Trying to fill in the hole in my life

After losing my 18 year old. I’ve tried keeping busy with all sorts of things. 15 hour night shifts and home care of my sick husband. Numerous college courses, I’ve trained as a yoga teacher and adanced yoga teacher, I go to as many yoga classes as I can and I’ve recently started ballet (november) my husband has bought me a puppy aswell but I still don’t feel I will ever feel whole again. My life has been torn apart. My baby was taken from me and I didn’t get chance to kiss him goodnight or tuck him in. I feel cheated and I feel angry and guilty. I cry at random times in the day and struggle to get out of bed and make myself get dressed and make an effort every morning. I just want to live the pj’s my boy bought me and his hoody I kept that he’d given me a few months before he died and I’d politely refused. I feel the urge every day to just get in my car and drive as far away as I can and just dissapear where no one k ws me and no one avoids me incase I meniton my boy to them. I feel like I’m being selfish and ungrateful and that I should be happy, but I’m not happy… I’m down right miserable. I just want to cry and scream and smash something to pieces, but I cant. I have to keep myself together so my family don’t get annoyed when I’m “crying AGAIN”