It will soon be five months since I lost my dad and I’m really struggling. The grief is debilitating and my dad is constantly on my mind. I have spoken to a councellor, at first on a weekly basis and now once a month and I get through each day the best I can.
Some days feel more manageable than others but there are periods like the last week where the grief feels unbearable. It is a constant pain, longing to speak to my dad and not knowing if it will ease. I know there is no quick fix but the unpredictability of not knowing how I will feel from one day to the next is exhausting.
As the months go on I feel more and more that people expect that I should be back to ‘normal’ but I still feel completely lost. The things that used to bring me joy now often feel meaningless.
My dad and I had the same GP and she was involved with his end of life care. I have debated booking an appointment but I dont feel that medication will fix this and I already have a councellor so I’m not sure that there is anything that she can suggest that may help.
I don’t feel like I have anyone who wants to hear about how difficult I still find this. The only people I feel able to relate to are people who have been through a similar loss, other people only seem to want to hear good news. My brother who is the person who would be most likely to understand had a different relationship with my dad and as the councellor said is far removed from the situation.
I feel very stuck and I don’t know where to turn. I thought that if I took care of the basics and put in the work with a councellor and being productive that i might have felt a bit stronger by now but I feel far from it.
Should I still be crying everyday like I am or is there something wrong with me? I’m concerned about my ability to cope with this long term.
Hi @Katherine86, you’ve probably ready many times there’s no set timeline for grief and that’s very true, but I think particularly after only 5 months you’re fully entitled to still be grieving and shouldn’t feel bad if you don’t feel stronger. This weekend I’ll be 14 months into my grief journey after losing my mum, and I felt after the one year mark I should be moving forward better than I was with my grief. I see now that I was putting myself under pressure thinking like that, and I’ve stopped putting expectations like that on myself. Take care, Mike
Thanks for your reply. I think that is what I am doing, putting too much pressure on myself and then feeling stressed when I’m not meeting my own expectations of how I think I should be coping. The lack of control and unpredictability of the grief is very daunting too, especially when coping mechanisms that normally help no longer have the same effect.
I am going to keep plodding on and know that others are doing the same, hopefully I can learn to take it day by day.
It is only 20 weeks since you lost your beloved dad. He was obviously a very special person in your life.
You owe NO explanation to anyone.
I’ve learnt that those pushing you to ‘get over it time to move on’ i was told this 12 weeks after the man i loved for 15 years - Then it dawned on me until someone important in their own lives dies they do not have a clue.
Dont be silenced- maybe each month write a memory poem of a special memory you both shared.
Be kind to you.
Remember your dad lives on through you, any siblings you have and grandchildren.
Thank you for your reply. My dad is so special to me.
I’m sorry that you have also been told to move on from the person you love. Grief is something that just isn’t talked about and as you say, until it happens people have no clue. It has sadly opened my eyes to the fact that there are many people walking around, feeling similar grief and I had no clue. Its changed my awareness big time.
I love the idea of the memory poem. I desperately want to talk about my dad and keep his memory alive and it’s upsetting that I don’t have the outlet to do talk about him with people.
I am just like my dad in personality and know he is still with me.
8 months in for me and I cry daily and just try and get from one week to the next. Hoping to find purpose in life again.
I think its important to try and be proud of yourself for getting from one day to the next. I should do that more often too. Keep going, and I suppose it just takes as long as it takes… Xx
Its really sad to hear how you’re struggling. I’m 2 months into the same nightmare, i hoped to feel better by now, it feels so long ago, every day drags on for so long. People talk about this ‘grief journey’ like its a thing that we get through, but how do we? Do we just get up, go to work, go back to bed and repeat this for ever? Do we ever get our lives back? We we ever feel happy again?
Two months is very recent and such a mix of emotions. It has been nearly six months since I lost Dad and the grief can still feel debilitating at times. I am keeping busy which does help but still get upset on a daily basis.
I have been on a more even keel in the last few weeks. I’m hoping that the stretches of the grief feeling a bit less intense will get longer.
I understand the questions you have. I’ve no idea what life will look like now and feel like it is just almost robotic in terms of getting through the day.
I dont think life will be the same or I know it won’t for me but I hope I adapt and carry my Dad with me and find a way to keep our bond and connection alive.
Thank you, yes, i suppose 2 months isnt long in the scheme of things but it feels like years.
I think my biggest problem is that not only do i miss my dad terribly, I miss by old self and my old life. I feel like i have been transported to a different planet where there is no fun or happiness anymore, i am now just watching/observing everyone else living their lives. I used to have such a full, busy and happy life, but I have no interest in doing anything i used to enjoy doing and now just see endless hours, days, weeks, months and years to get through. I know i should be grateful, i have lots to be grateful for, but i just dont feel it
I relate to your post a lot. That is exactly how it feels, like being a brand new person with a new life and one that I dont recognise.
Losing Dad has affected every aspect of my life. We were told Dad had metestatic cancer Sept 15th in GPs office and I went home, packed a bag and didn’t go back home until after we lost Dad. I had to go and collect more belongings shortly after losing him in the Nov and it felt like I was stepping into a past life. Frozen in time and it was like stepping back into September and my “old life” except my Dad was no longer here and nothing was the same.
I was able to go back to my house in January and I don’t feel the same level of distress that I did but it is grieving not only the person we love but who we were as a person, old life and the things we won’t get to do with them in the future.
My Dad always used to say that people need to reinvent themselves and I understand that more now. It won’t be the same life or version of myself but it can be a different one and a life that’s worthwhile and fulfilling or that is what I hope.
I still feel like I’m floating in outer space as my Dad was my anchor and a major part of me feeling grounded and happy.
It is daunting not knowing if the joy will return but I hope it will.
Im 7 1/2 months into the grief journey and your post resonates alot with me, at first people are kind and caring but after the first few months its like they think you should just be over it.
I had 8 weeks of counselling via my workplace and she was amazing really helped me try and understand my thoughts and feelings, i miss our sessions and am considering private talking therapy. Apart from the anger both at the hospital, my Dad and myself grief has triggered anxiety and brain fog which im finding hard to deal with.
Anyway enough about me i guess what i really want to say is grief has no timeline, yes tgey say it gets easier, we will all have good days and not so good days but we have to ride the wave of the process, this is an amazing community who really understands each other and is a safe space to vent our feelings.
We will get through this.
You are amazing. Cry when you need to laugh if you want to. They are watching us and will be proud of us carrying on.