Unable to get over the loss of my mum

Just over 6 years ago, I lost my mum to cancer when I was 13 years old. The pain has been around since I was 9, when I was made aware she had a terminal illness. As a child I was clueless as to what this meant, and I always imagined the doctors would cure her and life would go back to normal. I’ve seen a lot of things a child should not see. Especially of their own mother. I still have flashbacks of her, and wish I could only see her healthy and happy in my mind. Unfortunately, I was very depressed when she passed and never knew what was happening to me, and why I felt the way I did. I didn’t want to live a life without my mum by my side. As a result, I have very bad anxiety and death is my main fear. It stops me from living my best life as death is always on my mind. I have come a long way and I am far happier and settled than I was. But, I still have death stopping me from doing many things and I way too attached to my dad. I wouldn’t consider this a terrible thing but I need to live more independently. I found that my first year of uni made me homesick, and I went to see my dad every weekend. For second year I no longer want this. I want to accept this has happened and not live my life worrying about every single thing.

Jadethegood, I’m so sorry that you had to deal with the loss of your Mum at such a very young age. I can only imagine how hard that must have been.
i would like to recommend a remarkable book called “Self help for your nerves” by Claire Weekes." It teaches you skills to cope with anxiety. You might have already heard of the book? It was written it the 1960’s and is very old style, but its wisdom is timeless. It teaches you to ‘let time pass’ and ‘float through’ stressful moments.
I would also like to suggest you try not to pressurize yourself. It’s perfectly normal that you would become attached to your Dad, as the remaining parent. Additionally, there’s nothing wrong with going home to Dad at the weekend.
I would also like to suggest you see your GP regarding you bad anxiety, if you haven’t already. Plus, the Sue Ryder site does offer counselling too.

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Thank you so much. I am definitely going to buy this book to see if it helps! This has been very helpful