Unable to cope

I lost my partner, Andrew, a month on Sunday and his funeral was on Friday 2nd October. It’s actually hit me today That I’ve lost him. He was my best friend, soulmate and my everything. We had known each other 10 years but only together for 18 months when liver disease and then liver failure took him. He was 48. I looked after him
For 3 months and was continually back and forth to the hospital. I’m trying to keep it together for my 7 year old who idolised him. (His biological father is a waste of space). I can’t eat, constantly feel sick. I have an ache that I used to get when Andrew went away for work and only disappeared when he came home. My heart is broken. I don’t want to carry on without him to be honest but I have to for my son. I’m supposed to take painkillers for a rib injury (caused by helping Andrew getting off bed or settee) and I don’t trust myself to take them.
I’ve been referred to grief counselling but it will take time. We had so much planned for our future and went through so much to be together. I’m at a loss. I feel like I’m falling into a dark abyss and just want him and our life back :cry:

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Have you tried the sue ryder video greif councilling. There’s not much of a Waite for that. I had my first session this week and found it very helpful.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this pain.
I lost my only sister in April this year after a diagnosis of brain cancer, took less than 4 months, from diagnosis, to death. I’m still fealing sick, at a loss, numb, crying.
Its very early days, for you.

Remember i am only a pm away xx

Dear Sharney,
This is a very difficult time for you and its only been a few days. Dont push yourself to be normal when its too hard just now to do. As a carer and because of the COVID your world has got very small and so not only have you lost the love of your life and are feeling lost you probably don’t really have a lot of support. Having problems with eating and feeling nauseous is perfectly natural during grief. There is one other possibility though it may be remote but it is one you may not have considered, are you pregnant. It has happened before with people in your situation that they have so much on their plate that they haven’t noticed. Do check if its not a possibility then the eating and nauseousness is a natural side effect from grief. I myself lost a stone. However you do need to keep your strength up because of your son. Also feeling sick can be natural because of stress and loss but also because of not eating. The way to deal with it is to eat certain types of food like mashed potato . The thing is to alleviate nauseousness you have to eat liquid sloshing around a stressful tummy makes us feel sick. Its the same with seasickness. So basically you need to eat little and regular dry foods. Ypu need to eat to keep your strength up for your son . The best thing to do is to eat when he eats even if all you can eat is the same size portion as him. Your son will get you through children can be very resilient. You need to take baby steps. Plan little things for you and your son together. Whether it be something like going out to a park. Talk together about happy memories you shared with Andrew. Do you have friends or family who can give you some support at this time. If you do then reach out to them. Talk to them. It has only been days. Know that you will take many steps forward and backward. But you can do this for your son and for yourself… I watched a tv show where the mother of the main character died but she was explaining to another character that even on the darkest of days there is room for joy. Not utter happiness joy of course but that even when we are in a dark abyss that we have to look for the light and try to keep hope alive for the future.
Your son had a good male role model in his life that he idolised in his formative years and he will carry that influence with him particularly if you help him keep that alive with the memories you share. So despite the fact that Andrew wasn’t your sons biological father you will see his influence in your son as your son grows.
Counselling can help but it does depend on the counsellor. If I am honest the one i have been allocated by the doctor isn’t very good. Probably because they are not really a dedicated grief counsellor. They are basically ticking boxes and i get a phone call every two weeks. Just had my second one. The first one she was too overwhelmed more than me lol. The second just felt she was ticking the boxes. However you may find that you get a better counsellor from either Sue Ryder or Cruz. You are also might be able to get one through a support group for Andrews illness. I know some of the cancer charities do provide this help for relatives. If you live in Scotland and are feeling desperate for someone to talk to then try phoning Breathing 'Space. They aren’t counsellors but volunteers who listen and can point you in the direction of some help. I found them very helpful during my early stages better than a counsellor (or at least the one I have now) you need to find the right one for you. And if you can’t then they are really good because they are there when you need them. Also this site was really helpful for me in the beginning when I felt I had no where else to turn. And just a thought but have you been on Mumsnet. There are hundreds of mums there and I am sure that at least one or two has previously been through what you have and you may find someone on there who is like you but just a bit further forward in the process who may be able to offer you some support.

One other thing I know that right now you are completely overwhelmed with your grief but I wonder if you and Andrew where married. The reason I am asking is that if you need financial help just now ( I know it isn’t something you want to thing about but the loss of a partner also means a loss of income and you don’t need that worry on top of everything else right now) If you were you are entitled to claim a bereavement payment for spouses from the government. Also if you were married some jobs will payout an insurance policy to the spouse and also some pensions. I know that it is something that you would rather not think about just now but it may give you a little breathing space from extra worries so you can grieve and look after yourself and your son. Unfortunately you cant get the life you had back but you are now on a new path and a new journey and right now its unclear where that will go. So take baby steps. Its so very early for you.
Take care of yourself and your son. And keep coming on here, its a good place to talk.
Thinking of you

Hi Sharney,

I lost my husband Andrew in May 2020 at 39 due to sudden heart attack while he was fit and healthy. I am devastated and trying to recover for our precious 7 year old son. I could not eat much before now getting better but sleeoing is the main problem of mine. We had lots of dreams now i am lost as well, my life upside down. Will we get better no idea as sudden young deaths i think hits you so hard. I think any deaths hit you and recovery takes a long time

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Dear Sharmey
I do feel for you.
This forum will help you, you will be heard and understood
J send you love
Sadie x

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