Tying to cope

My wife died from a heart attack 18 months ago due to suffering with COPD , I’m finding it hard to cope even remembering the good times upsets me, I feel guilty that I couldn’t save her on the night she died, We were married for 42 years I just can’t believe I’ll never ever see her again. My heart is truly broken.
Yes I have family around me and they help and they all think I’m coping really well but I’m not really, they don’t see me on my own.
I guess some of it is self pity and another part is feeling so sorry for my poor wife. and the fact nothing is going to be the same ever again.

Hi John,

I’m so sorry to learn that your wife died 18 months ago and that you’re finding it hard to cope at the moment. I can understand why you’re feeling that your heart is truly broken and I’m so sorry for your loss.

You say that your family think you’re coping really well, that must be difficult for you to act normally around them. Could you perhaps share with them that you’re not coping well?

There are lots of wonderful people in the community who will understand what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. You are not alone and I’m sure they will reply to your post.

Please keep talking to us & take care for now. Trudy x

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Thanks X

Hi John,
I understand exactly how you feel. I lost my wonderful husband 14 weeks tomorrow and life is so very hard.
Like you, I try to appear as if I’m coping but most days I’m not.
Sadly, most people avoid me- not sure if this has happened to you and although some friends have been amazing they have got their own lives to get on with. My son is wonderful but doesn’t live anywhere near me and I certainly don’t want him to be worried about me. Perhaps that’s why you try to give the impression you are ok too?
I only hope that the pain and loss will somehow get less for both of us

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Hi John

I have not felt very confident at replying to posts on the site but often visit, particularly when I am feeling lonely and then somehow I do not feel quite as alone. I was married to my husband 40 years before he passed away suddenly five months ago. We retired together Christmas Eve 2016 and went to see our youngest daughter in America for three months. It was actually on his birthday in September 2017 that we thought he had a chest infection, which turned out to be Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and he passed away in the November.

My family are very caring but some days I cannot stop the tears from spilling over, although I try. Everyone thinks that I am doing really well as I have been helping my eldest daughter in England to decorate and I attend tai chi and am trying to write. It seems very strange going into rooms and Haydn not being there; sometimes I panic as I cannot believe that I will not see him again.

I can relate to you feeling so sorry for your wife as I get terribly upset knowing my husband would want to be here. He was so positive and proud of his health that even I thought he would live forever. When I tell people that my pain is for my husband and not me I am asked “where do I think he is”. Sometimes I wonder if I am going crazy but reading your post makes me think that I am not crazy: it is something you could only understand if you had lost someone.

I cannot look to the future and so try to take life a day at a time. I have found comfort from the postings on this site but my heart goes out to everyone. I am told that time helps but it is difficult to imagine so I will keep trying.

Warm wishes and to everyone who is trying to cope with each day.


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Hello John I lost my wife in February this year My very first reaction was I am glad she is our of pain and suffering then I thought what could I have done more to help her
she had been far worse than I could imagine I had to do very thing for her bathing dressing house work etc. I used to do a lot of cycling but I developed a sympathetic
pain in my leg and now I cannot walk. I get chest pain and break down now and then but I get out on my scooter and meet friends which is a great help . we were married for 63 years and never quarreled. I think it is some thing that every one who is left behind goes though in some way or other but we must try to be positive and look after our selves eat healthy food which will help us to recover to a certain extent.
all the best to you John, regards from thomas [edited by admin]

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Sorry for your loss Susan
No your not going crazy ,That’s just what I thought when my Wife died at first your in shock then you start thinking how can she be there then ten minutes later gone for ever not saying goodbye or I love you just gone !
I was thinking were are you ? and just end up in tears .
Yes does help being on this site you realize this is normal thinking and your not alone,
In time (a long time) I’m hoping we will heal and not forget but learn to live with it in our hearts.
There are lots of other emotions for me anyway I feel anger guilt lost lonely so sorry for my wife and most I just miss our future together.
We just need to be strong and carry on.
Best wishes to all XX

PS Think it helps to come on here and share ,have a good cry and Not bottle it up, let it out.
Love to all.

Really down at the moment when I think 10 or 15 more years feeling like this,So sad.

Such sadness in the loss and we all know the pain of missing our loved ones. On some days I think I am coping ok and then another day and anything can trigger periods of deep sadness. It is 19 months since Ronald died. I can say all the positive things - we had an amazing 44 years together, he was fit until the last three years of his life, he is no longer suffering. Very little works really - I just feel sad that on this lovely sunny day I cannot see a life worth living.
I send love to you all and also the hope that there is something in this day that gives you a lift - remembering the good memories perhaps.

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So sorry to read of your loss,when you have been with someone you love for so long,there is no language that describe your feelings, except to say we both share them. May Lots of peace come to you.

Hi John

I feel the same, I’m 65 and was just starting my longed for retirement when my partner died suddenly in March.
How am I going to get through however many years I have left without him?

All our plans disappeared overnight and I just feel so sad for him, myself and everyone like you who is in a similar situation. I just can’t see a way forward.

Take care John , J x

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Hi folks. I really understand what you’ve shared here. My husband died in February and with him went all our plans for retirement (still some way off) and all other aspects of our shared future. I feel my life effectively ended with his. I too don’t know how to live without him and I pray each day for strength to do so. I am (sadly)pretty rubbish at it just now but I know from the helpful posts on this site that it is very early days for me.

I hope today is more peaceful for you and you find some little moments of pleasure amongst the sadness and dispair we are all experiencing. Yx

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