Two versions

Losing a partner
1

Everything was fine until the millennium, then my dad died of lung cancer, leaving my 78 year old mother desolate. I did what I could, cooking for her, taking her shopping, seeing her every day, but I had my hands full caring for my disabled daughter. One of my sisters lived a few miles away and worked full time. My other sister filled the hole in my mum’s life, she was selfless. Then, out of the blue, my lovely sister had a brain aneurysm and died. My mum almost lost her mind, she was ill herself by this time and so distressed that she soon followed my dad and my sister. Within 2 years my wonderful fit husband (he ran twice a day and competed most weekends) had a cardiac arrest whilst running. I was left to look after our children and my mother in law. The shock of losing her son so suddenly eventually killed her.
A few years later I remarried, he was a widower. We had a wonderful few years together and he could not have been a better husband or stepfather. Four weeks ago he had a cardiac arrest and died. In the meantime my remaining sister has developed dementia, she doesn’t recognise me any more, is incontinent and often violent. My daughter has become more disabled, I can’t lift her wheelchair in and out of the car. I am as miserable as sin.

Or

I had a wonderful childhood with two loving parents and two lovely sisters who helped and supported me whenever I needed it.
I was fortunate to have the love and support of two wonderful husbands who will remain in my heart as long as I live.
I have a daughter who needs me and gives me the reason to get my sorry arse out of bed in the mornings and gives structure to my day. I have a fantastic son that looks after his sister to give me a break. He sometimes stays over and gets up in the middle of the night to care for his sister so that I can sleep. He takes me shopping and to appointments because I am too scared to drive.
I live in a nice house, adapted to my daughter’s needs. I have a new car when I am fit to drive it. I think I should be able to manage financially. I am still as miserable as sin.

Both of these scenarios are true. I have been concentrating on the first one, now I intend to at least try to remember the second version.
It won’t be easy and my resolve will waver on an hourly basis. I know this because I have been here before. But there is no choice. We didn’t choose this, we just have to suck it up.
Much love and strength to everyone. Xx

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2

Such mixed emotions, how terribly sad, but how blessed you have been to be so loved and obviously still are. I am nearly 4 weeks into the horrendous loss of my husband. 4 weeks ago today at 9pm it all started to go dreadfully wrong, although we knew he was terminally ill, we thought we had more time. You just never know. I am, like you, trying to get on with it, desperately sad, but still managing to laugh when i can. Missing him so much and grieving quietly and constantly, he wanted me to carry on and have a life, easier said than done but i will plod on. Sending thoughts your way x

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3

Thanks, Sassy. Four weeks for you, four weeks and one day for me. Sometimes I feel like God/The Universe’s punchbag. Sometimes I feel that I have been exceptionally lucky. I still feel miserable though. I am sorry you had to suffer the pain of knowing your husband was terminally ill. Whichever way we lose people we love, sudden or expected is equally devastating. The ones left behind just have to endure.
Much love xx

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4

@Willow112 What a fantastic way you have at looking at your situation. You are an inspiration, thank you.