Good evening everyone.
My first post here, although I’ve been lurking for the past week or so.
I’ve lost my husband to cancer on 15th of September. The funeral is in 11 days, on 13th October.
I’m going through all sorts of motions at the moment, from being too busy to think about missing him, to simply crying my eyes out in the most random moments.
The thing that I struggle with at the moment is, as I’m going through all his photos from his entire life (mainly to pick best ones for his funeral), is… jealousy?
He’s been married once in the past (his wife died of cancer too), and had one fairly short relationship before we met. He never made me doubt his love for me, and was always caring and faithful, but somehow looking at all these memories of him and other women makes me feel… robbed? Of what we could’ve done together if he was still there? Of all the happy times we still could’ve had?
His illness developed quite rapidly, this time last year he was absolutely fine.
I feel silly for feeling jealous, but I’m really struggling to go through these photographs!
Has anyone been in a similar position? I feel like I’m going a little bit crazy.
I found a bag of my husbands letters from a past fiancé and other females in his past. Cant believe they had moved with us 26 years ago however having a bonfire and sticking them on there was so good suggest you do the same
You know guys we all had a past, lost virginitys, first loves. first born etc, etc we all carry alot of baggage around with us, mentally and materially, I wouldn’t read to much into it, it’s what makes us better people, we are all learning all the time
Oh @Seren1.
I mean it kindly when I say that I think grief sends us all a bit insane - particularly in the early days - and your bereavement is so recent in the scheme of things.
It’s strange the things we focus on and not easy to keep things in perspective amidst everything we have to deal with.
Your world has just been upended so it’s not surprising you feel robbed.
Bereavement steals your future to some extent and the time you had with him wasn’t enough (it never is no matter how long you’ve been together) so it’s quite logical that you would feel “jealous” of others who got to spend their time with him.
Thank you, I know I’m getting fixated on something so silly. In the grand scheme of things I just wish we had so much more time together, we had so many plans, and it’s all suddenly disappeared.
Also, I’ve been very lucky in a way until now, to never have to deal with death of anyone so close to me, so it all feels like some strange alternative reality at times.
Hi @Seren1
I totally understand that this is a struggle and your emotions are normal behaviour for anyone who has loved and lost.
I remember when my husband passed away last year (7th October ) I actually got a message on Facebook from his ex - we had been together for 35 years so I couldn’t understand it and she said she just happened to come across my post Complete rubbish one of my FB friends had told her and she had contacted me! I suddenly felt very insecure and very jealous - people I spoke to said oh how lovely of her I didn’t feel it was lovely or appropriate at that time. If she had contacted me down the line a few months maybe? My point is he chose you as Steve chose me. We have to be thankful for the time we had together, although I’m so jealous looking at people like my parents who have been together for forever!
Sorry that I waffled and hope it kind of makes sense / helps. As others have said burn what you don’t want - I’m sure that will be very cathartic!!
Sending you so many hugs and much love. I will be thinking of you on 13th October xxx
I lost my husband to cancer in December last year.
It even hurts to say it was LAST year.
I’d known him briefly when I was in my teens and
It was a second marriage for both of us. We used to say that it took our marriages to other people to make us into the people we are now.
We were together for 32 years and married for 25.
Expect all kinds of emotions, grief has a way of throwing things at you.
Take care x
Hi Seren
I know exactly how you feel. When I cleared out the loft I found an old locked suitcase and inside was so much from my husbands past (we had both been married before). I took most of it to an incinerator and burnt the lot and when I came across a photo of him kissing a women, when he was much younger I would add, I swore at them like a fishwife as I threw it into the fire. It made me feel better. Three years on I can laugh about it now.
xx
Complete rubbish one of my FB friends had told her and she had contacted me! I suddenly felt very insecure and very jealous - people I spoke to said oh how lovely of her 
I didn’t feel it was lovely or appropriate at that time. If she had contacted me down the line a few months maybe? My point is he chose you as Steve chose me. We have to be thankful for the time we had together, although I’m so jealous looking at people like my parents who have been together for forever!