Its now been 5month for my finance and I feel like im treading water. I get up, work as many shifts as possible, go home, sleep and do it all again the next day.
Im sick of being told im strong. I am not. I cry every day, randomly, anywhere.
I zone out, im lost. I know people worry about me but I dont seem to be bothered. I sometimes think I would be better off with him but I cant leave my precious children.
I just dont know what to be like anymore.
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I know exactly how this is too. Everyone calls me strong. Lost the love of my life 3 months ago I’m living with heartbreak, loneliness, anger, unhappiness. How am I going to keep going. Stopped work this afternoon I just want to lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. So much going on I just want to stop it all and have him back for one minute I need a hug goodbye
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I understand what you mean. Everyone says I am strong and that I am coping really well (17 weeks come Saturday) but they don’t see me crying into my pillow at night. I think I have always been the sort of person to keep things to myself and I guess that’s exactly what I am doing now
It’s really strange, my tears start in my heart, I get a really strong sensation which grips my chest and then the tears come.
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People only see our fake smiles they dont see the loneliness we endure,the crying we do in private or the wishing it was us that had gone.
I sometimes think that even if they did see this, they still wouldn’t understand how we feel.
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So true, I was not being fake… no fake emotions, which scared everyone away. Or should I say, that some friends just find excuses to ‘leave me alone’, bur really they avoid me like a plague. My grief is just too much, and it is too hard for them to imagine their own mortality. And I was so zoned out in those early days… alone, isolated and abandoned by many friends. God and my husband’s spirit have been there, so I am still here… today.
And I have also read that many widowed people found the same happened to them, which is after few months,the support drop off… and some simply vanish.
So I encourage everyone here to keep our fake smiles. but connect with other widowed people in your area (in person) or here, our tribe understands us much better, and somehow we are a lot kinder to each other.
I am still trying my best to do this, to see if I can make some widowed friends.
Prayers also help … I find…
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I was trying to describe that the other day. Because it’s giving me pain in my chest. It’s so horrible isn’t it. We all seem to be going through similar stuff don’t we.
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@Sososad Yes, my chest pain has been 24 hours a day for about 2 years, and I suspect that my heart is a lot weaker than before…And I still feel the pain today from time to time, only it has shifted to more a deeper submerged dull pain… nonetheless I carry it with me all the time. If we have loved, then this is how we would physically feel together with emotional suffering, it seems. Very sorry that you are feeling it… ah, if only I could ask God for one thing is to take couples away together if they have no children. Take good care, Have a good night. I am signing off now.
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@Sososad I’m selfishly relieved that someone else is experiencing that heartache, it frightens me sometimes as it feels that my heart 
is literally breaking. I’m getting used to it now and I know that when it happens the tears come, I try so hard to stop them when I’m with other people as unless they have been there they don’t understand
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just checking have you been to the doctor to check out your heart any way???
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@Sososad no I haven’t, it’s totally useless trying to get an appointment with my doctor. I’ll see how it goes and if it is still happening in a few weeks time I’ll try to get seen xx
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Hi, so sorry to read of your sadness a.t losing your partner…its so hard to get your head around the new "normal! we find ourselves in. Whats happening to you is perfectly normal, the feelings,crying and sadness. I lost my beautiful wife the day before Christmas 2020 so this time of year brings its own problems for me. I too have sudden outbursts of crying at all sorts of times and places…just cant help it. Since losing Val i have had counselling, numerous anti depressants and like you try to put on a brave face but in my alone time I;m a total wreck. I;m told it becomes easier with time, I hope so, Please take care and hopefully one day things may seem just a bit brighter
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I know its so hard. Thanks for reply. Today I went shopping and everyone was Christmas shopping and I just burst into tears in Asda.
I love Christmas but im not doing it this year. No tree. No celebration. Quiet one for us.
Hope you ok too
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I,m dreading Christmas as its my first one without my gorgeous beautiful wife sue on 1st February this year and I don’t like this new life without sue and I dont think I will ever be happy again
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Sorry to hear.
I know my first one too even tho Graeme hated Christmas I dont so I am feeling it. Me and my children havent been invited to my mams with my sister either so we are having a quiet one at home.
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good luck to just get through it
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happy probably different amount than 101% but we just have to give ourselves a happy life, isnt that what they all would want for us?
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I wouldnt say a happy life at the moment. Im existing which is how im meant to feel right now. Graeme would be feeling the same as me had it been me dying first. Just have to get through best we can.
I am in the same boat i miss her so bad i just want to be with her i cry till my eyes are sore people think im coping but in reality im not
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All the crying actually makes your eyes dry, never realised that, mine sting and are puffy and red so go to the chemist and they can recommend eye drops to help. Simply but definitely helpful.
Hi, know just where you’re coming from. So sorry that you’re struggling with your loss . I lost the love of my life almost 3 years ago, the day before Christmas 2020 so this time of year is especially tough. You’ll have bad days and just slightly better ones but there’s no quick fix. I too cry at all sorts, a day to day existence of times and all sorts of places…all sorts of things trigger me off…a special date, a song …anything . We were so close, as I’m sure you and your wife were, doing everything with each other and for each other. Its just so hard . . , just existing from one day to the next. People ask " You OK" and I say Yes thanks, tho inside I’m dying, an absolute empty wreck. I hope that things will ease a bit for you soon, please take good care mate. Mick
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