5 months ago today, my mum and I went clothes shopping finishing off with a boozy lunch in a pub. We got home, tried on our clothes, hung them up and settled down to a night of tv.
3 days later mum had her mini stroke and 11 days later she was dead. I wish I could turn back the clocks every minute of every day. How did my 74 year old, fun loving mum enjoy shopping and a pub lunch one day then die 2 weeks later?
It just doesnt make sense. I have now deleted our text messages because I found them so upsetting. The last one was on the 11th june when she went to hospital for her carotid artery surgery and she was still waiting at 4pm to be collected. She wrote to me, you just hope they arent going to cancel.
They did, mum came home only to go back in on the 13th and died shortly after surgery.
The text messages were just a reminder of someone who was very much alive and who didnt know they were living their last days. I couldn’t bear to see them every time I went into my inbox.
I nagged mum non stop to go to the doctor or hospital when she was showing signs of her mini stroke but she wouldn’t. And even when she did the hospital started her on aspirin and scheduled surgery but still didnt save her.
As you know I never told my mum I loved her. We just weren’t that kind of family but she knew how much i loved her because of everything i did for her and everything we did together. Your mum also knew how much you loved her.
I cant tell you to stop doing this to yourself because I’m doing it too, every day i torture myself. I’m just hoping that one day we can both tell each other that the guilt has subsided and that we can look back on our mums with happiness. I might be in my 70s when this happens though…