The loss of spousal intimacy in human relationships is utterly unique The sense of loss is profound and cannot be easily replicated. That is why many of us are having to bear such an intense emotional cross. Up until I lost my wife three months ago, the handful of people that I had known that had lost a husband or wife, always seem very composed and kept their feeling bottled up. Certainly my dear father in law was like this when he lost his wife in his 90s and never showed his feelings or was verbal about emotions whenever we visited but no doubt the grief haunted him as it does us all. Some people have described in their posts as having turned a corner after three months, a noticeable lessening of panic, being overwhelmed, of spontaneous crying, and less memory looping. I was on a group bereavement video call recently and an elderly gentleman was a care home resident. With unrestrained sobbing, he said that even after 18 years he could not bear to mention his dead wife’s name and the feelings were as intense. He wondered what the secret was to when you ‘turn that corner’ as he imagined that other participants all look ‘adjusted’ to our personal situations. Many said they just coped. It was truly heartbreaking to have experience this poor man’s abject misery. The pain of losing someone close is overwhelming . You don’t get over it as it becomes a permanent part of you and its about carrying a memory, and building slowly a new life around the loss not past it. Its hard and takes time, lots of time. Some find it an insurmountable obstacle.
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Is this too deep?
No, it is profound. Your post speaks so resonantly. I rubbish this time linear’ and be happy and take comfort from memory. There is a yearning gnawing ache that will never ease or leave in my opinion, and perhaps I would never want it to. The pull of love, takes us to grief
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