Trying to cope

Lost my dad when I was 11 I’m now 47 and my mum past last year a lot of people I no having gone through death and don’t really understand how devastating it can be really find it hard at times

Hi, I couldn’t bear that nobody has replied to you so just wanted to let you know that you were in my thoughts. I lost my brave dad 4 weeks ago and I honestly am not coping very well. I had to go back to work after 2 weeks which I now feel was too soon as I’ve become very ill physically and am now off sick today. My husband is quite supportive but my 21 year old daughter is suffering with depression and I’m so afraid of letting her see me so upset as I know that she really needs me right now. My 16 year old son is doing exams and so it’s just so stressful right now. I find myself thinking that dad hasn’t sent me a sign he’s ok so I just worry myself whether he’s ok “up there”. I know I’m rambling and I really didn’t mean to and just wanted to let you know that I read your post and someone was thinking of you xx

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Hi lost my mam 6 wks ago I’m finding it really hard at the minute it seems to be getting harder sometimes it’s ok then other times it hits me that she really has gone
I know it gets easier to cope with and we are stronger then we think
Take care xxx

Hi Tracey, so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. I too feel like it’s getting harder (yet everyone around me seems to think it should be getting easier). This is the first time I’ve lost someone who I love so very very much and so all these feelings are new to me and being quite a logical person I find myself getting scared at how much I’m feeling overwhelmed. I just feel so drained and sad and worried whether dad is ok up there as I haven’t had a sign. He really suffered the last month of his life and I can’t get it out of my head. Just don’t know what to do really. Sorry xxxx

I haven’t really had sign I smelled her perfume but my brother says he has signs so do my daughters I think she is saying goodbye to them then coming to me forever I know what you mean about been scared I’m the same as mum passed suddenly it’s my first big loss to and there’s no guide book comes with it so like you it’s all new to me but reading on here what we are feeling normal I hope you can find comfort sorry for your loss xx

Hi Tracey, I’m sure the smelling of your mums perfume was a sign, you’re very lucky to have had that. And it’s lovely your daughters and brother have also had signs. I know dad was definitely with me the day after he passed when I was a hysterical wreck as I was just enveloped in the smell of his vape thing. Even my husband and daughter could really smell it. However, I haven’t had any signs since (or maybe I’m too ill and grief stricken to see them?) I’m now seriously thinking of going to a medium but I’m not sure if it’s too soon. I keep trying to tell myself that he won’t be magic at these things as he’s not long gone but I can’t tell you how it would uplift me just to get a tiny sign that dad’s ok. I just need to know he is safe, whole again, peaceful and happy. Xxxx

Well today I finally cracked up, admitted I couldn’t cope and have been to the doctors for antidepressants and referrred for counselling. I’m hoping this will now be the start of me trying to heal. I found a white fluffy feather right next to my car which I’m hoping was from my dad. I also found some old letters from him, telling me how much he loved me and that has really helped too. My dad fought so hard against his illness and defied all medical odds to stay with us as long as possible so I owe it to him to try and summon some of his resolute strength and sheer will. I owe it to my dad’s memory to start trying to heal.
I wish anyone reading this so much love and luck on your journey to healing and acceptance. Nobody knows the depths that grief can take us to but we owe it to ourselves and those that we have lost and love to try and somehow get through it.
God bless xxxx

Well done on going to doc I’m on antidepressants already so think that’s why I coped a bit better I’m picking mums ashes up tomorrow so that’s gonna knock me side ways I really hope you can find some comfort and the feather will be from your dad hope you feel a little better soon take care xxxx

Thanks Tracey. I really hope you get through tomorrow without too much pain and sadness. Perhaps you could look on it as bringing Mum home? Whatever, I’m sure she’s always with you.
Take care too xxx

So sad to read but understand completely as lost my mum on 29 December and although we had been grieving for 7 years as she had dementia and hadn’t known us for so long this last goodbye has knocked me for six. Peoplet don’t mention it anymore at work and they seem to think I am OK now. I try to continue as I did before but the sadness inside is terrible I worry that I will finally break down so keep giving myself time to cry and time to grieve when others aren’t around. I did cry long and hard in my husband’s arms last Friday my mum’s birthday and thought that was a release but today I am so sad again. I did get a sign from mum on the night after her funerall I had a dream we had brought her flowers home and the room they were in was full of greenfly so I fetched a spray and when I returned my mum was in ano armchair next to the flowers, I was thinking oh no how will I move mum away why I spray as she was difficult with her dementia, I approached her gently and as I did she turned to me looked into my face and said “I have had a lovely day”. I woke up in tears and it gave me comfort at that time but one sign not enough you keep looking for more. I think we have to stop looking for signs and slowly and gently let them go but keeping the love for them in our hearts forever. Much easier said than done I know. I know we get through this as lost my dad 30 years ago but it’s a long hard road to acceptance x

Oh I’m so sorry for your loss Rubyrip, I do think you need to be kind to yourself and realise everyone gets through grief in their own way and their own time. It’s still very early days and no way would I be expecting you to be over it, regardless of whether your mum had dementia and perhaps didn’t know you for a while, she was still your mum and you were still able to visit, see her and talk to her and so of course the end will still be a shock and a wrench. Your sign was lovely, how nice for your mum to tell you she had a lovely day, take comfort from that. Since I’m in a better frame of mind, I have had signs which proves that sometimes we are so grief stricken we can’t see things clearly. I think just focus on yourself at the moment and take each day as it comes. I wish you lots of love xxxx

Thank you Lou44 I am glad you are in a better placement we do get there in the end I know xx