I have noticed that there are a few ‘twice widowed’ people posting.
Some have said, as I have, that it seems worse the second time and I am wondering why?
Is it because we were younger the first time? Is grief cumulative?
Are we shocked that lightening can strike twice in the same place?
That we thought we have already had our share of bad luck?
Have we got short memories and forgot what it was like the first time?
Do we think that we should be better at this grief, having experienced it once before?
I am genuinely interested what others think because I am really shocked at how this has affected me. I feel a constant need to assure friends and family that it isn’t because I loved my second husband more than the first. I suppose this is partly because my children are from my first marriage and I want them to know that I loved their Dad just as much.
I hope this post doesn’t upset anyone.
Xx
Hello willow12, I have been widowed twice, also had a close partner. I think that in this situation we never recover fully. Sometimes I think I am being punished
I just don’t understand how is it possible to go through a new grief after it was so painful to recover the first time. There is a sense of why me? Why do some people never get married yet I get to fall in love twice and both unions end in death? Finding it harder than expected even though before saying I do the second time I knew if anything ever happened to him I would survive. But I think that being older now the loss is heavier by realizing this is it. Love is over now. This was my last marriage and everything we had is forever gone. There is also a sense of anger and rebellion looking at people who have been married for 50 years and yet here I am. It’s the realization of losing it all again to the randomness of life.
I agree. A few weeks before my husband died we were discussing surviving bereavement. Both of us had been widowed when we met. I uttered those fateful words “ I managed on my own once, I dare say I could manage again if I had to”. How I wish I had never said that. Now I feel as if God heard me and thought “ Okay, well we will see about that.”
I am really struggling this time.
Xx
Hi @Willow112 I am so sorry this has happened to you twice. We often think about things we have said but therapists will tell you that words can’t bring about something happening. It doesn’t stop us wondering or believing that it did. I’m like you, in that I have said things in the past and then blamed myself for something happening. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened. I’m not in a good place today. Nothing to do and no one to see. Take care of yourself.x
Hi Viajera,
I also feel I being punished. Married happily both times and now they are gone. I was seeing a really nice guy and he passed away in January.
Difficult to move on
Christina47
I have wondered recently if the fiance I had in college with whom I broke up had married me. Would he be dead? Would that have been the fate of any man who exchanged vows with me? I really understand your feelings of being punished.Personally even though I turned 70 in May people say I look fifty- but I will not get close to any other man for the remainder of my life. I am grieving also the loss of any more chances at love. My heart can’t handle any more pain due to death 
I am the same Christina. I will not marry again. Not that there would be much chance of that anyway. I did not intend to marry a second time and nobody was more surprised than me when I said ‘I do’ for the second time. But he was a very special man, happy to help me care for and support my disabled daughter. He had lost his first wife to bowel cancer and had cared for her throughout her illness.
My head tells me that my name went back into the hat with everyone else’s name after I lost my first husband. My heart, however, thinks it’s just not fair. Not only for me but also for my daughter who had already lost one daddy. She loved him and just doesn’t understand where he has gone. Same as me, really.
I feel the same way, I cannot take the chance of meeting someone, which would be most unlikely. I cannot stand the pain again.
Today I read about the Broken Heart Syndrome and it shook me. Sometimes I worry because the heartache and crying spells are so intense that they leave me exhausted. And I have to be gentle to myself and careful with this intense grief. It’s such hard work and you don’t want to do it but there is no choice.
Hi Viajera,
I feel exactly the same. Three deaths and cannot cope. I see my family and a few friends for which I am grateful but nothing seems real.
So pleased to have read your comments. I have been sitting here wondering why life is so unfair. I too have been widowed twice. Once when I was young and the shock made me very ill. I then married a widower and we had a wonderful marriage which lasted for 24 years until his death from Cancer last year. We made the most of our life together as we knew only too well how awful widowhood can be.
I feel guilty because I look at my friends who have never been widowed and I feel resentment. I know this isn’t their fault but it just makes me feel how very unfair life can be. Some people will say that we all get our fair share of grief but I cannot see how that is true.
Sorry to sound so negative but I just feel so desperately sad and know that all the kind people writing on here will understand. Thank you to you all.
I completely understand…I lost my husband 2 years ago. He was 53 years old. I always ask why us, why him and not the family around the corner. It just seems that some people always have good luck and long happy lifes with their love ones when some people have multiple losses. My son who was 22 at the time said that his friends will be in their fifties when they lose their dad so will never truly understand how it feels. Life indeed is unfair and cruel.
Thank you for your reply. When you read the words of others who really understand how you are feeling you feel less isolated and alone. My youngest son was also 22 when I was widowed for the first time at 52 and he said he felt that he had been catapulted to a stage in life that he wasn’t prepared for. At a time in your life when you should be enjoying your youth you suddenly feel a responsibility towards your surviving parent, I imagine.
I completely agree that life is indeed unfair. However, I also feel that I wouldn’t be feeling so sad if I hadn’t had deep love in my life and just because other people may have had long marriages it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have experienced deep love. I hope that makes sense, I suppose what I am trying to say is quality not quantity although both would have been nice I guess !
Take care of yourself and thank you again for your response .
@Beryl1B thank you for your kind words…so true what you are saying. This journey of life is so unpredictable…thankfully I have made some amazing friends on this site who get it. We have meet ups and been away a few times together. Take care beryl and how lovely that you had a second chance of love but how very sad that it was ripped away from you again. Sending you a massive hugs and love Xx
Thank you Hazel for your kind words. It helps a great deal . So pleased to hear that you have made some good friends,
so necessary as we try to navigate a very difficult journey.
Maybe it is because you felt that you already paid your grief dues. Familiar with the horror of widowhood and the struggle to survive the loss, you may be thinking of how it was with the first husband’s death and, older now, wonder if you can emerge again.
You had real love twice in life because of who you are, there is something very lovely about that. Life is never over. I have 2 friends who have buried 3 husbands.
Peace, love and hugs.
Thank you for your wise words which usually indicate a life of experience and empathy for others. Reading your message at 5 in the morning and unable to sleep has helped a great deal, so many thanks to you.
Take care of yourself, a grateful new friend.