Unthinking words

Will be eight months on Wednesday since I lost my beloved, fit and healthy, husband of 53 years and three-months, very, very suddenly to a brain hemorrhage. I have our dog who has rescued me and made me get out of the house. Together with her, my family and good supportive friends I know I should be moving through but I don’t feel like that very often. I miss David so very much, but in the supermarket on Saturday, a friend?? asked how I was and not waiting for an answer said, you will be over it by now. Over it. What is it? My soulmate, my grief, my unhappiness, what is it? Have cried since then. The pain in my heart is here to stay. It will never go away. Just had to write this down. How does anyone else cope with these stupid remarks?
We had known each other for 58 years, David was not a part of my life, he was my life. He always said I will love you till I fie, and he did. I thought I was strong, I was only strong because of him. Having a bad time right now.

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Hi hainey,
What is wrong with some people, they can be so insensitive and don’t realise how much pain they are causing. I lost my husband age 56,3 months ago and I’ve already had those sort of comments, even family members say I seem to be getting over it . We will never be over it, we just have to get on and do the best we can, and some day unfortunately they will know exactly what it feels like.
Keep strong.
Steph x

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Hi Hainey,
So deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. People are insensitive because they are caught in their own worlds.
My dad passed away at the same time period as your husband in a sudden similar manner and was probably around the same age. My parents had been married for 54 years. He was also fit and healthy - passed in his sleep out of nowhere, leaving us destroyed and baffled. Easy exit for him, impossible for us. My dad’s, we believe, was a cardiac arrest electrical malfunction.
We feel the same as you do. I know that is little comfort as the loss is so profound and deep, plus we are both dealing with the suddenness. My mom said she was picking out a greeting card last week, and nearly lost it in the store. Its waves of grief that constantly knock you about and eventually one topples us over, but we get back up. It can take 2 years to get to a place of more consistent peace in your mind. Right now, at 8 months, our minds are broken.
Try to find something that can take you away for even just a few hours.
Ell

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i think i would have snapped and said something how can you get over losing someone you love you never do, you learn to live with it. You knew your David for a long time you were one not two separate people. some people have no idea. im sorry to hear yo lost your love its hard i just lost mine and im going through the motions. its been a week and a day for me and i dont feel i cant talk now seems like everyone is just going on as normal. i dont think i have even started to grieve properly. you grieve as long as you need to if it takes forever then so be it there is no time limit. sending love

Hi Stephtim. Please accept a big hug . This life we never signed up for sucks and these comments are not helpful. We are just trying to do our best to get through hour by hour. Strength to you.

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Hi Elldubs. Thank you for your very kind reply even in the depths of your own grief. I sometimes think a hug without any words is comforting when maybe words are like a sword into your already broken heart. I can understand your poor mother’s reaction when choosing a card. I have found the normal things are sometimes the very things that set off a tsunami rolling over me. I was totally shattered when I was told, more or less, get on with life. Believe me I am trying day by day to live in this nightmare.
My love to you and your mother,I wish you peace and strength to face the unknown future. Xx

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Karie, sending you love as you face this horrible life without your soul mate. You sound like I did in the very early days when I was full of anger, short tempered and unable to know what I wanted from minute to minute. Slightly better now but not much really. I could have hit out at the stupid comment levelled at me at the weekend but was unable to process the stupidity of the statement. I know sometimes embarrassment makes people say things not appropriate , but if they have never known such a huge loss they don’t really understand the hurt they can cause.
I hope you are getting support from family and friends just now, try to be kind to yourself and try to put yourself first. If you want company fine, if you want to be on your own that’s fine too. Your days will go in and you won’t know where the time went. Take care, a big hug to you.

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hi hainey
very sorry for your loss.
to those insensitive friends making that remark about thinking you would be over it by now I think,they have either never been through this tragic kind of loss,or if they have, their partner was not their soulmate,or the one and only that person who completed us and made every second of every day full of love and happiness.and losing the person who brought that to us,well obviously life as lost is spark to say the least.glad it wasn’t me in the supermarket having a so called friend say that,i wouldn’t of responded to well at all.
hope you can keep finding ways to get through each and every day.
stay safe oh and sorry for droning on and maybe losing the plot.
regards
ian

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Hi Hainey,
that’s awful to think you’d be over it! It’s 5 months since I suddenly lost my husband at age 55. He was my life. It is a void without him, but I just keep going. The only reason I do is that there may be a chance of some happiness in the future before I kick the bucket. I’m only 47 so I feel I should at least try. I have family and friends which help, although not being able to see anyone in person doesn’t help. I know I’ll never quite be over it. I can see how grief might dissipate over time but it never goes. It can suddenly flare up too triggered by mundane things. I hope you know to ignore that person an allow yourself to feel how you feel. All the best x