Unprepared for emotions

Hello everyone. I’m just back from a family wedding in France. It was a fabulous time at a fabulous venue, perfect for the happy couple. It’s just over 14 months since I lost my darling husband very suddenly to a heart attack. I’m still reeling from the shock and I still cry although the crying has got less. But the emotions I felt at the wedding were totally overwhelming and I really wasn’t prepared for them. During the ceremony and at the wedding breakfast I had to turn away or distract myself as I didn’t want anyone to see my tears. The very worst time was during the happy couple’s first dance that evening. Half way through the song nearly every other couple got up to dance but I hadn’t got my man to dance with. I just watched with silent tears streaming down my face. Oh how I ached for David. I sat for a while longer until I could take no more. I discreetly left and went back to my room and made myself a comforting hot drink. This was another first I suppose, of which there are to be many, but I don’t think I will ever get used to life without my wonderful husband. I want him so bad. I just needed to share this with someone who might understand. Thanks for listening and being there. Xx

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Hi Crazy Kate

I know exactly how you felt at the wedding. I think you were brave to go. I cannot attend occasions like that - too many memories and it’s so hard to keep up the act by smiling all the time and pretending. The pain inside is always there and the tears are never far away.

I refuse to go to anything now that will ‘upset’ me. I just do what I want to, when I want to. My niece got married a few months ago. Of course I was pleased for the happy couple who are just starting out on their lives but I knew if I went it would be too painful, sitting on my own with memories of our Wedding Day running around my head.

So yes, I do understand. We will never get used to being without our husbands.

Yvonne

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Thanks for your understanding Scorpio. I’ve also been invited to a BBQ this weekend but I’ve decided not to go. There will be all the usual couples there so I’m not going to put myself through it. I’ve asked a close friend to give my apologies and explain which she is happy to do. Love and hugs. Xx

I understand how you feel Crazy Kate - I have to go to my husband’s brother’s wedding in two weeks time and I am absolutely dreading it. This week, the bride-to-be texted me to ask whether I would give a reading at the ceremony and I had to refuse - how could I possibly stand up in front of everyone and give a reading about love and marriage without breaking down? To make it worse, it will be exactly one year to the day and to the exact time that I was called in to the hospital to see my husband’s consultant who was to tell me that my beloved man was dying and nothing more could be done. I don’t expect them to remember this date, but I certainly do. As for the first dance, like you, I will be making myself absent. Until you walk in our shoes, you have no idea of the pain.

Ann x

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Thank you for your understanding Ann. It’s so difficult, isn’t it? I almost feel selfish for not wanting to be around other couples and I know it’s not rational. But when I see them touching one another oh how my heart aches - the pain is physical. When I mentioned it to a friend later they said couldn’t I have danced with my son or found someone else to dance with instead of being on my own. But I didn’t want that, I wanted to dance with my man. How could they understand. People really have no idea, do they?
Do go to your wedding Ann and I hope you enjoy it as much as you can. I did have a lovely time, it wasn’t all bad. Much love.

Crazy Kate it is completely rational not to want to be around other couples. We have to do it sometimes but I feel so jealous and cheated of what should have been. I have one friend in a very new relationship and she understands how hard I find spending time with them in particular .Telling you to dance with your son or someone shows how, with the best will in the world it it completely impossible to understand the depth of pain, loneliness and longing we feel. It is a physical feeling. Thank goodness this forum exists .

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I agree Toria, thank goodness for this forum because we all understand the pain and longing. Our grief is unique and yet so many aspects of it are the same. Thanks everyone for being there. Big hugs for the weekend. Xx

I really feel for you . It is total crap

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