Hello… this is my first post on this community. I am 74 lady and married 51 years. My Husband died in early April 2015 suddenly of a fatal heart attack aged early 70. We were at home and he came in from the garden went to the toilet and collapsed in the shower/ toilet room. I saw him die and heard his last breathing. The medics arrived but failed to revive him.
The shock of it all was indescribable and I have frequent flash backs to that terrible day and the aftermath. I am weepong as i type this…
I will returnhete to add to my post and hope to receive a reply/replies.
Oh Misty, how sorry I am read of your totally utter distress and your sad loss. Next week will be the 1st Anniversary of my loss. My Husband had had a heart attack but he survived. How lucky we thought we were at the time, but No, he developed Heart Failure and succumbed to this on the 6th October. He’d been on End of Life care and discharged with “weeks” to live. These weeks turned into just hours as he passed away suddenly with a cardiac arrest. Like you I witnessed what happened, the final breath etc. I was at home on my own and thought it was a seizure. Some people will ask is it better to have been a witness to our Husbands passing or not to have not been present. That’s a tough one as each brings its own distress and heartache. The total fact is that you were with the man you shared your life with at the ultimate time. He was not alone, nor with any stranger nor in a strange environment. He was in his home, within familiar surroundings with those he loved. No, it doesn’t make the pain easier to bear but you were with him to say “Goodbye” in a sense and that is a big thing. My Husband was 71, I’m 51. He was outwardly so fit before this Heart Attack and I thought he’d live till he was 90. I thought he was invincible. I have had two failed counselling attempts, Cruse and NHS. They were ended as neither counsellor were in the opinion that I was fit enough to withstand the trauma of reliving the events. This week my GP told me I still had reactive depression and as such any further attempts would be of no help at all - some 12 months later. So I do have some idea when you say you are so distressed so long afterwards. I used to advise other people to “try counselling”. I don’t anymore. It will be great for some but it’s not always the solution people perceive it to be. It’s so hard to deal with isn’t it, on top of the loss itself. Do you have a sympathetic lady GP, preferably of an age to have a bit of life experience? She could lend a listening ear and you may both be able to find an avenue to try that may help you, even if it’s just in a small way. My distress mainly comes from all the “what it’s/if only’s”, but I truly empathise and wish you all the compassionate thoughts I can. Please don’t suffer in silence, that brings its own heartache as I can unfortunately identify with. Regards to you.
Thank you so much for replying. I feel your pain as you feel mine. Seeing our dear husbands pass like we did is horrific and how we have coped is a miracle.I went to Cruse counselling in mid 2015. The was a long waiting list but i waited and saw a counsellor for 10 hourly sessions. I had to travel to the venue but i didnt mind. I found it cathartic and coukd be myself. The yoing counsellor was sensitive and this helped me cope. After the 8 sessions finished I had a gap but reurned in early 2016. This helped me as i saw the same lady.
To lose our husbands like we did is so cruel and the shock hits and I am in shock now andcant believe hes gone from me in the flesh. Do you feel your husband is with you in spirit, Tina? I see Ralph clearly in my mind’s eye and its a sort of comfort for me but its so painful snd i cry every day alone and in company too.
I am in bed now and its a king size bed and i feel in an ocean of mattress. My counsellor suggested i lay in the middle rather thsn on the side i always slept on and i tried it snd for me it worked and feel its right for me. I may downsize but even this is a painful thought.as though im shutting him out.
I would like to hear from you again if you pop in. It was good to get a notification vua email of your post
Hi again. What you said about we were with our husbands at home when they passed, the paragraph started with “The Total Fact” struck a vibrant chord and so true so very true and it brought comfort to me and imbedded in my heart. Yes we were together in our beloved home and not separated. Oh… Tina that has helped me focus and strengthened me.
I will read your message daily to keep the link that has been formed. I am pleased i discovered Sue Ryder and the community.
Hello again Misty1 - Thank you very much for your reply. Thank you also for kindly saying you had found one of my comments to be positive and helpful. I read in another post you had been able to get out and about following your loss rather than shut yourself away, I do admire you for that as it’s easy to isolate yourself and cut yourself off. You can lose so much confidence that facing the outside world seems an insurmountable task. I didn’t go out alone for the first 6 months and only then to medical appointments and out of town supermarkets. It will be a year next week since I lost my Husband and yet it feels like a few weeks ago in some ways. Everything seems so different. The only thing I can liken it to is what it must have felt like in the war years when you have left the safety of your home and spent days down in an air raid shelter, and then emerging to find everything you once knew as normality has been demolished. You are stood amongst the ruins of your once familiar and safe world trying to make sense of what happened. Sadly, I don’t feel my Husband around me in ‘spirit". I think it may be because I still don’t fully accept what has happened but I do see him in dreams now and again and although that’s sometimes unsettling I am glad when it happens. Dennis was such a happy and content soul and I really do grieve badly for him for the life he has lost as well as my loss if that makes sense. It’s so hard isn’t it. It’s funny isn’t it how and where you find snippets of comfort. Recently I was telling a lady how “wobbly” I still felt after all this time and she said "It’s personal, and grieving takes as long as it takes’. Strangely enough that is just what I read from a member here just yesterday. I hope I haven’t written too much, I get carried away. Thanks again for your reply it was nice to hear from you. Have a peaceful day. Write back if you would like to. Warmest regards.
Hi Tina. Thank tou for inviting me to post to you again. I have read your last post to me and i want to reply as its been a comfort to me. I do need to collate what i want to say and will come back in here.
Your thoughts about the fact my husband died in his beloved home with me and we were together and we werent separated has given me such comfort and quelled my pain to a degree. We have this in common, dont we; that we were with our husbands at the final hour.