Waves of grief

Today is hard. It’s not a significant date, just hard. I ache for my beautiful daughter. I miss her so very much it’s painful. Some days are bearable. Today isn’t one of those. I’m due to return to work tomorrow, four and a half months since we lost her. Trying to return to some kind of normality is painful. I feel heartbroken and guilty at the thought of moving on without her in my life. I can barely hold it together. Oh how I wish I could just slip away and be with her. I did feel like things were easing a little but this wave of grief today is as bad as the day after she died. I know it will pass but boy it’s bad. She was just 19 and died a matter of weeks after both my parents passed. Some days it’s just too much

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Oh Sam. I’m so sorry you are having these dreadful feelings. I know how hard it is. Sometimes it feels one step forward and two back. Couple this with returning to work and it’s tough.
Please know that we are all with you.
Let’s know how you get on tomorrow.
Sending you strength and hugs.
Xxx

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Dear Sam, losing both parents and your daughter is truely horrific - the worse of the worst and so, rightly, what you feel is raw devastation. This depth of loss is way beyond easy and in amongst this you have lost your identity of being a daughter and Mum to a daughter. Your identity has changed but also the depth of your character has been exposed. You are a survivor and being on this forum indicates this. No one said life was easy and no one gave us the lottery ticket that protectes us from anguish. Seek your inner reserves to put one foot in front of the other and take a day at a time. Your autistic son will be watching you intently to gather clues as to how to manage how to be in this “new-normal.” Sadly the pressure is on you to be all to everyone. So look after yourself by posting on this forum and viewing work as a norm in this tsunami you are experiencing. I’ve recently lost my husband and find that charging my batteries through fresh air and beautiful scenery whilst dog walking keeps me sane and gives me head space to think, feel, mourn and reluctantly move on, one wee step at a time. Cx

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How did you get on at work today Sam?

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Thank you for asking. It was ok. I cried and people hugged me but it wasn’t as upsetting as I’d thought. I had a bunch of flowers waiting for me and everyone was kind. I appreciate you asking xx

Dear Sam
I feel and understand your pain, it’s overwhelming. I lost my beautiful daughter on December 18th aged 29 after a 20 month battle with cancer.
I too have just returned to work after 3 months as i try to stay busy to get through each day. She was my best friend as well as my daughter and some days I just cant believe she has gone. Staying busy helps a little but the moment you stop the grief just engulfs you.
People tell me that time helps you to cope but like you I just want to be with her - I search for a sign from her everywhere.
I wish some peace for you and send love x

Thank you Karen. It’s strange, as you wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy and yet there is comfort in knowing you’re not alone in all this isn’t there?
I too search for signs everywhere. I feel I could cope better if I knew for sure she was around. It really is hard to believe that we won’t see them again isn’t it, it’s probably the hardest thing but I do think there is something after death and that helps.
Some people say time heals, others that they feel no better. In my experience it is less painful now than those first few excruciating weeks but it still hits me, however I do try to tell myself it won’t last and it will ease. It usually does. My counsellor says that in his experience, after around a year, people tell him that their grief is still with them but now fits into their pocket, they carry it with them and take it out but it no longer consumes them. That really helped me, especially in the first month.
I ache for you as everything is so recent for you. Losing a child, whatever their age is truly hideous. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter and best friend. My daughter was my best friend too.
You are in my thoughts and I hope you too find some peace in knowing she is no longer suffering. Small comfort I know
Take care
Sam x

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Thank you for your reply Cristal,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I agree with you that getting out helps although I found that so hard at first. Even simply showering was a huge task but now I find keeping busy helps me. I have never thought of myself as a survivor. I suppose that’s probably because I don’t want to survive but I know I have to. If it wasn’t for my husband and son I wouldn’t be here, simple as that. But they are and they need me so I find small ways to help me get through the day like lunch with a friend, a walk, a book or just playing mindless games on my phone. It doesn’t stop the hurt but just takes my mind off it for a while.
I’m so glad forums like this exist as it just helps to know people do survive, even if they may not always want to.
Take care
Sam x

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. It’s nice to know people care and understand. I really appreciate it Matella xx

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