It’s been over two years now since Vic went away. One day after another. One foot in front of another. Like a long, hard trudge up a steep hill. The days are survived with routine. Walking the dog and doing chores in the morning. Playing my online game in the afternoon. Keeps my mind active. i rarely visit anyone. Not family or friends. I blame the dog. She is reactive and is afraid of strangers. Really it’s because I don’t want to see anyone. I want to hide away in my own little world. Then the evening comes. I hate evenings. This is when I feel totally alone. When others are settling down with families and loved ones. When there are no calls from the children because this is their family time. These are the longest hours. I eat a solitary meal and drink a glass of wine. Then I have a second one because what the heck. I don’t watch the programmes we watched together because there’s no one to discuss them with. No one to laugh with, no one to grumble with. I cry when i hear music that we loved, that meant so much to us. So I trawl through facebook looking for anything that I can ‘like’ or ‘care’. I tell myself that it is better than it was. Next year it will be easier. At 76 I’m too old for a future but too young to totally give up. I’m in limbo. I go to bed and cry.
This breaks my heart reading your story. My husband died suddenly at Christmas. He was 53 years old. I have no closure and no answers. I feel like I am living a new life which I hate and wish I could have my old life back where I was happy. Life is so unfair and cruel. I have some good friends and my son of 22 lives with me. Can you not join any local groups of do volunteer work. Have you got friends who could come over and stay the night or go and stay with your children for the odd night. Something to fill your time so you are not alone. Can you walk with other dog walkers. Big hugs xx
I found your post awfully sad but somehow beautifully written at the same time.
I’m pretty much 7 months in and I often find myself wondering how the future will pan out. When my husband first died, so many people told me I’d find my new normal, I literally despaired every time I heard it. I didn’t want a new normal, I wanted my old life back.
What I have realised is, it doesn’t matter what you want, we don’t get to choose the hand we get dealt I too would rather sit in alone. In fact the only solace i seem to find is going to bed and watching rubbish tv to pass the night away. Then I wake up and do the same routine again and again.
I’m only 38, so I have no choice but to accept this new life. In time I hope that I’ll find joy and be truly happy but there will always be a part of me that’s missing. I know eventually I will have to put more effort into forcing myself to do things that will shape a new life for myself, but at the minute in just tired.
Oh Hazel I am so sorry. 53 is no age. We were just setting out on our big adventure. A new life in a new country. And I’m so glad we did. The memories I still have of a fantastic 12 years. If we’d have sensibly waited until retirement we wouldn’t have gone. I do walk with another dog walker so the mornings are fine. Sometimes I drive to my daughter’s and stay for a few days but that doesn’t take away the emptiness because he isn’t with me. No one can fill that dark hole inside.
Kat it is far too early for you to expect a new life. It will take time to heal and come to terms with what has happened. Just take it one day at a time. Slow steps. xx
Hi @nidrigirl , it just two years for me too. I went to a funeral yesterday, Doug’s sister. Thought I would be okay, but it really hit me. Listening to the eulogy talking about when she was growing up with her two brothers. I heard these stories so many times before from Doug and it took me back to the day he died and his funeral.
Sobbed buckets last night talking to Doug’s photo. Didn’t sleep well just got back from food shopping with a banging headache and feel nauseous.
It seems a long road ahead, my family are all busy this weekend so I’m just sitting in the sunshine in the garden, wondering how long it will be before I see him again. I’m 65, but there will be no one else in my life, he was my one and only love.
@nidrigirl yes he was too young and was still working until the day before. Never got the chance to retire. Never will get the chance to see my son achieve his milestones in life.
Just so sudden so never got the chance to say how I felt about him and how much I appreciate him and love him.
I know what you mean about having a big black hole. You can have a lot of people around you but still feel lonely.
Glad you have a dog walker friend. My friend is now fostering dogs. She rescue a puppy which had been in a cage with 25 other dogs. Unfortunately I’m not a doggy person. Take care and big hugs xx