@Nigel-Marnee The monsignor was her priest for years. she did the newsletter until covid when they stopped doing one, she ran the piety shop, the admin for the collection envelopes, was a registrar for her church - he volunteered her! so yes she knew everyone! If you met mum you didn’t forget her. We weren’t raised catholic dad was a divorcee - a big no no for church at time. I remember her saying if they don’t want me their not having my children - she was quite fiesty my mum! What you said about monsignor not wanting my nephew as a non catholic makes sense just wish he’d told us, my nephew was still practising on the way to church.
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Was there for both parents the 24 hours leading up to their last breath (handful of months apart). I didn’t find it comforting at all, I was absolutely frozen and terrified, even though they both went peacefully and I was holding their hand, saying prayers.
My memory of both their moments of passing is very blurry and fuzzy, I have obviously deeply oppressed it, and I think it’s my mind protecting me from the shock and feeling traumatised, like a survival mechanism. I don’t regret it though.
It really isn’t like how its portrayed in movies, no soft piano music playing, no birds singing next to pink flowers, no simply having a nap and slipping away. The entire dying process is something else altogether! I wish the medical/palliative staff were more honest and upfront about what to expect.
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Hi Plutorising
My wife went into the slow difficult breathing some eight hours before she died but she would wake and understand things she would hug me say she loved me and go back to breathing with difficulty during those eight hours she said goodbye to family and the last six hours was with me in my arms. After the last hug she gave me, her last breath was calling her mum in Basque her native language. It was beautiful to be with her, that doesn’t mean I don’t cry every time I remember it. I’m glad to have been with her naturally. The doctors in Spain normally like to speed up the process with medications. I’ve seen this happen many times and it’s like taking a dog to the vet clean easy but …
Tom
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It’s the death rattle I have trouble with, can never forget that. My Mum had it bad, my Dad was more subtle and like snoring (you wouldn’t have realised it was if you never heard it before, but it was still distinct and different)
Was at the pool yesterday, and a woman swimming up and down was breathing loudly and gurgling through the water. Very triggering 
It set me off on a bad uneasy mood all damn day.
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I was with my gorgeous beautiful late wife sue when she took the next step of the journey home. I had hold of her hand. I cant sleep until after 12.30am as it was the time lindsey lodge hospice scunthorpe called me to say her breathing changed.it absolutely broke me.
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Hi,
I was there for my mom’s last breath and it haunts me everyday. I have flashbacks of her body afterward and can still feel her cold hands. I had never seen a dead body before and never thought I would see my mother’s. When it happened I was laughing with my sister, cousins, and partner about my cousin writing a book. All of a sudden we heard the beeping of her vitals monitor and my cousin said “is she still breathing?” Sometimes I feel guilty that we weren’t paying attention to her. However I’d like to think my mom was waiting for us all to be distracted and happy so she could feel okay letting go. I will say that although I sat with my mom’s body for hours after her death I still find it hard to accept, I thought that would make it easier.
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I am so sorry for your loss of your wonderful wife. I have these same feelings of “I need to tell my mom” but realize I can’t. It is such a hard change to adapt to. I am sending you strength and love.
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After we had been told my husbands cancer was now end stage I did not leave his side.
The cancer progressed at an alarming rate, far quicker than we anticipated.
His last week was horrendous as it was difficult to get his pain under control.
For four days he had a syringe driver plus pain relief into his thigh.
The pain was still there.
I witnessed him rolling on the bed, facial grimacing due to pain.
I will never ever forget those very last hours.
How I wish with all my heart I could have saved him, I couldn’t, I was helpless.
We didn’t get to have a last conversation which broke my heart, I kept telling him I loved him and I hope he heard me.
Shortly before he passed he squeezed my hand very tightly and then he was gone.
I never want to witness this again it absolutely broke me and I still see it so clearly 18 weeks into this grief.
I think of everyone of you who have sat by their loved ones side and saw their live end.
I think of you and I say ‘I know how you feel’.
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Oh Claudie, me too. Ray was on a syringe driver for the last 3 days. He stopped speaking on the Tuesday evening only a few hours after they moved him to the private room in the hospital. We didn’t get to have the final conversations either, even though I kept telling him how much I loved him all the time and holding his hand. He was asleep for the 3 days and passed away on Friday evening. The only time he was distressed was when they moved him which broke my heart in two every time. I just couldn’t cope with hearing him in pain.
Seeing the person you love most in the world take their final breath has to be the worst torture. The helplessness is just horrendous.
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I’m so sorry you suffered so terrible Claudie. In comparison we were extremely lucky that my wife didn’t suffer through her cancer. My wife made many friends during her chemotherapy session over the two years she was ill and unfortunately only one of them is still alive. My wife became especially close with a young woman of 31 who went through horrific pain, having a rare bone cancer. She would talk to her long into the night trying to comfort her. Her death was such a blow to my wife. I think it also made her nervous about how her illness would end. I must admit I would often pray that she wouldn’t suffer and thank God she didn’t.
I’m so sorry your husband went through that. I hope you find solace that he squeezed your hand showing you that he knew you were there with him, through it all.
I hope you find comfort
Tom
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My daughter’s death traumatised me. She had cancer too but at 21 her heart and lungs were strong which meant her death was a long drawn out painful end. She had so many medications to reduce the swelling in her brain, to keep her seizures under control and to manage her pain, she had multiple drivers and the medication going through them caused her skin to inflame and break down so the sites were changed multiple times in the same day/ night.
I defy anyone to witness their loved one suffer in the way my baby did and still believe we are right to deny a terminally ill person access to end their life.
I was told she wouldn’t suffer… they were wrong and I will suffer those memories for the rest of my life.
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My heart goes out to you Mobe, what a terrible experience. Sending you hugs this evening x
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MoBe I’m so sorry about your traumatic experience. I agree with you, I think people should receive as much pain medication as necessary if that brings an early end then so be it.
Lots of strength
Tom
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Move
I’m so very sorry you had to witness such an awful time.
I can only imagine your heartbreak - stay strong 
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Sorry meant MoBe
I can definitely relate to a lot said on this thread. Although I don’t regret it, I’m glad I was there for both parents passing, as the thought of them passing alone is horrifying, but the last stages were awful to witness.
The confusion, the terminal agitation and pain, despite the meds. My Mum had a fentanyl patch, which was enough to allow her to slip into unconsciousness, my Dad still had a strong heart and lungs (despite his advanced age) so it took a whole plethora of meds to have the same effect. The terminal agitation with my Dad lasted 8 days and was hideous. My Mum was very skittish and restless, she didn’t want to go but knew she was.
He did have The Big Rally, which is a small comfort. The medical staff were shocked, he just suddenly got up, was walking around, happily chatting away to everyone, and had something to eat! Unfortunately, I missed it as it was during the night. He passed the day after.
Next, my partner. I hope I can be with him when he goes, but I understand if he only wants his kids, part of the dying process is to withdraw, even from very close loved ones, my parents only wanted the kids/grandkids around them at the end. Or if the kids want to be alone with him. I would never take that all too precious moment away from them, so I will say my goodbyes beforehand.
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To everyone on the posts, I feel your pain. My wife and I were together for ever and the last eight years we were together 24/7/365. I believe I have shared here a couple of times but I want to share about this subject in particular. Throughout our marriage she always had a dream where we would both be sitting on a swing in a back porch, holding hands looking out at a lake with all our stuffed babies around us. We lean into each other and kiss with our eyes closed and when we open them again, we are on our knees in front of Christ.
I heard her tell this dream so many times that I began to believe it as truth; assisted by the fact that she died on the operating table thrice and returned; and there were like four times when I was told that was the last time I would probably see her alive again and the next day she would be on the mend.
Come August of 2024, I took her in the hospital cuz she had a severe UTI, which I noticed after she said stuff that made no sense cuz she never told me she was sick. One week at the ICU and she was 75% better; one week in half intensive and she was at 85%; then to regular medicine to heal her completely and I haven’t left her side, except for food or my doctor,.
A week in regular medicine I get into an argument with a nurse because my wife has a couple of bed sores that are almost healed, due to the intense and meticulous care they have been given and she decides not to clean her up after a bm and refuses to give me diapers and wipes ., I always have our stuff, so when she leaves, I change my wife but the nurse doesn’t return to cleanse her until six hours later. That night I get kicked out of the hospital without any explanation at two am.
Fast forward three of the worst weeks of my life because I am not allowed to see my wife during visitor hours even under the excuse that she doesn’t want to see me (even delirious, if I walked out of the room, my wife would yell my name and cry until I returned) or talk to me…they lie to her and tell her I abandoned her, switch her to another room; don’t let her get any calls, and took her cellphone. …I was her proxy, her legal, guardian and she was in no condition to make decisions for herself so I SHOULD HAVE BEEN BY HER SIDE.
When we finally connect she gets sent to a nursing/physical therapy facility, against both our wishes but at least there I am allowed to be with her 24/7,
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PART TWO-so in this nursing home most of the nurses are nice but do the bare minimum as they are SUPER UNDERSTAFFED , but there was one nurse who along with me cried when we saw my wife’s back that first night: the hospital HAD NOT cared for her back and her healing sores were now a huge one that covered most of her lower back where it was so deep you could see the bone and all around this sore, the flesh was bright red and swollen. Pain medicine, antibiotics and long, gentle and meticulous care by this night nurse and her back began to heal.
But she was not my wife, not my smiley, cheerful, quirky, irreverent, gentle girl I fell in love with…she was more quiet than usual, there was a constant haunted look in her eyes, she slept more and ate hardly at all, and I couldn’t even go to the bathroom in her room without her calling my name in fear….slowly though, I believed she was starting to come back to me, after three weeks in the nursing home she had less pain so she smiled more, she ate better as long as I bought the food she liked….she actually got excited about me taking her to dinner on our tenth anniversary.
October 16, 2024, I woke up really early cuz I had to meet with my wife’s doctor so I could get permission for the next day dinner., She seemed sleepier than usual, but with her narcolepsy, determining anything before six pm was basically impossible. I spoke to her and she smiled occasionally but didn’t really open her eyes but around noon I asked if she wanted some Mexican soup and she nodded so I ran to get it for her, but she didn’t wake up to eat. I gave her a couple of hours and again nothing. I figured by the time the night time nurse came in I would ask her opinion but I had a gut feeling I needed to take her to the hospital. At 8 pm the nurse got there, looked at my wife and called 911. I packed our stuff and by ten pm we were on the an ambulance to the hospital. As they were examining her, they gave her some Vitamin B. And she woke up for a few minutes….she looked at me and said she loved me and she was sorry….suddenly she went unconscious again and the doctor told me to run to my appointment because they were going to be working on her in ICU and I wouldnt be allowed to be with her until she was stable…..that they would call me when I could see her again…I told them to stop at nothing to keep her alive….that she was a fighter and she wanted to live.
I ran a few errands, constantly in touch with the doctor who kept insisting I should finish cuz I wouldn’t be able to be with her anyway.
At seven pm, October 17, 2024, as I was on a cab to the hospital, I got a call from the doctor to tell me I should come back, that she was stable but they didn’t think she was going to last the night…I told them not to worry, that she would get better. I got to the hospital, left my stuff in the waiting room and ran inside the ICU…she was lying unconscious on the bed, she was hooked on monitors that beeped and breathed and at this point lived for her, there were bruises all over her body and so much swelling she was deformed…..her eyes were half open…but I grabbed her hand in mine and got as close as the machines allowed…. Kissed her lips, her face, her eyes, her hands…. Spoke to her and sang to her and just told her that if she couldn’t fight anymore it was okay, that I would be okay with out her, that she could let go now….that she was my soulmate…. I loved her so I was releasing her from the promise. The nurse came in at this point and she told me to step out for a few minutes that they would call me back in when she was stable again. I sat in the waiting room and must’ve dozed off a bit because next thing I know I’m on the floor. I stand up, and I am getting ready to go find out why they didnt call me to go back to her, when the doctor comes out to meet me and tells me to sit. She tells me they worked on her for over an hour but her heart gave out, exactly at the time I fell off othe chair and woke up. Then, she tells me I can go back in to say goodbye but in about twenty minutes they need to clean her up and take her down to the morgue . We walked in ICU and I walked to my wife and kissed her lips…she looked like she had the last time she was in the room but she was cold, so cold….i kissed every part of her, said see you later, I love you….i was perfectly calm, but when they came and told me I had to step out, my legs gave out and I couldn’t move, two nurses had to help me to a chair and it was a full five minutes before I was strong enough to kiss her one last time and walked back to the waiting room
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So sorry for your loss and the way you were treated by the hospital .Big hugs to you
Hi jojobear I’m really sorry for everything you and your wife went through. Just reading your posts have brought back all the memories of my wife’s last month in hospital and her final breath. Can’t stop crying now.
You’ve done everything you could. I’m sure she appreciated every moment you were with her.
Wishing you all the best
Tom 