Two Years Gone

It was said to me that following bereavement, the first year is hard because you have all the first anniversaries to cope with and that the second year is harder because you finally realise they are gone for good.

My second anniversary will be two weeks today so I would be very interested to know from anybody who feels inclined to this view, how they felt about their third year.

Hello Greyone. I totally and wholeheartedly agree with you. You can recover from the initial grief period but then, as you say, you are left with the heaviest feeling ever that it is all for real. The irony is that the more that time passes the more people think we must have recovered and are less tolerant towards us. After 17 months I feel so broken with not a clue of how to fix myself. I’m sure some more positive souls will be able to share some uplifting comments but I do send compassionate thoughts to you.

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Hello Tina

Thx for your reply. I have been cautioned many times about introducing time to grief and bereavement. I do think dates are important to give us a perspective without being a true measure.

During this anniversary year, I’ve been trying to fix myself and I find it hard. I am hoping my 3rd Anniversary year will be kinder and allow me to mend myself.

Thank you so much for getting in touch.

G1

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that is why I never talk about my loss. people just do not understand … but they should! most people I know have lost someone!

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Hi

I would agree the second year is extremely hard. For me moving house last year meant that I am experiencing first and second year anniversaries. Knowing I am coming up to the second anniversary of my Mum collapsing and getting the news she was terminally ill is praying on my mind a lot. Also knowing this time last year I was still in the family house albeit selling it. It all feels too much at times.

I do agree people think you should be ‘over it’ after such a short time. I don’t think you can ever get over it completely. I read on here recently the comment that grief softens rather than goes away and I think that describes it well. My grief for the loss of Mum has softened from the all abiding torture it was at first. I think about her every day and my Dad who passed away 26 years ago. For me the gradual losing of the memory of Mum’s voice and laugh is very hard. Her smile is easy as I have so many photographs as I have of Dad.

Greyone your anniversary is today and I am sending you warm thoughts and good wishes.

Mel

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yes indeed. People of have grieved or suffered a loss should understand but don’t always seem to. Maybe that is their way of coping. I have just been thinking that maybe the uniqueness of our grief separates us from everyone else? But there could be many other answers. My reasons for not talking about it are to minimise my own pain and avoid adding to it.

It is such a shame there is no button for a ‘double like’. Today is my 2nd anniversary for my mum. My sister and I are still in the family home. We both had other personal reasons why we didn’t sell and move. So we are going to have another go at it this year.

Here is a quote I’d like to share with you, which I still think of today especially.

“You know, everyone says that the first year is the hardest. But it’s not. In the first year, you are expecting it to be very hard. All those “firsts”, the first birthday, the first wedding anniversary, the first Christmas, the first anniversary of their death. So, you are kind of focused on getting through that. I found” she said “the second year was much harder. Because you’ve been so focused on getting through all those “firsts” and getting through the first year. And now the first year is over, and you find they are still dead. And that’s when it really starts to sink in, that it’s actually real and forever and they aren’t coming back.”

A Cruse counsellor suggested that one reason for my continued grieving is that I am still in what was my mother’s house. So this year I hope to move out and finally start my new life.

Hi greyone my husband died 2 year’s this Friday and I can relate to how you are feeling until you have that loss in your life people don’t understand how you actually feel I personally have one great big void in my life since Robert died and I just don’t know how to fill in such a big gap I’ve got great family and friends that support me but it’s not the same same i just take each day as it comes and hopefully one day I could feel normal again my life has changed for the worst there is not a day goes by that Robert isn’t on my mind but I’m sure he is up there looking down on me I hope eventually you find peace sending you big hugs xxxx

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Hi Janey and thank you so much for posting. I am delighted to hear from someone similar to myself.

On the website somewhere a page called “How can I cope with bereavement?” and i read “The aim is not to get back to normal. It is about understanding how your life has changed and being able to reach a better balance between the good days and bad days.”. I was desperate to get back to normal until i read this. How does that sound to you ?

My problem is in expressing myself. I have spoken to Cruse twice now and each time i find it hard to express myself in a way that i think they can understand. Does that ring a bell with you ?

I went for counselling but didn’t help me so I gave up not to say it would not help others it’s a very hard process that we are all going through and we all deal with it differently I got a ring made with Roberts ashes so he is always with me which I find comforting I miss him every day all I can say to you is you will have good days and bad days but somehow we all get through another day keep your chin up I’m here anytime if you need to chat big hugs xxx

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I found the second year has been so much harder as the grief seemed to deepen, realising that my husband has gone for good, I face each day anew with this realisation and just deal with it often hour by hour

Hello Tina, I agree so much with your post, just finished my second year and the grief has been heavier and harder to bear as reality sinks in. I agree also that you feel an expectation from people that you must have recovered, is hard to live up to this expectation when you feel worse than ever, just broken. I wish there was a way to take the pain away but all you can do is just try and live with it day by day, hoping that it will soften soon, just try and be kind to yourself and not expect too much, losing someone you love is the hardest thing that anyone has to face, my husband and I shared a lifetime together and I feel part of me is missing but I know he would hate to see me so crushed so I keep going and pray every day for strength, just deal with the day in front of you and do whatever you can to lift your spirits, if only for a moment take care

It now seems strange that I posted that question nearly a year ago and I have to say I felt many days difficult because I reverted to thoughts of my beloved mother.

In just over 1 month, it will be the 3rd anniversary of her departure and a strange thought has only recently struck me. Whilst recovering from an illness that required my undivided attention, I find for over a month I never thought once of my mother except in passing. Even now I don’t feel bad about that, but now my thoughts do not turn to mum so often. despite mothers’ day this Sunday and her anniversary in April.

I wonder if it is the habit of remembering that drags us back to be with our beloved and stops us breaking free and moving on from our grief. Surely there is something here I can learn from?

Hi Janey your words really sum up how I feel. It’s the void left that nobody and nothing can fill. Like you I have a greaty family and friends but they don’t take away the loneliness and emptiness. I especially hate coming home to an empty silent house. Like you I just yearn to feel normal again. Hugs to you and Greyone. xx

As i read so many interesting and emotive posts my thoughts turn again to my mother as the 3rd anniversary of her passing approaches. I recently found myself very distracted by 4 days in hospital when i was forced to consider my immediate matters and it was not until i was back at home that i realised my mother had hardly entered my thoughts for the whole time. My thoughts have tried to turn to what this may mean and whether dwell on our depart has a point when it is too long. But even now my old habits of thinking of my dear mum return as they did and i find tears and conversations returning. As the date of her 3rd anniversary approached in 17 days time, i am wondering what to think and do and how to move on ?

I very much look forward to any thoughts of those in the same dilemma now or long ago.

Hello Greyone, My Mother has been gone 7 years this past March. She died 3 of March, 2012. Every year since her death my younger sister and I did something special in our Mom’s memory. Now my little sister is gone too (her death was 3 of May, 2018). I believe they are together, but my Mother’s birthday and day of passing will now always be compounded by the loss of my sister. You will never forget your Mom. There will be times when you will be refocused onto something else, and then the thoughts and memories will resurface. You do not have to move on, but rather “move through” the grief. Three years is not very long to mourn the loss of such an important person in your life. Do not put pressure or expectations on yourself to do, think or feel" anything other than what arises within you as the anniversary gets closer. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, nor is there a time line.

Hi Again Greyone, To follow up on my post, I wish you peaceful and comforting memories of your beloved Mother. I hope you will be able to do something meaningful to you, and honouring to her, on the upcoming anniversary date. Wish I could be of more help. Take care, and be gentle with yourself. Sister2 Xxx

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Hi Greyone

Sister2 has it exactly right in her response. Doing something nice to remember you Mum on the anniversary is a really goo idea. A meal out or visit somewhere she liked going to. The time can then be spent in memories of happier times. I buy myself some flowers for important dates, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas. My Mum loved flowers and always came home from shopping with a bunch. Looking at my flowers reminds me of Mum.

Take care of yourself Greyone.

Out is also good to see you Sister2, I hope things are more settled for you.

Mel

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Hi Sister2 .

Thank you for your thoughtful words. I kind of look forward to mum’s anniversaries because after 50 years i have so many good memories. And even those that are not good i remember with great fondness.

When i was younger i often wondered what it would be like to get and be old. Now just turning 57 , i consider myself to be finding out and its not all bad , its like the penultimate great adventure and i am enjoying finding out about it in my own way.

Thanks again.

I buy flowers every other week, a nice spray of carnations and put them on her dresser to look at. At the moment i use her bedroom as an office.

I’ve given up thinking abut regrets and all those might have been and focus on good things.

Last year i mad a visit to her elder brother Jack because he died a bachelor so many years ago and i did not want to forget him. I was overjoyed and lucky enough to see his inscription in the book of remembrance and a picture of his name on the role of honour so he will never be forgotten.

I also like to visit my mum’s old school, family house and cricket ground where she used to “watch the boys play”.

My favourite though is tea, toastie and cake in here favourite cafe on anniversaries. So looks like i’ll be busy soon. Thx U 2.

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