I’ve been in two minds whether to post, as someone who is 3 years 8 months on I didn’t want those who are early on in their journey and are hoping that time is a healer. But I think having wobbles describes the roller coaster of the life we have to lead after losing the love of our lives. I’d really thought I’d started living again, carrying my grief but able to enjoy my life as well. The last few days have made me realise that I’m really going through the motions, don’t get me wrong I am able to enjoy things, laugh with friends, go out & not be sad all the time. But it takes it’s toll, because when I come home & close that door after being out, friends talking about husbands & their plans, you hiding the fact that deep down you’re envious & it cuts you like a knife, eventually you crash. I’m at that stage at the moment, doesn’t help I’ve just had my birthday, it’s Derek’s birthday coming up & I’m so very sad. It’s the first time in a long while the tears won’t stop & I feel so alone. The future stretches out before me & I could have longer without him than with him & that scares me too. My Mum has just been diagnosed with Dementia & I’m her main carer, she is the person who has helped me these past few years, the one I would talk to about my feelings & grief, now she’s unable really to engage, she’ll listen of course but doesn’t take it in. I think this is also taking its toll too. I’m going away to our little apartment in Spain shortly, I’m hoping that brings me peace & clears my head, ready to face the world again. At the moment it’s a case of “stop the world I want to get off”.
Sending love & strength to everyone on this unwanted journey 
@Jodel712
Thank you for your honest account of your 3 years and 8 months since losing your husband. I lost my husband 32 weeks ago and it has been a dreadful time, living through all the stages of grief, with the endless crying. I had never lived alone before and find it horrible and I am hoping to move to a retirement apartment with in house activities, once I can face up to it. Your phrase of ‘stop the world I want to get off”, is how I feel.
I am sorry your mother is suffering from dementia, life is so cruel.
I hope you feel peace when you go to Spain.
Sending hugs x
@Jodel712 Totally empathise with you and how you feel.
If people can be bothered to ask you how you are, they really don’t want to hear the truth; they want to hear you say that you’re fine.
My adult children have their own lives and families and I’m sure they grieve the death of their mother but they don’t really want to talk about her.
Her/our friends with one exception treat me as if I’ve the plague, so I never see them or even hear her name spoken.
I was sorry to hear of your mother’s deteriorating mental health, I experienced this too, although, at the time I had the support of my wife, both gone now of course.
It must be very difficult for you bearing this twin burden of losing your partner and gradually your mother too.
Hopefully your time in Spain will lift your spirit.
You’re certainly not alone but sadly as group members we can only offer our sympathy and understanding; I do wish you solace in your situation.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
I said those very words to my son today … stop the world i want to get off ! Its just cos we miss them dont we ? 8 months into this nightmare journey i never realised how it was gonna affect my whole life in so many ways ? And its the sadness as well … it just creeps up on you and some days you cant stop. ! Youre just crying because you know what you have lost and it was something very precious indeed x