Walking my way through grief.

Hi all,
I have been walking a lot and writing about my walks. I thread my feelings through my stories and publishing them on a walking forum. the response I have had in return has been staggering to the point I’m writing a book now. I am still grieving, crying and feeling lonely, but it is helping.

so I thought I might share some with you, it might help, as I feel stronger since I have been walking and writing, so here goes:

Undulating farmland, rivers, lanes, tracks and a lovely golf course.

So I was a little unsure what to do today. I had done the remainder of the housework but it was raining. Shall I chance it said to myself, let’s have a cuppa and see what the weather does. So as I sit in my little conservatory supping my tea the suns pokes it head out and I feel its warmth through the window. Well that’s sorted; on with the boots, thin out my rucksack grab a drink and something to eat and off we jolly well go.

No sooner had a stepped out the door its starts to rain again. Well I’m out now, so plod on. I had my charity hoody on and it wasn’t raining more a drizzle so off I went. I wasn’t sure where I was going but I took my Satmap navigator with me just in case. As I wombled off and fired up the Satmap and logged my start point, if I get lost I can at least plot a route home. I tramp across the field to join a farm track that will take to the golf course. The rain stops the sun comes out and all is good, so I reach in my pocket for an extra treat I squirreled away, a bag of Revels! Well if the so called “family bag” gets any smaller they will have to drop the “S” in revels and call it a bag of revel. What made me laugh with contempt is said on the reverse of the bag “share and enjoy with family and friends” well I looked at the bag and its contents and thought it would have to be a small family or just one friend given my first helping halved the contents. Share Ha! The only thing this bag is being shared with is my rucksack when empty.

Anyway by the time I’d scoffed all the Revels and hidden the evidence I had reached the Golf course. It was a pleasant view over the course with only a few golfers evident. I crossed between the greens and descended to Pope Mill, walked round the edge of the gardens and crossed the bridge over the Stour and proceeded along the avenue of poplar trees. After a few minutes I dropped down by the side of the elderly brick bridge and its supports turning left onto the railway track and walked towards Sturmer.

At the play park, at the end, I crossed the road and turned right up the bridal path to the rear of the old station. Walking round the field until I reached the infamous “five ways” finger board. I looked at it and in the direction of each pointer and could only see three directions. I suspect the two have been lost to overzealous planting by the farmer. It didn’t affect me as I was going to try another path. I looked at the high foliage, in particular the stinging nettles, and marvelled at the perfect selection of walking apparel. Shorts were definitely the wrong choice as both legs were now objecting to the stinging sensations and still are to be honest. There was an abundance of grass hoppers and bees, which is a good thing to see.

The path split at the corner of the field, left was the village of Keddington and straight ahead was the Stour valley path and a bridge that I had spied from afar on a previous roam. I went over the bridge that spans the river Stour, but paused to take in the silent serenity. The river was slow and at peace with its surroundings, no weirs or manmade structures to prevent its slumbering passage, flowing gently past as it has done for so many many years. Dragonflies performed a dance in mid-stream whilst the surrounding reeds swayed gently in the light breeze. I carried on in the direction of a farm then turned left up a hill that suddenly erupted in front of me. A place called Baythorne End was to my right in a mile or so, but my journey was upwards and over distant fields.

The farmer had obviously been bothered by lost walkers and had erected a number of warning and footpath signs. They stopped short of “trespassers will be shot and survivors will be shot again” type warnings but did give the impression that you were not welcome. I scuppered up the path at a pace that would out run any buck shot from the farmer’s shotgun and was stopped in my tracks by another sign saying conservation area, bugger off, or words to that effect. I consulted my navigator which showed the path the other side of a hedge. I backtracked and found an overgrown path that hadn’t been trod through in some time, and given I couldn’t go back or forward, the only way was to once again battle the stinging nettles in shorts. Once through I was confronted with another sign saying, well you know by now, it certainly wasn’t helpful as there wasn’t any other path but for a slight indentation in a freshly ploughed field. According to the navigator, it was straight across the field. I took out my binoculars at this point and surveyed a possible exit. I could see another finger board directly opposite me, so the only choice was to walk across the ploughed field. I stood there and readied myself for the dash across. It felt like I had just emerged from a secret tunnel and was about to try and out run the guards to a hole in a hedge were a clandestine meeting would take place with a member of the resistance. So clutching my false papers, well a breakfast bar, I made a dash half expecting the jolly farmer and his poised 12 bore to pick me off in no man’s land.

I made it safely across the field unscathed and passed through the hedge to be confronted with another field, this time the path was clear so I followed it to the road beyond.

Up until this point I had been walking away from my finish point, but the road signified a couple of miles of road walking which eventually would curve me round towards the start point. The road was a sleepy back road dotted with pretty but extensive properties. I was walking due west, the setting sun was telling me that, through the hamlets of Boyton. At one point a gentleman and his dogs walked towards me and greeted my with an enthusiastic “good evening”, I replied “good afternoon” being slightly puzzled by what he said, then glancing at my watch, I realised it was gone 6:30, so yes it was more evening than afternoon. The road steeply rose to a junction which pointed me towards Keddington. The jubilant noises from a family having fun, followed by the spathes from a swimming pool were heard from behind a brick wall. I thought how lovely to have your family around, and for the first time thought about my destiny, oh well, I have had my happiness, I thought for a while and then smiled at their enjoyment and plodded on towards my next way point.

I was standing at the top of a field and looked at the landscape outstretching before me. I must be grateful for having this, but it’s not in the hills or coast and even if I was, I wouldn’t be able to walk up them as I promised my wife I wouldn’t do that alone. One day I will do that with a companion of sorts, but not yet.

I walked down the hill to a cross road where a lovely lady emerged. I held back affording her the choice of crossing, she said “I’m going up there” and pointed in the direction is was going. I said “so am I”. I held back so that she could walk in comfort but instead she stopped and waited for me and chose to walk with me. We had a little chat about this and that and after about a mile she said that’s as far as she was going. I wished her well and thanked her for taking the time to accompany me, she about turned and I pushed on.

After a short while I came to the path on the left that lead me to a big playing field, but before I could get there I had to cross a sluice with a noisy boisterous river rushing under it was like a crowd of chanting football revellers. A far comparison from the peace of the other bridge, this reminded me about older age, the bustling sluiced river was the exuberance of youth whilst the meandering slow and steady paced river upstream was more akin to a more sedentary but purposed life.

The playing field is where the “Keddington meadow lark” is held, just down the road from the Barnardiston Arms pub. This pub stands as a trawler would, with its net on the only road that goes to the meadow, on days of village festivities, the net must pick a handsome haul of patrons en-route to the meadow.

Anyway, my route was to exit the meadow and turn left down a small road to a path opposite a pretty thatched cottage. On the roof of the cottage, the thatcher had modelled a squirrel out of reed and put on the end. Behind that was a cat waiting to pounce on the squirrel and behind that was a dog chasing the cat. Natures food chain encapsulated in reed for the purpose of raising a smile from all those that looked.

I walked up the path and spied a huddle of bees gathering late evening nectar before clocking off for the night. A bit like the boys stopping off at the local for a quick pint after a busy day at work. I crossed the road at the end of the path and crossed to another path that ascended between two fields to another path. After crossing a bridge and circumventing a few fields, that have been newly waymarked, I reached the track that I scoffed the Revels on at the start.

A journey of just over 8 miles over undulating farmland, rivers, road, tracks and a lovely golf course on a lazy warm weekend evening.

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Mikeh
I just want to thank you so much for this.
I was having a bit of an anxiety attack in the middle of the night. My husband passed away suddenly and now there is the stressful ‘build up’ to the funeral and reading about you meanderings just took me out of it for a short while and I was meandering with you and your packet of revels! I loved your descriptions of ature a smattered with touches of humour…
Anyway, it distracted me and calmed me down… Thank you

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I’m so sorry to hear your terrible news. I’m so sorry and my sincerest thoughts of comfort go to you. It’s been nearly a year since I lost my sweetheart. Still just as bad with 5 monsters m, guilt, betrayal, judgment, punishment and trust. However, I have been getting better. So just take little steps.

I will post some more stories which introduce those feelings in to the walk.

I have set up a charitable cause in my wife’s name and have a blog on dealing with bereavement, not wising it detract from this site, but you might want to read what we are doing and our stories. I will leave it up to you.

It’s ok to feel the way you do, I gave in to my feelings, I just couldn’t keep suppressing and fighting them, and walking and writing has helped me.

Just please take care and take things slowly, they will be painful, and hope won’t show its face, but just keep talking because we all understand and are here to hold your hand.

This is our walking site. www.micatravels.co.uk.

X

thank you so much Mikeh
I will certainly log on to that site when things are more settled…
and yes all those monsters are constantly prowling, but for a few minutes your lovely walk was able to quieten them…
thank you so much

I will post another tonight. Take it slowly, no rules just getting by is enough, trust me.

Thank you so much…
you are suddenly launched into a chaotic world.
Your walk helped to unravel it a little…

Chaos is the right word. Nothing makes sense, everything hurts, and all you want to do is wake up from this nightmare, disbelief clouds everything you feel and you are forced into doing things that you don’t want to do. Just take small steps. You feel alone but we are all in the same boat, just on different seats. Keep strong.

Hey @Mikeh, your post really is like a breath of fresh air. It is a much needed distraction. Since the loss of my husband, walking and the wide open space, filled with the beauty of wildlife and nature have come to mean so much more. Taking time to sit on a bench and just breathe, breathe… and take in the enormity of everything. These moments are so precious to me now. Thank you for taking me on your walk, albeit in my mind only; I very much enjoyed it. x

Bless you, we are surrounded by loss and I have realised that loss can take many forms. The loss of loved ones is high up the list but you can lose friendship, pets, relationship to name but a few. They all cause heartbreak and change your life for ever. My wife and walked a lot and loved this country and whilst that gave us pleasure it gives me great pain now. So I decided that I need to carry on with her in my heart and hopefully she can see through my eyes. Walking alone allows me to reflect and see things in a different way. I’m still grieving, still lonely, still cry and still not at peace with the life I’m forced into. But, writing about what I feel and see helps me understand things slightly better. I am basically doing the same things we enjoyed together but differently on my own. I am continuing our story as she would have wanted, my life is a combination of the past, now and the future and my journey is being recorded as a living memory for others in time to read. It helps me and from the posts I have done on other forums it is helping others. I’m not doing it for any other reason than helping myself get through these difficult times, but if my distractions help others get a bit of rest bite from the trauma of loss, then that’s a good thing. It makes me feel that I’m not alone when I know I have a story to write and share at the end of it. We are on this forum for an unfortunate reason and I hope in turn we can see the light from the well of despair that we are in.

My stories, are all true, and a vision created from what I see, what my heart feels and the many memories that are repeated again in a different way.

For example a pizza reminded me of my wife and how I feel. Bonkers, but I will post it and all will be explained.

Thank you for your kindness especially as we are all finding it hard to be kind to ourselves let alone to others. It is appreciated and felt from afar. X

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The same boat, just on different seats!
How absolutely true.
Thanks Mikeh

I will catch up with your last post when I can…
My husbands funeral is on Friday, and every day there seems to be so much to get through.

Thank you so much again for quietening my mind in the wee small hours with your walking stories.
Maybe one day you should write a book about walking through grief… it would help more people than you know…you certainly have a way with words.,

Kind Regards to you

Kathryn

Hi Kathryn,
I don’t have any words to say other than to say I know what you are going through.

Trying to sugar coat the situation with words like keep strong, give it time, small steps etc although said with sincerity, don’t stop the pain you feel in your heart, the torment and anxiety in your head and the utter loneliness you feel every moment of the day.

But it does get easier to live with, trust me on that. I still feel guilty about saying things like that, and as I don’t cry so much makes me feel I’m betraying her memory and I will always judge myself, but whilst they are there, I remember her kindness and love more.

Do I miss her? more and more, from the warmth of her leaning against me at night, the hand to hold, the memories I’m making on my own even her nagging me to tidy up my mess. The tenderness of her kiss, so many things, I will always miss all that and more.

Unfortunately I tend to punish myself with exercise in a sense of trying to prove my love to her, and trust is an issue as well.

So after a year, all those feelings are still there, but not so harshly felt, so it does get better. Friday will be a day that may or may not help. For my wife, we celebrated her life, difficult as that was with Covid restrictions, and as sad as it was, it did bring about a closure. I do have her next to me by the side of the bed, her side, so she is still with me but in a different form. I still celebrate her birthday abs recently celebrated our wedding Anniversary. I chose to keep her memory alive in everything I do, my stories reflect that, my actions are in her memory and I will always honour her.

Time has allowed me to embrace her in different ways and that keeps me going. I am a combination of then, now and the future, so as long as I bring her with me in all that I do, she’s will be with me.

I know that the above is about my journey, but what I’m trying to say is that, you will hopefully find a means to carry on with your husband with you, like I have, so I will finish with, time helps, it doesn’t heal, but it does allow you to find a way forward.

My wife is written in my stories, I walk and see things and describe what I see and feel as though she is with me but can’t see it for herself.

I hope Friday is kind to you, and my thoughts go with you.

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