I’ve seen this topic a few times on the boards, and wanted to add my perspective.
My wife and I met in December 1990. Married in 1999. Moved around the world.
UK - NZ - UK and many other places in between with work.
The 2 constants were our family, we made sure to check in with all the relevant parents sisters brothers etc. and visited regularly. This was rarely reciprocated with the usual excuses of too expensive and not the right time etc.
When my wife died earlier this month her closest brother (based in CZ republic with his wife) decided that it wasn’t worth coming to her cremation service because (as he put it so delicately) “There’s not much point in flying over to see a box go in a fire.”
My wifes own mother was already deceased, father too elderly to travel from NZ and the rest of the family in NZ (one brother was scheduled to come next month and still is) . Her Uncle, Aunt, Cousin and cousins husband (from UK) were her only family at the service, apart from me.
Of my own family only my sister came to the funeral . No one else was able to make the short trip from Ireland.
I should add that we had a lot of good friends and colleagues at the service and i did feel well supported on the day.
I’ve been pretty flabbergasted by the lack of respect from so many family members who knew that my wife adored them and would have travelled anywhere to see them (and we frequently did) . Especially my own parents, and one of my aunts. Don’t know what i am saying really other than “everything i have read about support networks in this time of crisis is true”.
Its always the people that you don’t expect to step up, that step up. Those that you think will help just vanish.
Staggering really. That’s all, just some thoughts. I struggled with it at first but i had this odd feeling of putting on another layer of armour whilst reflecting on it.
I feel that nothing more can hurt me now.
Maybe its just me.
I have had a similar experience in that those I thought would be supportive, were not.
My opinion of them has certainly changed. You all know, the paperwork and administration you have to deal with. I did not have any help from the people I thought would take the burden away from me.
The ones that have helped were busy people and people with challenging health issues. They found time.
The ones who were not busy and with better health, no help or support, no empathy.
If I told you some of the excuses for not helping or visiting, I was going to say you wouldn’t believe them but I think they probably would not surprise you.
I feel so abandoned by many people, both family and friends.
I suppose at least I now have a true picture of what they are like.
Me too,I had to sort everything out alone,his son from a previous marriage had fallen out with us 18 months earlier because we were unable to attend his sons wedding due to mobility issues,I have severe arthritis and Peter had too,the son told us he had finished with us and even sent birthday cards back we had sent to and his wife.Peter died very suddenly and they didn’t even contact me I didn’t even know if they would attend the funeral but they did.It was very hard getting the ceremony right in the circumstance how to have everything worded we didn’t have children so it was all down to me.I have never been as mad as when he rang my sister in law to say they were going to the funeral home to see Peter ,I was so glad I had asked for nobody to see him I didn’t want to and didn’t want anyone to either.I couldn’t even book anyway for the wake because I had no idea who would attend,so invited everyone back to my house my cousins,my nearest relatives were a great help and prepared a buffet.His son and family came eight of the in total ,I wanted to be as dignified as possible and it worked out very well because my house was full of our good friends and it was easy to avoid the son and wife .I have not seen them since apart from him coming to demand to see the will.That’s another nasty story.
Many of these posts resonate with me.
My partners sons were fine with me prior to their dad passing. Since he died 3 months ago, they have made minimal effort to say the least ! Very happy for me to be around when needed but so callous now.
I find their attitude beyond hurtful, cruel and disrespectful considering a wonderful relationship I shared with their dad for nearly five years.
It is honestly as if they can’t bare to think about the happiness we so obviously shared, and I can only think it is jealousy- yet he had a good relationship with his sons
Sorry but I have beaten myself up about this yet CANT change things but still can’t see why suddenly I am such a threat now their dad has gone.
No youre so right. I thought my family would be good but theyve been.pathetic ! Not good enough is it when you.know you done so much for them over the years you can chose your friends but not your your family and btw what a totally disrespectful thing of her brother to say !!! xx
I’ve just posted under Bad Weekend.
Honestly, the only family I can truly count on is my daughter, who is wise beyond her 21 years. I call her the Wise Owl. I’ve spent the last 3 days with my mother who has taken the mick and played me, after me driving a 280 mile round trip.
Why do I bother?
I can only cope with seeing family (or most friends) for a couple of hours at a time too.
Apart from anything else I just hate being away from the house where my husband is (in his box).
For many years and definitely in the last couple he was too poorly for us to travel the distance ( all live at least 100 miles away) to see any family. And I could never be more than 15/20 mins away(maximum) from home, incase he needed me. And wanted me home.
19 months on and I still feel the same now. I just can’t bear to be far from home… Just incase he still needs me. I need to be able to get home quick, and I get really scared inside when I’m too far from home. Worried that I couldn’t get back quickly if he needs me.
Can’t explain that to anyone else, especially family. They would think I’m bonkers. Maybe I am?
But it’s how I feel.
So I upset people (especially my parents) by not going as often as they would like me to.
Grief has made me selfish. And I was never that. I’d do anything and everything for everyone.
I don’t like that part (the selfish bit) of the new me.
Another part of grief that is so damn hard. And so hard to explain to others.
I’m 12 months on this journey and don’t like leaving the house,I also don’t want to spend more than a couple of hours with people if people visit me I begin to wish they were going soon .It’s a weird journey this I have always been a home bird but now I’m getting anxious if I’m in the supermarket long.
Thanks. It’s too far to drive for one night @Deb5.
I, too, just want to get home when I’m away, then when I’m home I want to be out again. Such unsettling times we’re all going through. I feel like I could be next with the heart attack.
you can chose your friends but not your your family and btw what a totally disrespectful thing of her brother to say !!! xx