Watching family grieve....all strange

Coping with bereavement
1

Hi All,

Has anyone ever felt they were watching from the outside in…looking at family members, how they were reacting, processing, grieving even?

I lost my dad at the end of April this year. If I could have a £1 for evey time time someone says ‘we all grief in different ways’ I’d be rolling in it!

My family have completed ostracised me since dads passing. I mainly have the forum as an outlet.
I have never seen my mum happier than after loosing dad. They had a dysfunctional marriage, loyal but mum put so much pressure of dad. Frankly in my option that contributed to my dad’s sudden death. Dad and I often said he would be worth more dead than alive to mum from the way she acts etc…I have never heard so much laughter since his passed.

All my family members lashed out at me, all are furious and don’t speak to me anymore. Unsure if it’s because I was with my dad when he died but that’s not my fault. Infact as normal human would have compassion, empathy but as these are normal people. My siblings both toxic (sister lives at home and you can read about her antics in my older post, brother not at home but has accused me of killing dad) …exception of mum who talks to me 10% acts the narcissist, manipulative, pretends to cry, claims to ‘think how dad’s sudden passing is affecting me’ but there are no actions to show anything. She usually with her daughter laughing, eating, midnight snacks, planning things together- theater trips etc and excluding me from it all.

I’m not at a stage where I can giggle and laugh all the time…I resent that they can, it’s almost a betrayal.I hate the way they lash out at me…the emotional abuse and bullying is tiresome and takes away from my grief.

I can voice how I feel to mum but she really isn’t interested…I’m alright jack, selfish and focused on her on survival and who/what is worth more to her- they are value added. I’m her daughter so I don’t matter. My sister (toxic) is worth more and so is my brother…yet neither have been here to help when it counts.

I’m tired of the backlash at me and wanted a place to vent or support.

Sam

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Hello Sam. Family can be very difficult and complex at times. You can’t live with them but you can’t live without them. I’m sorry you’ve lost your dad and I’m sorry that your family aren’t being there for you and for each other. Maybe giggling and laughing is their way of coping. I’m more like you. In the early days after losing my husband I certainly didn’t want to giggle or laugh about anything. What was there to even smile about? It kind of seems disrespectful. Even now 17 months later, if I find myself singing I suddenly stop and feel guilty. So I can understand your frustration. Leave them to it for a while and perhaps keep out of their way. Give yourself some space - space to grieve in your own way. You’ll find plenty of support here. Sending love xx

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Hi Crazy Kate,

Thanks for your reply…I’m going to vent some one but not annoyed at you…just the situation.

I just want to be in a safe space so they can not control and abuse me and they can not have this much impact as my thought are always abut them and not about me or my dad. My family has taken snatched dad away through their actions.

Perhaps, but when you have a mum who is on interested my dad’s worth not the person she lost, it’s hard to accept someone how’s values are not aligned with my own.

I understand what you mean, I found myself smiling to a comedy the other day and thought this is strange without dad. I have the laughter that turns to tear midway…it’s quite peculiar.

I like in my bedroom completely ostracised, whilst mum and her daughter eat together, go food shopping, cook, watch tv, have tea and snacks late evening, go out to the garden center, go out for drives and now planning to go to a musical and exclude me from all the above- fun times- sure my dad would be proud!!!

I stay in my room, fend for myself despite the fact the could if they wanted to help…make things easier for me…but families show love with pain and hurt and it’s the best time when you loose someone to make them feel worse.

I can’t swap places with my dad as much as I liked and besides he was fed up of this family antics too. He is safer where he is…now all their anger gets redirected at me- joy!

I don’t know how to grieve anymore Kate, I feel like I don’t have the right to miss my dad they do and I feel I can’t talk to about dad to anyone as it’s only these clowns that shared him and they are mute about dad but pray for him and don’t ask me to join, make offerings for me and don’t ask me to join…oh that’s right, I just watched him die and was always here for both parents which more the reason you should isolate some and act like a real &**^, because for someone that is what less that would make total sense…

I don’t like feel isolated by then, resented all the time, emotionally abused…oh don’t forget I lost someone in a space of two hours out the blu and watched him die…but hey ho, onwards and upwards.

Having so love, compassion, kindness can go a long way…clearly in family that doesn’t work but thankful on the forum people do make time.

Thanks Crazy Kate, xxx

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You’re welcome Sam. Not sure I was of any help to you but just wanted you to know that there is always someone here for you, someone with a listening ear. Take care and a big hug xx

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Thank you Crazy Late, that means a lot!

Take care too, hugs xxx

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Hello, I read with such sadness for what Sam is going through. In my life I experience much the same with a cruel and toxic older sister. I am not ready for “cheery walks down memory lane,” But my sister insists on sending pictures of my younger sister in happier times, and re-writing history to make it appear that she & my sister had such wonderful times together (mind you she ignored us both for 6 years before barging back into our lives the last few months of my younger sister’s life). She says things now that she never said while my little sister was alive, such as “how pretty” and “what a sweet face” my sister had. There was no such compliments, only insults, when my sister was alive. My point being that like Sam’s sister, my sister is only concerned with herself, and cares not for how her actions impact me, the one who had a loving, loyal, and consistent relationship with my younger sister. I don’t feel I share memories of my little sister with my older one, because she was not there for my younger sister in life, and does not respect her memory in death. Accepting that those closest to us, can hurt us the most, only adds to our grief. Sam can you find compassion with friends, other family, or a support group? Of course we on this forum are here for you any time of the day or night. I hope you can soon find a safe place to mourn for your Dad. We all deserve to grieve without interruptions and distractions. Peace. xxxx, Sister2

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Hi Sister2,

It’s lovely to hear from you and hope you are keeping well. Thank you as always for sharing and being supportive. I know you fully understand from your own experiences with your older sister. Gosh, that sounds so familiar and I get it. To me it’s what you do when the person is here that counts. There is no point after the fact and that’s how I lived my life with both parents. Slightly different now regarding my mum because things have shifted in the dynamics. But still I try and still my mum can’t seem to support me or out me first when it comes to my sister.

It can be painful and almost hurtful I imagine listening to your older sister talking and rewriting the past when it comes to your little sister. The things she says are not how it really was and yes, saying nice things in reflection is ok but your older sister doesn’t seem to understand it was what she did and how she acted that counted when your little sister was here.

My mum used to put a lot of pressure on my dad and when I did things for him she would say I was ‘pampering’ him. No, I did the same things for each parent, looking after their needs or wants, trying to help. My sister never wanted to help out, infact nor did my brother. It was a case of convenience and it wasn’t convenient for either to go out their to be here to help. So when I hear my mum saying dad was like this or that, it makes me feel like- how would you know, she treated him like crap and now she has the audacity to say these things when all she did was criticise.

I understand how you must feel and how frustrating it must be. It does take over the grief. My sister is still being difficult. The latest is she was talking about picking up the ashes and they are deciding what to do. I am an after thought. I have the feeling they will decide and they might even leave me out!

I have friends but none that make a real effort. It does hurt and I am trying to accept they are all busy and don’t care for the drama. Although they don’t understand I never asked for this drama and I’m finding I’m in it which is why I stay out the way not to mention my sister has taken over the house as though she is the owner and mum allows it as shes scared of my sister so I’m ostracised by both. It’s a pack mentality and I’m the enemy. I have found some cheap activities locally to do once I have an income.

Thank you for being supportive and always checking on me. It’s kind and I appreciate it, just wish the family would be as supportive.
I hope you are ok and I’m hear to listen and be there for you too.
Hugs xxx