i’ve reached the stage, five months after she passed, where i’m actually realising shes gone. which sounds silly, and isnt exactly what i mean, i just dont know how to word it. but the grief is consuming me now. its intensity has gone up and down these past few months, periods of time where i can go about day to day life and the thought of her gone didnt actually impact me, i think moreso now though it was because i had been in such heavy denial i just physically wasnt able to feel the emotions surrounding her death because i hadnt even processed it had happened. but i think now i have. and i hate it. now when i think about her being gone i feel physically sick to my stomach. i just want to scream and scream and scream until shes back and infront of me. im feeling so many emotions all at once and yet simultaneously none at all. ive never been this depressed in my life i feel like im at rock bottom. im just so unbelievably numb that i cant even cry even though thats all i want to do. im angry because all i want is to talk to her and see her and have her back and i know thats impossible. its torture wanting something more than anything in the world and knowing you physically will never be able to get it.
i keep having dreams of her. last night it was that she came back and she’d never actually died. nobody questioned why she’d faked her death but nobody cared because she was back and that was all that mattered. i remember crying and hugging her and just talking to her, and then i woke up happy for the first time in a while, until the reality set in that it was a dream and she still is infact dead and the pit came back in my stomach.
sorry im honestly not sure what the point of this thread was, i just needed to vent and have someone hear it.
Hi, I know what you mean. It also hit for me a few months later and I was quite shocked as I thought I’d be feeling better by now. I just wanted to show my support and say you’re not alone 
I’m 20 months down the line and you are not alone. I think the first year you are in denial and shock. Unfortunately this means the 2 nd year isn’t any easier. All I can advise is to mix as much as possible with folk in same situation. Try to get some projects and tasks in house, garden or wherever that you feel you have achieved. I won’t say it gets easier to live with the enormity of it, I still cry most days but you learn to live with the grief. Take care
It is truly unbearable. I lost my beloved Roger in September 2024 and I feel my life stopped when his did. I try to keep busy to distract myself but I cry every day and I don’t want this life I haven’t chosen
I don’t have children and my family live away but I do have some good friends. But it’s not the same and it never will be.
I hope you can find comfort somewhere. There are lots of us on this site who understand exactly what you are experiencing.
Kate
Hi,
I am 5 months in,and i am afraid, i understand a lot of what you are saying. It just doesn’t seem to get any easier.
I have gone through a spell where i except Sue to walk through the door and smile at me.
Take care
Hi - I’m just a year in since my wife died after a 4 year battle with Cancer. I recognise all those feelings you describe. I remember for at least 6-7 months it felt like I was waiting for something to happen but I didn’t know what. I gradually realised that what I was waiting for was for Bev (my wife) to come back, to wake up and find it was all a bad dream. I also had a lot of dreams where Bev was back with me. I would say that six - seven months in for me was the most painful time - once I more fully realised that Bev was never coming back. Like I say - I’m a year on now and things for me have gradually got a little bit easier as I’m beginning to adjust. It still hits me at the most strange times - grief has a tendency to ambush us at any time it chooses. There is no ‘right’ way to deal with grief as everyone’s journey is different though there are shared elements - we just have to do it our own way. I still talk to Bev and tell her about my day, what the kids and grandkids are up to and I find this helps me. I’ve accepted that after 35 years of being married and 37 together it’s bound to leave a big hole. Thoughts with you.
I’m 5 months in since my darling husband died. I am feeling exactly like you. The reality of it all is all too real, I put his ashes in the family grave this week and seeing his name on the headstone was tough to bear. I too feel sick to my stomach most of the time. He had cancer and I never thought he would actually die. I keep seeing old couples holding hands and I thought that would be us one day. We were together over 30 years and I miss him every day. I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you. I’m listening though and in some way knowing we are not alone is a little comfort. Thinking of you x
Was with partner 16 years 24/7
I haven’t even had counselling yet