I guess some people may think I am trying to distract myself, and that that is a Bad Thing. Perhaps they are right, but I find that if I keep myself busy I am better. I still fall down rabbit holes frequently, but, for me, that is better than ‘thinking’ too much, because when I do that I start to feel that life isn’t worth living.
At the very least, after a busy day, I get a sense of achievement, that I have done something that needed doing, because if I don’t do it, it ain’t going to get done. When he died everything was in good order, since he died it has all gone downhill. He wouldn’t like that, he would understand what I have been going through, of course. But he would quietly be sad at the state of the garden, and the state of me.
When I opened my emails this morning there was one from Sky TV, my bill was to increase. I phoned them and told them I was leaving because it was becoming too expensive. To cut a long story short, my bill will remain the same and I now have a free upgrade.
I ate a sad and solitary lunch, nearly fell down a rabbit hole there.
Went out into what used to be our garden, and I felt a bit ashamed. So, I set about tidying it up. I mowed the lawn. Well, to be honest, I scalped it because I didn’t know how to set the mower blades. But at least it looks better than it did. (So long as you don’t look too closely). Then I swept up all the moss on the path round the back. It really needs to be jet-washed, maybe I will tackle that tomorrow.
When I came indoors there was a notice on the laptop that said I have to install Windows 11. I have no clue what that means. But I have clicked on the little icon. It is still churning away 6 hours later? He was an IT instructor. Whatever, if it’s still doing it tomorrow I will turn it off and back on again.
And that is what life as a widow is like! Turn it off and back on again.
Anyway, I am not seeking approval, I am just amazed at how much better I felt for a while. It might not be helpful for everyone, but it was for me. Just for a little while, though. I felt stronger, until I came indoors and couldn’t open a sodding bottle. He would have smiled, taken it off me, and opened it. I got a carving knife out and sawed the neck of the plastic bottle. Clumsy, but effective.
It is always the little things that undo us.
Xx
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.