Very Lonely

My name is Sue I lost my husband in January this year after being married for 42 years. I have no family other than one cousin. I have lovely friends but I am so very very lonely. I live in a flat and hate looking at four walls, I get panic attacks every night about 4am my body shakes and my pulse races. I get very scared knowing I have nobody to turn too. I miss my Mick so very much and would rather not be here.
I just exist from one day to the next and can’t see how things can get better. I sit in the park on my own when I can go home to an empty flat and cry.
I lost over 2 stone in weight over a few weeks and find it difficult to eat as just do not fancy anything. My body is weak, my head is all over the place. Everything I do or touch goes wrong. All the little things that go wrong seem like big things. its one thing after another. I use to be such a happy person and I am sure friends use to enjoy my company but now I am so sad and tearful all the time. I am so very very lonely one minute I am sort of ok next in floods of tears and so very very low sitting on my own. Does anyone out there feel like me??? please chat it might help.

Dear Sue
So sorry and sad for you…the early stages of grief are so intense and frightening but somehow we get through them…we can never enjoy life like we once did but we do still exist and that means different things to each of us…I can’t give you any answers but everyone here shares your pain. Keep posting and reading and know that love still exists…it’s just in a different form. Try to look after yourself…sending you love and hope xx

Thank you so much for replying to my message. So good of you. Just knowing people are out there helps! It’s the just feeling so alone and lonely, so once again thank you so much xxx

Morning Sue,
I lost my princess 16 months ago now. Like you the weeks and months after we’re just a void. I am not going to try and kid you it will be like before. It won’t. I found I had to force myself out and there were many days when I really felt I couldn’t be bothered, but forced myself. I was struck by the kindness of others (specially on this site). In time enjoyment comes back. Its not like before; it can’t be as that sharing is gone. There is the accompanying guilt too. It seems so wrong that everything is going to go on - I have written before, for me I tried to imagine how I would want Janet to be if she were here and I was the one who had died. Whilst not an answer in itself, it helped as surely we would want our loved ones to be happy and move forward in some way. I also went back to work some 5 weeks after. In many ways it was too soon, but to this day I think if I hadn’t forced myself maybe I would never have gone back. Colleagues too were so kind - many were ok talking about what happened and let me rabbit on and listened. Some of course were clearly uncomfortable and that’s fine too, they gave support in their own way. Others who have been berieved - we connect more, seem to get it. Church, for me, was also good though I have to be honest and say how I had lost all faith, all belief in anything I had ever Believed in the immediate weeks after.
Sue, I can only tell it as I see it. Things have got better. I have made the best friends ever who are all an inspiration. Of course there is still loneliness, but I am learning to accept that as part of my life now, and gradually learning to fill that particular void with hobby and activity some on my own, some with others. It is a different enjoyment. A different life. But again, if Janet were here and me gone, I would want her to continue her love of life and smile her beautiful smile. I can’t Imagine I will ever be as happy again as I was with Janet, but I do think I am on my way to finding something alongside my loss, which will give fulfilment in its own time.
I don’t know if any of this helps, but allow yourself the tears (I cried buckets (the poor vicar!) the stuff to go wrong. Talk to people. Keep posting. Do stuff when (&if) you feel you want to, not when people tell you you should. Be kind with yourself. Eventually you will move forward but in your own time and remembering how you would want your Mick to be. I hope some of this helps - its only my experience of course- and be sure there will be plenty of people thinking of you.
Take care… Richard.

Hi Sue, it’s 11 weeks for me since the death of my beautiful husband. It’s pretty rubbish. I say 11 weeks and when I write that I don’t know what I think. I think it’s like 11 minutes. Then again it’s 11 months. Sometimes 11 years. All of it makes no sense. The next time I think how long it is I don’t think he’s gone at all. I think he’s still here. Make sense of any of that if you can because I certainly can’t. Time doesn’t mean anything to me at all. Like everyone else here I live pretty much day by day. Some days better than other days. I go to work, I do jobs at home, in other words I get on with it best I know how but, get on with it is all I do as I don’t see I have much choice. I try to live for the both of us, I keep him with me in every thought and forever in my heart. I do what I believe he would want and expect of me. I don’t like it. I miss him beyond belief. My faith in seeing him again is the only thing I cling on to for dear life. I talk little about how I am, how I feel, how I cope, simply because I don’t know anyone who has experienced this grief. Consequently, those that haven’t, don’t understand. Hence my reluctance to speak about it. I’m ok with the world thinking I’m doing well, coping, dealing with it etc etc etc. Talking about it doesn’t help me as it doesn’t change a thing and we had such a very special relationship that I don’t want to continuously talk of the death. I learn from reading the posts of others on this site and I get support from knowing others are feeling the same most of the time, as sad as that is for all concerned. My response I’m sure won’t help you at all other than to let you know so many of us know your pain and daily struggles. Will it get easier…who knows…I certainly don’t. One thing I do know though is…it won’t get any worse. How can it. The worst happened 11 weeks ago for me or, was that 11 minutes, months or, years… Love to you x

Hello Sue There are so many of us that know exactly what you are going through. The panic, the existing, the fear, no future, a mole hill becoming a mountain and of course the endless crying that seems to come from nowhere. Not feeling worthy of company. You are doing right by going out as much as possible. Walk, take in everything around you, even the birds singing can help at times. When sat in the park, smile at people passing, someone will stop and have a chat. Get on a bus, go anywhere, it doesn’t matter. If it’s company you want then think about voluntary work. I have been offered this but don’t feel I want it at present as I keep myself busy, even if alone. (except for my wonderful dogs) You are on a hard journey, it’s not easy and things will never be the same for any of us. You will get support on this forum so keep in touch.

Thank you for those kind words.
I am trying hard to get over the early stages of loss but it is so difficult.
I wish I was still young enough to work as it would give me a reason to get up every day. I have lovely friends but no family. My Mick was so kind and caring I just feel I was not a good enough wife to him. Maybe one day I will see him again and show
him how much I care.