Saturday was John’s memorial. 8 weeks since he passed. For the most part the past 8 weeks have been awful, as I’ve needed to go through every cupboard, every drawer and closet and the outbuilding to gather all of his things together for his sons. John and I had known each other for 30 years, and been a couple for the past19 years. For various reasons, mostly proximity to work, we had separate homes the last 8 years and never actually married. That being said, from 2019 onwards he had almost exclusively lived here with me, through covid lockdowns, his heart attack and recovery, broken foot and recovery, and this past year, the diagnosis and beginning of his cancer treatment. He only left when working, but even then he called like clockwork when on the road. We were closer and more in love than we had ever been. Legally though, I have no status, ergo the need to do all that gathering of belongings so that the sons could have what technically belonged to them now. That whole part of the equation was hard and painful enough, but necessary. I suppose in a way it also gave me a purpose as did the planning and execution of the memorial.
Which brings me to where I’m at today. I’ve been in possession of John’s urn the last 7 weeks. Every day, I’d hold what’s left of him, and kiss the lid. On Sunday, the boys took him with them. As the truck with him in it drove away, I finally, totally lost it. The physical pain is real. The loss profound. The phone, so quiet. Thought a good nights sleep would fix things a bit but it didn’t. The bed is so empty. Everywhere I look I see him. Mowing the lawn today all I did was moan and cry. I have always mowed the lawn…what’s the big deal? Well, he would be working on a project, I’d take a hydration break with him, look at the project he was working on, we’d shoot the breeze, have a seat in the Adirondack chairs, make some plans, hold hands and get back to it after a kiss.
There is nowhere here that I can escape. So much was done together…planning, fixing, fishing, just going for a drive. I’ve lost my person, my best friend, my confidante, my love.
Future seems bleak. Lacking in purpose now. What’s the point? And yet, my little ones, 3 dogs 2 cats need me and keep me anchored. Even that though, walking them was one of our often done together couple activities. No escape anywhere.
How in heavens name does anybody get through this when two lives are so intertiwned in the day to day? Can’t even begin to think about the plans we had for the post treatment phase. Was going to be a good summer and fall with him returning to work in December. His disease was highly treatable with what was to be a positive outcome.
Can’t bear to look at the boat that we would go fishing in. Just another reminder of what will never be. He was the teacher, I his student in boating and fishing.
I’m at a place where the silence is deafening, the loneliness overwhelming. I have no idea how to move forward. Each day I get up, do some tasks, get distracted, forget things outright. Some days by noon, I just want to go to bed, but then again, the bed is empty. I hate it.
I know in time that this won’t feel so horribly raw and surreal. That doesn’t help in the now. Having no living family left, John was “it” and the last tie to my mom. Living isolated in the country, far enough away from my past social network doesn’t help. And yet I love this place, and with John’s passing here and his love of it, it is all the more meaningful.
And so I remain lost and in pain.
