Hello everyone,
I’m new here, my name Is Nick. Firstly I want to say thank you for reading and for letting me join this space. I understand it is a deeply respected safe space and to anyone who is grieving I sent my deepest and most sincere condolences.
I’m here because my Brother in Law and Sister in Law in Poland lost their little boy Adam 9 days ago. They and their younger son are utterly in pieces as are the grandparents, many of you will sadly know exactly how they are feeling.
My husband didn’t grow up with this side of the family, and not being a parent I think it’s hard for him to understand, and I think he’s a little scared of the power of feeling coming from there, but speaking personally, I want to support them as best as I can from far away, and I’m looking for resources to help me do that, suggestions, things I can read, blogs or sites I can look up, as well as hearing things from your own perspectives, basically what has in ANY way helped.
The situation is doubly complicated as our nephew is brain dead, sudden unexplained, no injury, and Polish law has rules about when they can turn off the machines. They are not letting them do that yet so they are in a nightmare state between hell and, well, hell. We don’t feel we should go over there until the situation changes, but obviously if it drags on we will go.
Thank you in advance for your help.
Nick
First, my heart goes out to you all in this horrible situation. The main things, for me, are first, don’t underestimate the effects of shock on all concerned. We still find it difficult to cope, five months on. Another is, do keep in touch, even if your family don’t respond to every message you send. Let them know that you are concerned for them, without making it about you. Since the first outpouring of sympathy, we feel almost as if we’ve disappeared. A very few, very precious, friends communicate with us. An occasional simple “thinking of you” would help us to keep going. Of course, people do have their own lives to live and do find it difficult to know what to say, but we are still here…
Every situation is different, according to the make up of the family and friends, and how the loss occurred but one thing is true, I believe, of everyone, utter disbelief that this can have happened. No-one is prepared for such an event and the sorrow and anxiety which follow are the unavoidable consequences. Your concern does you great credit. There’s no "quick fix’ for this and the greatest gift you can give is to be there for your relatives when they need you. It’s a delicate balance between intruding when they need space and being distant when they need contact. You sound like the kind of person who will be able to read the situation, but don’t feel guilty if sometimes you get it wrong.
Don’t know if this helps but I wish you well in your efforts and that the situation with the hospital can soon be resolved. Uncertainty is corrosive as we found waiting to know what had led to our daughter’s death.
Thinking of you all,
J xx
Jeannie thank you so much for this, it’s really helpful. My most sincere condolences on the death of your precious daughter.
Everything you say makes great sense. So much so that I can’t believe I had to write the first sentence of this message to you even someone I don’t know at all such is the wrongness that this can happen and the shock, which is still just starting.
It is also my instinct to make it completely about them and not expect a response at all.
Sending you and your family love.
Nick