My mum was battling ovarian cancer for 4.5 years, she had the upper hand but needed occasional chemo to keep the illness at bay. We visited her oncologist in December, after stable 18 months she needed the top-up, there was a tiny growth. My mum was worried if the chemo will work, the doctor was positive, mum always reacted well to the treatment, and if not, other options are available, she said. Mum was strong, ready for the fight.
Mum had the treatment on Monday, contracted bacteria, died of sepsis on Saturday. I never had the chance to fly back home and say goodbye. It has been 5 weeks and I still cannot accept it. I understand what happened but cannot get over it. She would be half way through the treatment now and I was supposed to be flying over to see her this weekend. Instead I write about her sudden passing.
I cannot describe how angry I feel. I dont know how she got the bacteria. Was it at the hospital, was she not careful, was she just so unlucky? A treatment which was to help her, killed her. If she had it another week, she would be here. If she had different treatment, she would be here. My head cannot get it.
I am angry at my dad, I believe she would be alive if they went to hospital sooner. My mum hated hospitals, always waited until last minute. He should have known better. Or is it possible her body just didnt feel the sepsis coming? Or they wouldnt be able to help her even if they arrived in time as her body was weaker after the initial de-bulking surgery, when they needed to take her spleen? I will never get the answers.
So angry with people telling me my mum is resting now without any pain. My mum was not in pain, in November we were in Paris together, she had more energy than any person I know. She was happy, she had such a lovely smile that I will never see again.
So angry with people telling me - oh its better she passed aways so fast, what if the chemo didnt work. So everyone is a doctor now? Her actual doctors were positive and other treatments would be deployed.
My mum just turned 66, 3 days before chemo. I know that there are people who passed away younger, but majority dont, thats why the average life expectancy in Europe is 80.2 years. I knew that she would never live that long due to the illness, but I feel years were stolen away from her. Might it be one, two, three, four… I would be grateful for anything. Just one more time to hold her and tell her how much I love her.
My husband is trying to be supportive, but his parents are younger and alive. All my friends have both parents. And people who tell me that they also lost their parents lost them when they were in the late 70s, early 80s. I know the loss of a parent hurts the same, regardless of age, but my sweet mum deserved more years and enjoyed the company of family and friends who love her so much.
How am I supposed to accept it? Lose her so suddenly, without warning, so young?