Walking my way through grief.

Looking to the future
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Hi Katiemarylucy1

I go through avoidance issues, but less nowadays. It might be because I am a year into my grieving. There has been times that I have literally shut myself indoors and only gone out after dark. There are no right or wrong methods. Just work with the strength you have on the day, hour even.

I write a lot, it helps me see myself from a third persons viewpoint. I am currently writing my thoughts on specify subjects for example I have just written about Judgement. I’m going to cover guilt, betrayal, punishment, and trust as well as avoidance over the coming weeks. But have another story to finish off first.

If you want to read more, I have a web that has more stories on and blogs to do with grief as well. It’s up to you when ever you want.

It’s www.micatravels.co.uk

Thanks for your kind words and replies.

Mike

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Many thanks indeed Mike

I write too…
I keep a diary.
I remember how quickly the 1990s passed so I began to keep one in 2000 and have done so ever since.
Dont know why, but I always have recorded thoughts, observations, funny episodes etc.

I relate to you sometimes only going out after dark
My front garden is full of weeds, because I know if I try and do some tidying up I will be waylaid by neighbours…some genuine…some just genuinely nosy!

I have made a note of your website and will certainly look it up…

Kindest Regards

Kathryn

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Dear Mikeh.
That was beautiful, sad but uplifting at the same time. I walked every inch with you. Today is a bad day for me. My daughter lives with me but is away for a few days, so I’m in her bedroom which is a mess to say the least she has hundreds of books and I’m cleaning away the dust and have had the woodwork re painted…my late husband and I would have done that and we would have cleaned the room together…he spoilt her and they were so close…sometimes I felt left out. I’ve changed her bed with the ghost of my husband close by…I know that sounds silly…it’s how I feel. I have music playing…I’m listening to Emmy-lou Harris and Mark Knopfler… Lovely touching song called love and Happiness.

I walked with my husband along many railway paths he loved steam trains and our life together featured trains and railways, he worked for Network Rail for 43 years and crumbled when he retired. I watched him shrink into a wreck of mental torture and depression he never went near a train again and his camera lays gathering dust…he was like this for five years I couldn’t reach him, he was in another world although he told me every day he loved me, it broke my heart to see this capable man who was brilliant at his job end up like this. He neglected himself and got sepsis which poisened his fragile body…I think he wouldn’t have got this if it wasn’t for covid.

I too have had white feather moments, I keep them in a box on my dressing table.

It’s six weeks to the anniversary of his passing and have yet to collect his ashes. I am going to travel with them to one of his favourite railways and scatter them on the Yorkshire Moors near the station he loved by a lovely stream. I will take him for one last journey on his beloved steam trains.

I too have trudged many miles along the canal tow path this last year. I remember playing pooh sticks as a child…and with my daughter.

My daughter has found love with another girl…when she came out I felt grief, sadness and loss of never being a granny. Now I have hope… Her partner I feel is like another daughter I could never have…having had fertility problems and a miscarriage when I was forty. Last Christmas was awful and I didn’t send cards. My daughter’s partners parents don’t do Christmas so she will come to us, I am going to push the boat out and fill the house with sparkly lights I want her to feel welcome in our home and loved.

My heart goes out to you Mikeh and I wish I could give you a warm hug I know I need one.

have rambled on and I thank you if you have managed to make it to the end of my ramblings
Meg

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Oh Dear Meg, your story has touched me. I know everything you are going through as all of us on here do. I wish I could just fix things and take all this pain away. Everything you are doing I have done, my house is full of my wife’s things even her clothes. I brought my wife home, we always said we wanted to be scattered together so she sits by her side of the bed with the things that were of comfort. I don’t sleep well. The thought of an empty bed with her to cuddle keeps me out of there until i literally fall asleep, which tends to be around 2-4 in the morning. When I go to bed I cuddle a pillow otherwise I would at ho to sleep. I have had to learn to run a house, cook, clean. Remember birthdays, shop, everything you girls do in your stride. Christmas was tough last year. The family travelled to Manchester for the day to be with my other son and drove back, so that was bad enough doing that without her and only spend a day together. Nothing wrong with have two daughters of sorts. I have two sons, boys are a strong line in my family. The fact she came out makes sense. An overload of emotion so the barriers can’t cope. That took courage but I’m glad you have welcomed your daughters partner. I have a few family friends both male and female that are gay, nothing wrong with that at all. They are very good friends of the family and why shouldn’t they be. I don’t know what all the fuss is about, old ways I suppose.

I was a bit of a humbug when it came to Christmas but secretly enjoyed it that’s why it’s hard and when you are on your own. Last year I wasn’t going to bother, but I did put a tree up, something we both did together, so it was hard doing it on my own. I think of what my wife would have wanted so I will put it up and make the house feel Christmasy this year.

We walked everywhere together and it’s hard doing it on your own. But I do look and feel more things when I walk and bring her with me just by thinking about what we would be doing. So when I write about it, she is entwined within the story and for me, keeps her alive.

My wife had a very rare cancer that gave no symptoms until she collapsed with a cardiac arrest. Luckily I was there snd kept her alive enough so the ambulance could get too her. Doctors were flown in by air ambulance. And they managed to get stable enough to take to hospital. She had three cardiac arrests in front of me. Anyway it was all down to the cancer which was incurable and untreatable. She was given 3 months but lasted 6 and Sepsis was the final straw. So I’m with you on that.

I’m not sure what’s worse. Losing someone in mind over a long period or sudden loss. At the end of the day you still end up heartbroken. The feelings of being alone and lonely are very strong and you want to do anything thing to take that pain and worry away. I mis the hand holds, cuddles and the tenderness that you gave and received to each other. I had known my wife for nearly 50 years and was married 38. In fact my anniversary was on the 18th and she passed on the 28th. Just last week.

I have a story about that, so look out for it, but I would avoid it as your loss is so new.

Mark Knopfler was a shared love of ours, as well.

My wife used to craft and she worked with me in my business. Do I have a room full of her hobby stuff and my workshops are in my garden, so
I miss her when I working in there.

I’m going to do stuff with her things and keep her passion alive. Probably give them out as gifts at Christmas.

It is a hard life and I need a cuddle, I miss them so much. But the best I will get is one from family when we say hello or goodbye. Long gone are the lazy afternoons when she would just lean against me on the settee while I played with her hair or rubbed her feet while listening to music. The simple things meant so much.

Anyway Meg, just remember this is a journey we have to make, it is painful both to heart and mind, the future is scary, the past hurts so just concentrate on the now and enjoy your family and daughter in law hopefully. I don’t have grandchildren, and I loved being a dad but it will be bittersweet as and when I do have grandchildren, but I will love them as Nan and grandad.

So Dear Meg, please just take things slowly, remember the pain is the love you are missing, but you will find yours husbands love in many ways and feathers are just the start.

Stay in this forum, you are not alone and I am sending you a heartfelt hug back.

My sincere sympathy and understanding

Mike x

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Dear Mike
Thanks for the uplifting message, grief for me has been different. I lost my husband a few years ago I feel, when he hit the bottle. It was a dreadful time for us I used to get angry with him and then felt guilty for being angry. He became a whole different person he wasn’t the person I fell in love with 43 years ago. Looking back I think he was just holding it together for a very long time. I come from a very large extended family and years ago there were old fashioned family parties which he joined in with gusto…in fact I had this mentioned in his eulogy…neither of us had any rhythm my parents tried to teach us to dance but our feet became tangled and we ended up in fits of giggles…he and I did a comedy gay Gordon’s… such fond and sad memories many of my family now gone. I wonder how he felt having very little family of his own, he lost his only brother Christopher was only 16… unknown to me Christopher had been struggling with breathing for months this was before we were married my husband didn’t tell me, he would come to see me every night and I had no knowledge of this worry. Then one night he came to see me we weren’t on the telephone we were going to spend the evening with my sister and family…he stopped the car burst in to tears and told me his brother had passed away that morning suddenly and my husband’s dad found him in his bed. No MRI scans in those days he had a tumor on his heart.
I don’t think my husband ever got over this and when his dad passed away eight years ago it broke my husband’s heart and he never got over the loss of his dad. He looked after his mum sort of but he drank himself to oblivion and it affected his brain. He and his mum were living in a such a mess and I battled with social services who were unhelpful…I apologise to anyone on here who works for social services this is just my experience.
Christmas last year was very different just me and my daughter. I cooked an Xmas dinner we sat in the sitting room with a blazing fire a sofa each with rugs candles sparkly lights and watched films on the telly…it was actually very peaceful.
I have written far too much
Regards meg

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Dear Meg, talk as much as you like, we are all anonymous here, I have talked so much to so many people and it has helped me. I hope in time you will feel more at ease about the happier times and start to share those as well. it does help and i know you probably don’t feel it, but I can see progress already.

I’m not a counsellor, but like you, have the unwanted experience and living a much different life now. So as hard as it is, I try not to think of the past or the future and live for the “Now” I think what what I’m feeling about and what would my wife done to cheer me up if she was here, I’m surrounded by pictures of our happy times and write a lot. I went right back to the moment we first met and started to type out the story as though I was having a conversation. I miss nothing out, the fights, the intimate parts of discovery, the things we did etc. I get lost in the story. I have had crap parts as well, but I just gloss over them, they cant hurt us anymore and no one needs to know that.

It works for me, so feel free to ask me anything, we might be able to help each other? remember, apart from what we say on here, we don’t know each other and probably never meet, and that’s why I share so much, but it does make me stronger. for example, I belong to The Country walking magazines “walk 1000 miles” Facebook forum. there 41000 members all walking 1000 miles in one year. I write and post all my walking stories on there and the response and kind supportive messages are staggering. literally 1000’s had read them and 1000’s have written back sharing similar stories of loss, grief or just enjoying a chat.

Again, all anonymous. I posted a chat about does anybody ride a motorbike, well loads of responses and loads of memories were being shared and smiled over. the point I’m making is that you honestly are not alone and there are many kind souls that just want to read and right about life’s stories.

I don’t expect you to just jump in, all I say is keep talking and if you want to to join in, I will post the link on here. you don’t have to comment, you can just read, its free and well controlled, and who knows, you might sign up to walk 1000 miles next year with your daughter, you probably walk more than you think, I will doing it again as it has helped me and if you want, you can pay £10 and when you complete the walk you will get a nifty medal.

You can do it for the memory of your husband and even get some sponsorship. My family are doing it and I have just completed it and its all for the charity and in memory of my wife.

Please don’t feel pressured to do it but have a look at the forum, its on Facebook and its very like this but not just about loss and grief. But honestly, I can see a bit of light popping in with you.

Please take care and if you want to look at the waling forum, just reply and I will send you a link, its on Facebook, but I warn you, I’m on it a lot, but you can ignore me!

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@Mikeh your stories are positive, uplifting, enjoyable but sad. As a fellow motorcyclist I nod to you in the way we would if we met on the road.

We too courted, married & biked into our 60’s, stopping around lockdown apart from some short local runs. My husband patiently taught me to ride his 650 in 1978 & I still have mine, same one I bought in 1982.
I lost my dear loving husband to covid in January & often wonder if what I used to call ‘my 2 wheeled therapy’ would have helped me climb out of this deep dark .lonely hole.

Still have our 5 bikes & breaks my heart when I have to go into his garage. His tools lie on the bench as he left them, like a scene from Marie celeste. My husband, my best friend, my soul mate, my cheer-leader, my mechanic (or as I used to tease “my spanners”).
Would be just wrong riding without him, he was always sitting there to my right being my protector, occasionally riding alongside so we could hold hands.
He is a lot to miss, too much to miss.
Everytime I have to remove his name from something or tell anyone he died, it’s like he dies all over again.
You tell us about finding feathers - I know that can bring such comfort. One friend poignantly pointed out the number of feathers in my garden ((we have many feeding stations) & said that my man is still looking out for his birds. My other friend said it was most likely a sparrow hawk. Cried & laughed at both.
Wish I could walk through my grief but I don’t have the energy.
Keep posting Mike, you are doing a good thing, you are helping so many here, touching so many hearts.

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Hi Mike
So very sorry for my late reply to your very kind message about my husbands funeral.
Time has taken on a different dimension…
His funeral was only 3 weeks go but seems like a distant dream. I went for a little walk just before it, and watched everyone arrive from a distance. It was like being forced to play a part in a film I didn’t want to be in! The day went ‘better’ than I thought it would. Lots of memories and laughter, but I couldn’t help feeling that I was playing a role that others expected me to play, and the relief when it was all over was enormous.
I am still struggling with the concept of time.
Sometimes it feels like yesterday since I lost my husband… sometimes it feels like years!
Thank you for your suggestion about the 1000 Mike FB group… I would be grateful if you could also give me your link to the walks you talk about (Mikestravells)?.. or something like that…
Anyway, thank you again for your wise and very kind words.
There is a podcast called Grief Cast which I am sure you must have already heard about.
I have just listened to Rev Richard Coles talking about the loss of his partner which was very poignant… He has written a book about grief and his experience which I will order…
I am not religious but interested in those who are, and how they sustain their faith…
My husband was an aethiest, but he loved Choral music!
Thank you again for taking the time to reply to my post.

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Hi I feel for your grief as I have lost my husband but by talking about how you feel be it lonely or unbearable sadness and all kinds of emotions by reading all our stories you will find that you not alone or going insane ,we are all going through it or been through it so keep talking it will help
Thoughts are with you
Carol

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Thank you Carol…
Yes… I have found this site invaluable to be able to talk freely and honestly about how you feel, and as you so rightly put it, that ‘unbearable sadness’,. Alot of people mean well with their platitudes, but they dont begin to take away the pain
Xx

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Hi with us you can express your grief because we are feeling exactly the same and understand your feelings.We put on a brave face to other people but with us you can let it all out and that’s good for us
Keep talking

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Hi Katiemarylucy1

Sorry for the late reply, life is a struggle for al of us at times, despite my optimism, I still have low points and this is such a time.

I understand your feelings about the funeral, but it feels so wrong to say the day went well or good etc. I stop myself saying things like that for no other reason than I wish it didn’t happen.

I made my wife’s a celebration, and it went well, lots of hand picked stuff to personalise the day, so I hope as I’m sure you are, the we did our loved ones proud.

time drags runs away stands still all sorts, days merge into a blur punctuated by events that act as a reminder of happier times.

I don’t think any of us actually know what lies behind religion. All I say is that we must follow our own views and not judge others, we will find out at some point.

This is the link www.micatravels.co.uk

I have read a few books and heard about Rev R Coles tragedy, so I think that book would be a good read.

I have also watched After Life series 1 & 2 countless times, I think series 3 is out in December. This I think was brilliantly portrayed and helped me to understand that it was normal to feel the way I do.

I wish you peace and hope.

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Hello Mikeh

Never apologise for late replies.
Time is totally irrelevant.

Thank you for taking your time to reply to my post.
I can sense that you are going through a ‘low point’, and wont trouble you with long ramblings.

I too have watched After Life.
What an accurate and exceptional portrayal of the sheer despair, anger and sadness of bereavement.
I am finding that I am drawn to watching sad stuff on the TV, but also stuff with hope and sometimes humour (as In After Life).
I have just watched Inside My Head, a documentary about the singer Tom Parker from the boy band The Wanted. So inspirational. Life is so fragile.

Thank you for you travels link.
I do wish you kinder days to come…

Kind Regards

Katiemarylucy1

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Dear Maigret

Sorry for the late reply, just a bad time for me, the anniversary of my wife’s funeral, so we all know that anniversaries can effect us one way or another.

Well as a fellow motorcyclist, we know how much pleasure being out on the bike is. My wife was always a pillion, but we courted and have always been on bikes up to recently.

She was a natural perfect pillion and I miss the feel of her behind me, her hugs, the conversation the spontaneous trips, you have to be a biker to understand all that don’t you.

I had a problem with my bike and just left it, but decided to fix it and ride it again, it still feels wrong and I would love to have her on the back, feels so big and rides so differently. My bike is very powerful but I drive it like a moped, just cant help but think about never feeling her on the back.

Eventually the post stops turning up in her name and I still have lots of things to do, her clothes her hobby room full of crafts to name just a couple, but they don’t bother me that much now, so just leaving them in situ at the moment. I will make a bedspread from the clothes that she liked the most, that way I will keep warm under it, so she will be keeping me warm in a sense.

I was in the building trade and had a couple of businesses that involved building fixing and repairing all manner of things, so tools galore and extensive workshops, so she would feel exactly the same as you do about your husbands tools and possessions.

Any sign however it shows itself I accept, and why not. We need to get comfort as best we can, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, leave a regret or trample on feelings then why not try and get some peace even if it short lived. Luckily, guilt, betrayal and judgement will prevent most silly things in the immediate future from happening but in time I’m sure some sensible braveness will occur.

I have started to write our love story, whilst it is sad that I’m so grateful I can remember all the good times and that has helped me. if you cant walk at the moment, try a journal. it doesn’t have to make sense, start with the first time you met and how it went. I’m doing it to provide a history of our life so our children of the future will have a chance to read about us.

I’m sure you will find a way to walk through your grief, I have, but at times I don’t have the energy, the last month has been that exactly that, so we are not alone.

Please take care.

Mike

I dread to think

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Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve got into fighting with family and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it could be related to grieving.
Take care my friend!
Xx