It was my birthday yesterday, Matt died on Christmas Eve we usually went away in January. We had a cruise booked in the Canaries I should be finishing my packing, he should be going around the house checking things, the locking things up, making things safe, putting all the documents together double checking the paperwork, triple checking the paperwork because that’s what he did. He looked after everything made everything safe. And he was so looking forward to seeing the flora and fauna of the canaries. Instead I’m sitting at his desk in the dark looking out at the darkening sky just wishing I could be where he is right now.
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Hi @Juniper19,
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community 
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.
Take good care,
Alex
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Sorry for your loss and on Xmas eve😞
I also had my birthday very close to my partner’s passing - 10 days in fact and spent my birthday with her at chapel of rest
No real advice, just stay and strong
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@Juniper19 I remember going to the doctors for a sick note, my husband passed just before Christmas & needed one as was due back at work. I told him I felt utter despair & hadn’t felt pain like it even though I’d been through the loss of a parent. Our 2 girls are grown up but they’ve still lost their Dad & they were upset but coping, I felt I should be doing better. The doctor said when Derek’s life ended yours as you know it did too. Your children still have their own lives to go back to, your present & your future has been turned upside down, don’t expect too much of yourself. Those words really resonated with me & stuck in my head. Like you we always went away for New Year, we had an apartment in Spain which we’d made plans to retire to in 2020, got residency sorted & was just waiting for my early retirement date in March. We’d sold our house & bought a little bolt hole here & then boom, it’s all gone. It’s a lot to deal with. Don’t expect too much of yourself & no one, unless they’ve lost a partner knows what it’s like & even then each person’s circumstances are different. But everyone on here sadly will recognise that feeling of emptiness & despair. This site has helped me a lot.
Take care, sending love & strength 
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Thank you @Jodel712 that has helped and I agree just listening to other people’s stories on here has helped in that we know we are not alone.
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I feel your pain @Juniper19 and recognise where you are at and how you feel. I’m a week away from being a year in. I remember wanting to fast forward to a time when I didn’t feel suicidal, felt less pain, felt life was ok. Well here I am. I have a life worth living and I never thought I would say that. Yes, I still have difficult days but overall life is good. There’s a lot of stages to get to this point and I know I still have a lot of stages to go before I’ll ever be at peace with this new life. But I’m reassured that he is riding the waves with me, guiding me on this new road I travel. Take each day as it comes and stay in the present. It does get easier x
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I lost my lovely husband on1st December on holiday it was the most horrific thing, the guilt I feel for not taking him as serious as I should and the devastation that he died so sudden, I feel so lost my world has fell apart, feeling your grief with you.
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Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It’s also a common theme with grief that we blame ourselves but it’s not us. For whatever reason he could not live but that choice was not yours and you shouldn’t blame yourself. Shoulda woulda coulda, we all do it but it doesn’t change anything.
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Thank you but it’s so hard 
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It is, it’s the hardest thing we’ll ever do. It’s the last thing you expected and something you can’t comprehend. You will feel so many emotions and the pain is beyond anything that only others who have been through this will understand. I wish I could take away the pain but unfortunately I can’t and it’s something you will have to walk through. Reach out on here, this site has introduced me to a great community of people who are now very good friends and together we support each other through the challenging days.
I hope the site can help you to, your not alone.
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Sorry for your loss @Angela62 I too feel very guilty because with my MS I was so wrapped up in my ever increasing disability and he was gradually becoming my carer and working full-time. And I agree, a sudden death gives us no time at all to prepare, to say goodbye, to say all the things we wanted to say it’s unbearable!
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It is that morning death was never on my mind so many if onlys , just trying to take one day at a time as I am sure you are .
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