I think , until you’ve lost someone close you’ve no idea what it does to people. I don’t blame people for being clueless. I know I was guilty of not grasping it before Tim died. I just wish we could all have remained clueless.
1 Like
Hi. Sister2. Yes, I had one. ‘Have a merry and happy Christmas’. No need to comment on that one. Most, Bless them, just put remarks like ‘take it easy’ or ‘Do your best’, but they are often from people who know. I wonder why we do this? The whole meaning, symbolic as it may be, is lost. It’s just an excuse for mostly false jollity and drinking. Families come together having ignored each other all year. People are put under an obligation into doing things they wouldn’t normally do, like buying expensive presents.
Now I do know we shouldn’t get cynical because, by and large, people do their best to help, however misplaced most of it is. But I still feel there is so little understanding about grief. No one asked how you are!!!? It’s a subject that most shy away from. We ‘go through the motions’. We try and smile and, because we have no wish to upset others, we go about our business as best we can. But the pain inside is still there.
You are so right about this site. It was obviously set up by those who know and understand, and Bless everyone here for the lovely posts. No matter what we say about how we feel it will resonate with someone somewhere. There’s not a lot we can do about Christmas, just grin and bear it. People who mean well just can’t understand why we may want to be alone. Being alone and being lonely are different.
It is a time when memories will appear. We can only allow them to come with as much love as we can manage.
Bless you and Bless everyone here. You have all helped me so much over the past year. And you take care too. Your posts have always struck a chord with me. XX
1 Like
Thank you purple, and so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. My one friend lost her nephew to a drug overdose a few years before I lost my sister. On the first Christmas after he died, I chose a card that spoke of dealing with a loss at the holidays, I wrote in it that I knew how hard the first Christmas would be for her & her family. That is why I was so surprised when she sent me those “cheerful” cards that I found to be insensitive. I learned not to expect even those who have experienced a loss, to necessarily be tuned in to my loss. It hurts less that way, I am glad to hear you have support. Take care, Xxx 
Well said Jonathan. I think we need to wear a button that says “Be Gentle, I am Grieving.” I work in the Mental Health field, but despite studying the human condition, I remain baffled by how tactless and insensitive some people can be. When I do hear a kind word, I treasure it. I take the good from people as a gift, and discard the hurtful remarks like rubbish 
The compassion on this site restores my faith in human kind. Xxx
1 Like
Many thanks for your heartfelt post. So much of this rings true for me. It was my darling wife Sue’s funeral last Wednesday the 18th December after 27 years of an amazingly loving marriage and 43 years since I first saw her cheeky smile at school. She was always so full of life but slipped away in just a few weeks. Since her death in November whilst cleaning the house I came across a lovely cute Christmas card Sue had bought for me still in its wrapper that now will never be written out with her beautiful hands and lovely 2020 calendar with garden birds on it she had thoughtfully bought some months ago before her illness struck and was to take her away so tragically. Yesterday the funeral directors gave me Sue’s glasses back (it was cremation so they couldn’t leave these on Sue) and another emotional meltdown. Each day is a challenge of being sociable and polite to people I meet in village in the but screaming with the grief inside. The little things that I come across such as the card and the calendar really set me off. Wishing love to all the wonderful people on these message boards, we are all here for each other in these difficult days.
2 Likes
Dear Anthony
So very sorry to read your post. Yes it’s such small things that trigger an emotional meltdown 
Henry had a rented flat and we had to clear it…I’ve so much of his stuff at my house- most of it’s in a spare wardrobe as I found it so upsetting seeing it. Equally I can’t bear to dispose of it.
We will all learn to live with our loved ones in heaven, where they are safe and free of pain and worry. They send us their love to help us manage without them - everything is temporary so one day we will walk with them again.
I hope you have people who love you to support you.
Purple
1 Like
Dear Purple, many thanks for your lovely words. It must have been heartbreaking to have had to clear Henry’s flat and I can identify with not wanting to part with his belongings whilst also being upset seeing them. I am just the same and don’t ever see myself wanting to part with anything of Sue’s. It is comforting to think that our loved ones are now in heaven, at peace, free of pain and worry, We will eventually embrace, hold their hand and walk by their side once again. Thank you so much for the lovely message, Anthony
1 Like
I dont feel your message is a downer at all its just honest, you responded to me yesterday about me not wanting people to keep wanting to convey their condolances or offer support or a place to go for christmas you seemed to just get it, the need to just be alone and quie,t i am in the moment not tomorrow not next week just now.
I am going to my neighbour tomorrow.She has been so kind to me so it would have been rude to say no.I don’t have to stay long and it would be nice to talk to someone.I have had a really bad day,probably because it’s Christmas Eve.I just want January to come.I hope I can have some sort of life but I’ve no idea at the moment,it’s all still too raw.
Hi Jill thank you for posting and am very sorry you have had a very bad day. I can empathise as this is my first Christmas also spent without my wife and it’s a case of taking things hour by hour and day by day and going with the low points with the grief still raw. I also agree that I cant wait until we get into January and some longer daylight. Hope tomorrow with your neighbour goes well and good to hear she has been very kind to you. Take care of yourself. Anthony
Thank you Sister2, orchard and everyone on this group. I have also encountered an incredible amount of insensitivity including ‘friends’ sending me a Merry Christmas card because 'they felt they should '. A neighbour has blanked me since my wife’s death but managed to struggle round to collect a parcel I had taken in for the neighbour with a hastily written xmas card in her hand which they had written ‘happy new year’. These are supposed to be intelligent people but please I wish they wouldn’t bother.
Hi Anthony, my next door neighbour also blanks me. Young couple. wife will speak if she has to but husband will look everywhere rather than at me and won’t speak unless I speak first, which I do as I’m determined to make him speak. I feel like telling him that I lost my husband I don’t have anything catching. Neighbours on other side speak but not once have they come round to see if I was alright, yet they have been neighbours for 36 yrs to my husband and 30 yrs for me.
xxx
Hi Pattidot, I am very sorry that your neighbours are like that and that none have come around to see you despite over 30 years of knowing you. I wouldn’t even bother giving them a second thought as not worth upsetting yourself and they are simply not worth. It may be there are some nicer people a local coffee club or similar thing run by a local church? Luckily in my village there have also been some incredibly supportive friendly people in my church and more generally who are helping me get through each day and have also been bereaved in recent months and years. Their comments have also been useful e.g to pace myself physically and that everyone’s grief is different. Please take care of yourself.
1 Like
Most of my neighbours have been brilliant but the wife of one of them goes out of her way to avoid me.I haven’t actually spoken to her since before Rob died.Her husband has been really kind.Why do people fear confrontation when someone has died?Nowt so queer as folk!
Hi Anthony, To be honest I don’t bother about neighbours. I have always kept myself busy and no different now. My husband and I had allotments and I was allowed to keep Brian’s as well as my own so I am more than busy and see some lovely people there who come and chat or just a wave is enough. I am a Rambler and enjoy walking although the weather has made it a bit difficult at the moment but I still do around two hours a day with my dogs and lucky enough to live in a lovely walking area. I have my garden and look after a communal garden. I go to groups once/twice a month but never to meet for coffee as I can’t stand it and even dislike the smell of it. I meet other walkers when out with my dogs and we have some good chats. I also go to dance classes every week, so don’t have much time for anything else. I am slowly coming out of myself and as you say pacing myself. I don’t find I crave company all the time.
Pat xxx
Hi Pat, many thanks for responding and it’s great you live in a lovely area for the rambling, plus the allotments, gardening and your other interests including the dogs. You are certainly keeping busy. I am gradually getting busy with more outside interests since my wife Sue passed away recently (she also couldn’t stand the smell of coffee 
and am joining various local groups including volunteering to help a local hospice. It has been the best medicine to talk to other people and be outside in the fresh air weather whenever I can as it helps me clear my head. I find I am not at home that much but, like you say, I am finding I also need to pace myself with some quiet time on my own.
Thanks once again for posting your reply.
Anthony xxx
Anthony. By co-incidence I am also considering volunteering at the local hospice. Can’t cope indoors as yet, although Brian didn’t go into the hospice I nursed him at home but I think it would be too much to see people very sick but as a keen gardener I am offering my services in the gardens. I too find the fresh air to be a real help. I have been asked to do all sorts of volunteering but I want my dogs with me, they have proven to be my lifesavers and the hospice are happy for me to bring them with me, they encourage dogs for their therapeutic effect. My dogs are so friendly and anyone who likes dogs will love them. I’m afraid I never felt the need to join groups or wanted to volunteer, I shied away from groups of people, even people that I knew but slowly I am finding my way. I intend life to find me and I will know if it’s right for me. Even at the allotment where I used to be on the committee I have kept myself in the background this past year. I too am not at home all that much but I also need to like my own space and don’t want to seem needy.
All the best
Pat
Hi Pat, it is great the various things you have done especially incorporating your love of gardening and your dogs to give pleasure and comfort to others. I am initially volunteering in the local hospice shop to start with as the indoors palliative care side would trigger off too many recent memories or Sue’s final weeks at the moment but hope to gradually do more including outside. What you said about letting life find you rings very true with me, ie if something feels right and works out with timings on other things then I will go for it. However I also agree about needing your own space . Best regards Anthony
We seem to be on the same wavelength Anthony. Exactly, if something feel right I know it’s the right time to make an effort. There is a gathering of allotment members soon and up to yet I’ve avoided groups but I hope to be able to attend but won’t know until the day whether I can mingle or stay in my comfort zone at home.
Bless
Pat xxx
Hi Pat, yes we do seem to be on the same wavelength. I think we are guided when it feels right to do something especially in joining a new group or activity. As you say it isn’t until the day itself (or maybe an hour before) when I can decide. In fact I went to a Light a Life memorial candle service in Lavenham in December and it wasnt until I was parked in the church’s car park before I knew I would be able to go inside ! but as things turned out was glad I did.
Bless you too
Anthony xxx