Walking my way through grief.

Looking to the future
21

thanks Mikeh

Never apologise for late replies…
I think that time takes on a whole different meaning when you are in the world that we now live in.
I will certainly catch up on your recent threads.
It was my husbands funeral yesterday.
I was dreading it, but it turned out to be a day of celebration more than sadness, although I do know that the sadness will descend soon enough.
One thing I know is that amidst all the heartache, you have inspired me to start walking again, and to start writing some memoirs of my husband…(alot of his funny one liners)!

Thank you so much and take care too

Kathryn

22

Kathryn

I’m glad the funeral went as well as it could. The hard part comes now. Look after yourself

Cheryl x

23

Hi Kathryn
I was going to ask about yesterday, but thought I would let you take the lead, it’s always hard to ask about how the day went. My wife’s funeral was a celebration so went better than expected, but as I say, any words that imply it was good, lovely etc seem wrong as you are saying goodbye to your loved one. But I’m pleased that it went well for you and your family.

I belong to the Country walking magazine’s walk 1000 miles Facebook group abs signed up to walk 1000 miles this year. I completed it on our wedding anniversary. It’s a yearly thing and you get a medal at the end of it. The forum is a terrific place, lots of people have suffered loss and use walking to help them process grief. My posts about my walks have had over 2000 reads and 800+ replies of encouragement. The point I’m making is that they are a very supportive group and it give you encouragement to walk. Like this group holds your hand at time.

I find that both groups help, this one is more focussed on grief obviously but the other is more on walking but is a distraction and hopefully in time, you will be able to thread the memories of your husband into your walks and write about them as I do.

I think the more you write, talk, share and take your loved one with you, the more they help you carry on. It is hard to do things, don’t get me wrong, but I look at things and try and describe them as though she is with me but can’t see. Sort of like she is away so I’m writing a letter to her of sorts.

Analysts may say it’s a slippery slope as you are not accepting your loss, I don’t know, but it works for me. I have accepted that I have lost her, but what is wrong with believing that your loved one is with you when you think of them, or see a feather, or have a sudden shiver etc. There are no rules are there, it’s all about you at the end of the day isn’t it.

Our lives yo-yo to extremes at a moments notice and that’s right, just try and weather them as best you can with your friends and family and unfortunately at times on your own, you are not alone.

Please take care and hope the walking helps, just be careful and walk where you can be reached easily and preferably with someone.

Have a look the the Facebook walk 1000 miles pages.

I wish you peace along the path you travel.

Mike

24

Hi Mike

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a helpful and supportive post.
I will reply to it when things are more settled.
I just wanted to thank you

take care

Kind Regards

Kathryn

25

Hi Cheryl…
Thank you for your post.
I know…
I am at the start of a long, hard journey

Take care

26

No need to reply Kathryn, just know that you are not alone in the way you feel, it will be tough, it will hurt both physically and emotionally and you will have to learn to walk and live again, I don’t have the answers, but you will find your answers in time and until then, there are always people that want to help, both close to home and virtually over the airwaves.

Just take your time, we are not going anywhere.

Take care.

Mike

27

Hi Carol, you share the same name as my wife, and I met my Carol at 15 as well, how’s that for a coincidence.

We had a special almost beyond love experience and that’s why grief has and is being a tough thing to endure.

I walk, write, and share as much as I can, I just want to try and turn my negatives into positives whilst keeping my Carol alive within the world I know live.

If that helps others draw parallels and shows a way forward or at least says we feel the same, then that makes me feel happier and gives me purpose.

I will post more and have a lot of stuff on our charity web if you are interested. I’m not pushing it, just giving you a choice if you want to read them.

www.micatravels.co.uk

take good care Carol

Mike

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Thanks again Mike…
Everything is so raw and I am still in shock because I thought that my husband would slowly get better.
I have alot of issues to unravel and process.
Thank you for caring and taking the time to answer
Kind Regards
Kathryn

29

Hi, just been on your walk with you, like you I walk for miles, it’s my release, I live in the Highlands so lots of wide open space to lose myself in or just sit on a rock and have a good cry.
It’s 18 months since my darling husband of 38 years passed away very suddenly, no warning nothing, he was fit and full of life… Massive embolism… Just gone in a split second… Doubt I will ever get my brain around how that’s even possible.
My husband was like you, he always picked cards with meaning and always added a particular little thing to mine.
Any cards I write I still put both our names as always.
I find I’ve become an expert in avoidance. I avoid places we went, social occasions, especially couples etc etc
It’s a bit like walking through a mine field inch by inch one day at a time,its the only way I can survive, any mention of the future I can’t bare.
I hope your walks bring you some release
Take care
Christine x

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30

Hi Christine, firstly, sorry that you have lost your husband and having to walk this path with us.

You live in a very beautiful place ( apart from the gnats ) my wife and I and the younger family have spent many a lovely time in the highlands.

Walking is a powerful thing, but lonely and painful as your companion isn’t by your side. I still walk but try and embrace her within my heart and let her see through my eyes. I write about my walks for several reasons. I want to keep her memory alive, she loved walking and enjoying the wonders of nature’s garden, do I thread her in and out of my stories if not directly, by the way I feel when I think of her whilst I walk. Writing immortalises our feelings and experiences digitally and provides a legacy for the family of the future to read. I also write to provide a little distraction for both me and the reader. I hope it shows that in time grief can be harnessed and focussed so you can live with it and not let It fight you so much.

I cycle and recently bought a new bike. I have ridden to three times and on each time I have picked up a single white feather on a spoke on the back wheel. If that is not a sign of her being with me, then I don’t know what is. I have taped them under a cover on my bike. A sort of talisman.

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I still buy cards for my wife. I write a letter and add some pictures in the envelope and seal it. Again they will be opened at some point when I am no longer here.

I do my best to bring her into my world in the belief that doing so keeps her alive in me.

Who knows, but since I have been thinking this way, life has become a little easier to bear. Yes I am lonely and miss her every moment, but opening up to my feelings has allowed warmth and fondness back in.

Take good care Christine

31

Hi Mike
Thank you for replying. You have given me a little encouragement that it may be possible to find a way to live around this huge hole in our hearts… Finding it hard to imagine but maybe one day.
Yes the Highlands are beautiful and we have had a lovely summer so lovely long walks.
My husband and I love the outdoors our passions being walking and scuba diving
Living abroad for many years allowed us to do both daily.
Wed just returned to Scotland to start a new adventure and chapter in our lives… But not to be.
I’ve learnt that there is a different between being lonely and feeling alone. I feel more alone when I’m with other people not having him by my side, my hand in his.
We worked together and played together, we were sociable but we were also happy just to be together.
I think it’s lovely that you still buy your dear wife cards.
Also the feathers on your bike is a lovely thought.
I ware my husbands jackets when I walk, makes me feel him all around me, they are huge on me but no matter, reminds me of how stronge and protective he was
Over the summer it’s been too warm so I’ve had his jumper round my waist.
Yes we all in this group walk a rocky path.
I hope your walks and writing continues to bring you comfort Mike
Take care and a hug
Christine x

32

Reading all these stories and I realise I am not alone with the loneliness. After 51 years of marriage it’s unbearable at times but reading your replies I know we are all suffering.We need to keep
Together and reassure each other that things can get better
Thinking of you all

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Hi, we are all in the same boat, some have just been hauled out the sea, cold, lost and in a strange place others, look after the people on the journey and some are strong enough to steer us to calmer waters. But we are all in the boat, and safer together. Welcome aboard.

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You gave us great way to explain the grief.
As you say we are in the same boat.There are ups and downs, rough and smooth and we will help each other on this journey.Keep talking

35

Hi Cgregory, like you I had a long relationship. 49 years married 51 years together. It’s very hard adapting to a new way of life on your own. Not having that other half of you to plan things with and run things by. Then you get to the practical jobs that you’ve never had to do and now need to cope with. All the time feeling lonely even when you are with people. My husband would always help anyone and I keep thinking of that when I’m trying to figure out how to solve a problem that’s arisen house wise. Guess it comes down to feeling a bit sorry for myself. On the outside it probably looks like I’m coping well 7 months on but things will never be the same. Carol.

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Hi,I agree we are not just copying with our grief and when we have been like you so long with our partner with have to cope with the paper work the looking after the home the garden and every other practical thing.I could scream sometimes, keep talking and we can moan together

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Hi Katiemarylucy, sorry for the late reply, I missed the reply.

Thank you for your kind words. I write from the heart and try and describe what I see so that others can see through my eyes. I use walking as a means of coping and writing about it records my feelings on the day. I hope others can get a little lost in the walk and get a little distraction from life’s traumas.

Take care

Mike.

38

Hello Mikeh
Once again I felt as though I was with you every step of the way in your walk… even in Greggs when you bought your very poignant and symbolic Pizza…
And oh how I related to your frustration when you discover someone else sitting on your favourite bench…
Your nickname for him made me smile., but I could also sense a melancholiness (is that a proper word)?.. in your walk…
My husband passed away very recently and I bought a card for our niece who has just become engaged and included his name and then wrote ‘in spirit’…
I dont know what she will make of that.
I realise it is easier to write that so soon after my husbands passing…However it may be questioned in the future if I am writing it in years to come…
Still… I just couldn’t bear not writing his name next to mine so soon, after 41 years of always writing it…
Thank you again for your very thought provoking walk…
Your reference to Puffing Billy reminded me of something my husband once said about people who use those vaporizers…
He said it was a bit like walking behind Thomas the Tank engine!
Thank you for bringing back that funny memory…
I also want to eat a Pizza now and it’s only 8am!
Take care

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Thank you Katiemarylucy

I just write what I see, listen to my heart and entwine my wife within the story. I learnt that you don’t need eyes to see, your need vision. I try to visualise what I feel and explain the feelings through words. It’s almost as though I am reading to someone that can’t see. I try to conjure up the picture so they can see through my eyes.

Sometimes we just need to feel the “now” as we are all swinging between the past and future and suffering the pain of grief and loneliness. Hopefully they will soften time and we will be able to mourn and and just be alone.

If my stories, which are true, help us live in the “now” for a little while, then they are worthwhile. That’s all I want, to record what loss feels like, allow hope to enter my heart and and just cope a little better. If it helps others in some small tiny way then that makes me feel better, it strengthens the feeling that we are not alone.

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband, and sincerely understand what you and your family are feeling.

Please take care this is a a very painful path we walk, but there are offered hands in front and people behind to catch if you fall.

Mike

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40

Many thanks indeed Mikeh

you are so right when you say that we are swinging between the past and the future.
I did practice some Mindfulness the other night when I couldn’t sleep and just thought about ‘the moment’, and it seemed to help.
Your stories definately allow people to live in the ‘now’ and they give respite.

I did venture out on a little walk yesterday and was uplifted by a huge V sign of Geese flying over my head…and was reminded about how swiftly the seasons run into each other.
Then I spotted someone I knew walking her dog, and I panicked because I didn’t want to go through everything with her, so I darted down another road.

Such is the way I am feeling!

Many thanks again for your walking stories.

Kind Regards

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