Unbearable pain and loneliness

I lost my husband suddenly on 17th October 2022 after 38 years together.
We had just moved into a bungalow with plans to update it and to landscape the garden. We had been looking for a property for 2 yrs . If only we had found something earlier we would have had time together to fulfil our dreams.
I miss him so much, the worst is the evenings and eating meals on my own.
My days so far have been occupied with dear friends but the loneliness when its dark is unbearable and the pain intense.
John was only 72 and we loved our holidays and I thought we would have much more time to go travelling and to celebrate together my 70th birthday next April.
I am dreading Christmas and although everyone is so kind and caring , the loss of someone you love is so hard to bear.
I know it is early days and time is a great healer, but most days I just dont want to carry on with this life. It is so unfair and cruel.


So sorry to hear about your partner, my partner died suddenly recently. He was in his thirties, and I have been struggling, I’ve only just found this website and saw your post.
We have to carry on because they live on through us, in our hearts and in our memories. I have had days when I felt I could not live without him but I know he would want me to live and be happy again.

I had a bucket list and after he died, I lost interest in my goals. I couldn’t face doing the things on my list without him. He had his own bucket list of all the things he wanted to do and it seemed so unfair that he didn’t get the chance to do them.
So, you see, we have to live on so that we can be a vessel to do these things. I’m going to start working through his bucket list for him and visit the places he wanted to go, learn about the things he liked and do the things he wanted to do. I’m working through my own bucket list too and realise that he will always be there with me- my love for him is eternal.
He wanted to teach our son football so I am learning about football so that I can teach him myself. My partner’s death is giving me experiences I would not have had (or even chosen!) had he lived.
If it had been the other way round, he may not have coped had I died instead. So although I wanted him here for the rest of my life, I find comfort in the fact that I was there for the rest of his life.
We don’t know what happens after death but I know that our souls recognised each other when we first met and will find each other again when the time is right.

When the pain is horrendous, I have to believe that its a resemblance of what a good person he was, how much he is missed and how much he was and still is loved.
We have to live on so that we can tell people about our partners, we can talk about our memories, we can share stories about them and then they live on in other peoples minds too.
By sharing about your partner, you have really helped me tonight. I came on this website to seek support as my grief was lying to me and I couldn’t see it. My pain was trying to convince me that everyone would be better off without me but I saw your post and replied instantly because I could relate to your story.
I don’t even know where these words are coming from but I was compelled to reply and in doing so, Ive stopped crying and and can see clearer now.
So thank you for reaching out, it opened the door for me to share my story too.
It will get easier.
We have to live on, we are strong enough to do this. Our partners passings have given us or shown us our strength. It will never be as bad as those first few days, they would want us to carry on.
I’m sorry if this is not much help to you, its my first post and first time reaching out to any support group so I have a lot to learn


Good to hear from you ToniF
It was my first post too and so glad I found the website.
I am so sad to hear your partner was so young and dealing with children who also are experiencing loss is even harder to cope with and for you to deal with your grief.
You are so brave and you seem so positive
you will get there, I am sure we both will,
We seem to find a strength to keep going but I know it is hard …
People tell me to take baby steps and deal with each minute, each hour and then each day as it comes. It helps.
Look after yourself xx


thanks ToniF-----I am in total grief and darkness since the loss of my beloved wife Sue----i was prepared for the emotional pain ,but not the physical pain I am feeling now -----thanks for your inspirational post -----take care Mike

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So sorry for your sad loss ,I lost my lovely wife 3 years ago we where married for 40 years and like you I dread each Christmas and the dark nights my wife was 65 years old when I lost her to cancer,we enjoyed our holidays together loneliness can be so hard,my way of trying to deal with it is keeping busy.I just take each day as it comes.

I don’t have many friends now but thankfully I have my daughter and son in law to visit I also go to the gym each day which helps.

Take care X

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I’m so sorry to hear your story. Life sucks , I agree with everything you have said. I think we all live our lives with “ if only”
I’m going through exactly the same having lost Kevin in August this year.
I hope you manage to find some comfort and peace soon.
At our age it is hard to adjust having lost our long time partners.
Sending hugs

Thank you so much for your kind words
They mean a lot to me and knowing someone is there who understands.
Life is so unfair and cruel and I hope we are all strong to get through and make some sort of life. I try to keep positive Hugs are good xx

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