uncontrollable despair

At the end of March I sat and watched my beautiful die with lung cancer, 3 weeks later my step father collapsed and died in ,my arms and now only 1 month later my much loved cousin took his own life at 47, I cannot sleep, every time I close my eyes I see my brother struggling to breathe, i can no longer picture his face, This vision comes to me out of the blue at any time of day and now i see my step dads terrified face when he realised he was dying, I cry all the time and feel like Im watching myself functioning in the normal world. I go to work and cant remember being there. My husband is very caring but I cant describe the absolute depair I feel. People say I should be starting to deal with this but I actually feel worse. Has anyone else felt like this?

Hi Shazz,

So sorry to read all the pain you have had in the past few months.

Did your brother die with lung cancer? Your message seems to have ommitted who died with lung cancer? Yes, if someone dies a painful death, it can really affect us, it is normal. It can also be difficult to remember them in their good times because we keep thinking about their death. This can be distressing.

Have you considered counselling? You have suffered so many traumas in the past few months that if you haven’t considered it, then it might help you. Cruse and Sue Ryder are two organisations that provide counselling for bereavement. And of course, posting here will help you too, as you will find people who, like you, are in terrible grief, who were not ok after a few months, so you have definitely come to the correct place.

Thank you Abdulla yes my brother died of lung cancer. I feel so guilty because he was in so much distress as he couldn’t breathe i agreed for the hospital to put him on the end of life pathway and he fought so hard not to leave us. it was horrific and yes your right I probably should seek counselling as my life feels totally out of control. Thank you for your kind words

It’s awful when someone dies a painful death, that happened to my dad too, and it makes me so upset, so you have my sympathy that your brother also had a painful end to his life.

You should not feel guilty, you tried to do what you could, unfortunately it wasn’t enough but that wasn’t your fault. Counselling is something you will probably benefit from as you are in a lot of mental anguish, it won’t be a magic bullet after which you’ll become totally fine but it should hopefully help you regain control of your life.

It is never ‘too early’ to seek help if you are experiencing such distress, please do think about Counselling. I too had to deal with trauma, it helped me.

Thank you for your kind words