My beloved husband died on 30th December after a long battle with cancer. I was his carer and was with him when he died in hospital.
He was very clear on his wishes, he wanted a direct cremation with no fuss, no mourners…that’s being arranged but now I’m wondering if that was the right thing to do, he was a very private person and it was his last wish. My intention is to sit in the crematorium car park at the allotted time so at least I’m near him, we spent 24 hours a day together so I’m finding it so difficult not to have him around.
I’m trying to keep busy with arrangements, notifying people…I’m worried about financial issues as all benefits stopped when he died, at 58 I’m faced with going back to work after 12 years which scares the hell out of me, that sounds selfish but I’m fearful for the future.
His sister will not leave me alone, she and he had a difficult relationship but were back in touch before he died, now she’s texting me 5 times a day asking for all sorts of things to ‘remember him by’, yesterday she wanted a blow by blow account of his last 24 hours which I tried to reassure her he didn’t suffer…which he didn’t, he slept like a baby up to his last last breath…I had dropped off in the chair next to him but the nurses told be they’d been in 5 minutes earlier and he was still fast asleep…now his sister is telling me he could have been suffering while I slept…and that it’s OK for me because I have neighbours and family support and she has no-one, they didn’t speak for 3 years and now she’s guilt tripping me.
I’ve had 18 months to prepare for his death as we knew it was incurable but nothing prepared me for how he deteriorated, now I’m feeling I have no purpose and a bit lost.
Thanks for listening
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I lost my fiancé at the end of November. I was with him in hospital as well and was with him at the end, along with his ageing parents. Five weeks on and it’s still very hard.
Take no notice of his sister if you want to ignore her that’s ok. I have barely touched his things so take your time over parting with things.
My thoughts are with you.
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I am so sorry for your very recent loss. You will still be reeling from it, as, no matter if we are prepared for the death of our husband, it is still a tremendous shock.
My husband was the same, he didn’t want a funeral (in this case it was better for me as it was during bad Covid times and 30 mourners would have been hard to stick to). I was actually glad not to have to go through a funeral, he just wanted to be cremated without me being there which he was. The undertaker brought me his ashes which I have kept at home and seeing them is a great source of comfort for me. I understand you wanting to sit in the crematorium car park but just see how you feel at the time.
You will miss him more than words will ever say.
Have you applied for the “bereavement grant”? When I rang up to inform the DWP about my husband dying they applied for this for me. It isn’t much, but it will help you for a little while.
Please try not to worry about having to go to work just yet, it’s SUCH early days for you to even think straight at the minute. I know it’s hard, but try & give yourself some time. You will be fearful of the future…we all are…but try not to worry too much about it (easy for me to say I know, but I do understand)
As for your sister in law…well, she’s being unbelievably selfish and doesn’t seem to be taking your feelings into consideration at all. Try and ignore her for a while, tell her you are grieving (which you are) and hopefully she will leave you alone for a while…
You know your husband died peacefully, and you are respecting his wishes with the direct cremation. You looked after him right until the end and he will have known how well you looked after him and loved him.
You will feel lost with no direction for a while but please know that is entirely normal. Take a day at a time and you will start to see things more clearly and feel ever so slightly better.
At first we are bombarded with worries and different emotions and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
It’s a journey none of us want to be on, but we’re on it together and just reading what other people write on this site, or by just putting your feelings down will help you as time passes.
Please take care of yourself, and give yourself time to grieve and look after you.
Janey xx
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Thankyou, so sorry for your loss x
Thankyou, so sorry for your loss.
When I spoke to the DWP they did fill in the paperwork for the bereavement grant for me, I suppose I just feeling vulnerable because I’ve spent so long looking after him, I’m feeling at a loss.
I honestly don’t have the energy to deal with his sister, she did the same to their other brother’s widow who eventually told her to go away in now uncertain terms! My husband always said I’m too soft with people, I just don’t like hurting her feelings but I haven’t the mental or physical capacity to deal with her.
There are a couple of things belonging to their Mum that hubby asked me to pass on and I’ve ordered her a small keepsake urn for some of his ashes which she asked for so I’m hoping that will get her off my back once things settle down.
Thanks again for your kind reply, take care xx
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