during Covid). I began to feel that it was unfair of me to let friends see how bad I felt and, even though they’ve said otherwise I still feel like that, guilty for sharing, because my grief is utterly relentless and seemingly ever ongoing.

Sadly I don’t have any answer to offer but I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in your feelings. Recently I’ve begun to wonder if I might benefit from counselling, rather than keeping everything bottled up and hidden from people. At least with a councillor I can be exactly as I am without worrying about how my grief makes them feel. I don’t really know what to expect. I was very resistant to medication and counselling to begin with as I could only think that neither could change my situation. While that’s true, I’ve since found that medication has helped alter how I feel about my situation somewhat so, I’m trying to keep an open mind about counselling .

I hope we can all find a way through xo

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Hi Lovlieday
Thank you for your reply,
I hope you do find counselling helpful, I have started counselling through my local Hospice, it really is helpful to be able to talk about the way I feel and anything else that I am doing in my life.

At first I was a bit unsure with talking about my feelings as I have always been a strong woman and also because the councillor I have is very young, but she is very kind and professional, my fears were unfounded and I come away feeling a bit lighter.

Take Care and look after yourself x

I had to to go to the doctor about my anxiety. I didn’t want to go on medication either but since taking them for a couple of months I can say they have definitely helped.
Hope you improve too xx

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That’s so great to hear that it’s been a positive step and is helping feel lighter. I’m glad for you and hearing your experience makes me feel a bit less wobbly about trying it myself.
Thank you :white_heart:

I really understand not wanting to take medication. There’s a bit of a stigma and I just couldn’t understand how it would help. I remember saying to the Dr “they cant change anything” and of course they can’t change the circumstances but I they did offer changes like improving my appetite and helping me sleep which helped with the feelings of our of control desperation I felt. I’m glad I did eventually take them. I’m glad you’re finding them helpful too. I think it was a good number of months before I felt the full benefit so, hopefully you can feel further benefit too.
Thanks for sharing your experience - I’m new to the forum and I can’t believe how helpful I’m finding it :white_heart:

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