Good morning everyone. Another week begins. I’m not looking forward to this week. Work can be difficult at the best of times but this week the festive atmosphere will kick in. People endlessly ask what your plans are for the big day, have you all your shopping done, they wish you a Merry Xmas without thinking. I don’t dread Xmas as such but when your child is dead your mood is naturally low and you become sensitive to remarks. For us Xmas is a bigger emphasis than usual that our lives have changed forever. Love and strength to all as the week begins xx
We are very sensitive to remarks, you are so right. When you go into a shop and they say “Have a good day”, “Enjoy the rest of your day”, “Enjoy your evening” and some days your just going through the motions. Smiling, being polite but inside it might be the day from hell for you. How often have I felt like snapping back at these silly remarks but it’s not their fault.they have no idea. So I smile politely and get on with my day as usual.
I can also relate so much to this. It’s the reason I’ve avoided people since my Dad went over the rainbow bridge. I’m also running out of ways to say that. I just know I would snap at someone being cheery but I know its not their fault. They don’t know. Missing my Dad a lot, it’s only been 6 weeks but everyday gets harder without him.
Love to everyone x
In the lead up to Christmas i can hear my mothers voice. I just can’t believe that she’s not here and it’s 10 weeks today. Yesterday, I spent all evening wrapping gifts for very distant family. i wished i thought it through and told them I wasn’t going to continue to give gifts. It’s Mum’s tradition. i had no intention of continuing it, but my brain is in another world!
Everything, I do reminds me that I just want to be quiet. I’ve got a distant friend who wants to send me something. We never do normally. I just don’t want to have to deal with it. I don’t want to say thank you. I don’t even want to talk to her, as she hasn’t lost anyone and is not at all diplomatic.
I just want to grieve, hide away and be quiet.
Physically I feel wrong and it not helped by having a common cold.
I’m still not over the shock and yesterday was a hard day. I sat in a car and I said to myself. “I’m worried about Mum!” I then burst into tears, because of course she is gone. I’m stunned at how quickly my Mum went.
This is a place of sanity. Take care.
You arent alone in your thoughts and feelings.
I also have a cold and feel rough after a blood test yesterday so I feel extra sorry for myself.
This isnt a good time for any of us and I often worry about mum only to remember that she isnt there.
I would stop the gifts. Mum was really big on sending xmas cards but I have only sent them to mums siblings. I didn’t want to start up something.
I’m sure we will all feel a little better once the new year is here x
I’m so sorry Daffy you feel as you do. But at this time of year I doubt many of us feel much different. 10 weeks is so little time although 10 years can bring back memories. We don’t ‘get over’ grief we learn to live with it.
I feel the same. I have had numerous invitations and I’m fed up with making excuses. I would rather be on my own and treat it as another day.
People mean well but have no idea. ‘It will take you out of yourself’. Now what does that mean? ‘It will do you good’. No it won’t! I’m not suggesting sitting and wallowing in self pity. But do I have to explain to most on here?
An afternoon and evening of jollity is about all I need. Many will spend the time with family and that can help, but after when it all dies down we are back to square one. It’s a lonely old business is grief. Sorry if I sound a bit down, and I know we should not wish our time away, but the sooner January arrives the better. It’s new start and, hopefully, a little easing of the pain.
So Daffy. Let’s you and I hide away and be quiet and do what WE want rather than be influenced by others who can have no idea of how we feel.
Looking at what I have just written I feel like deleting it. It’s a bit of a downer, but it’s how I feel and one thing about this site is that we can open up and be understood.
Blessings to all. ‘Day by day’.
C1971 and Jonathan123, I grateful for your replies. How crazy that I feel that i should engage in stuff I really don’t want to do! I am once again.giving myself permission to opt out.
I’m going to try and view this Xmas, as just a great time to hibernate. That’s the most positive slant I can put on it. I nearly purchased a small gift for Mum yesterday for Xmas. I resisted the temptation.
Grief has really hit me this time, either that or I conveniently forgot how bad it was twenty years ago when my Dad died.
C1971 I hope you feel better soon.
Jonathan123, your post is certainly not a downer. It’s helping let go of engaging with people when I’d really prefer to be quiet. Society seems to teach us that we need to be on the go or achieving all the time. Stopping and taking it easy sounds a great idea.
I suspect that you were so preoccupied with looking after your mum when your dad died that you didnt focus on your own grief.
When my dad died I spent so much time fussing over my mum that I didnt grieve the way I am now. I took her shopping, stayed with her, looked after her finances, involved her with everything to distract her from her grief that I barely left time to think about my dad. Now she has gone, I’ve got my daughter to focus on but she wants her friends and is getting older.
I’m missing my mum so much at the moment. I’m so sick of xmas cheer and adverts, programmes showing how to decorate the dinner table and what sparkly dresses to buy.
I just wish I could go back 7 months in time to the 17th may when mum was happy, appeared healthy and life was normal x
I understand. I’m retired and had my 60th birthday yesterday- poignant without one of my children- Henry died 8 weeks ago.
I’ve been cooking today for Christmas and thinking of Henry- he was a chef and said I inspired him. I chatted to him today and felt he was close by. I manage the pain by keeping busy and in someways the cheery people in shops are uplifting. They also may be coping with a loss and are putting on a brave face. I’m looking forward to the new year, spring and all the positive things waiting to be enjoyed and I’m taking Henry along for the ride. Love and hugs to you.
C1971, I think you’re right I had to hold it together, just for my Mum. My virus forced me to bed this afternoon. It’s making me ache. It’s a good excuse not to get much done for Xmas.
i don’t think any decorations will go up until the very last minute.
Happy Birthday for yesterday Purple.
Happy birthday for yesterday (I know it doesnt feel right considering what you are going through but maybe acceptable from others who are grieving?)
Your post is very positive and has made me feel guilty for always coming across as so negative and miserable when I have lost my mum who had a good life at 74 and you have lost your son who should have had many more years in front of him.
You are an inspiration x
I was dreading my birthday but when it arrived and I received so many gifts and good wishes I realised that I’ve still got all this love in my life. So many generous people willing me on. So many people lost Henry and we are united in that loss and our love for him. Yes he was only 30 but he’d lived life to the full, cramming in so much! I couldn’t say my loss is worse than anyone’s- a loss is a loss and pain is pain. Losing your Mum at 74 seems wrong- it’s relatively young today.
Believe me, some days are awful…like it’s just happened…but others are easier to bear. Henry is always with me helping me along. Until we are reunited I will have his love as he has mine. Hugs and love x
Sending love, your post rings true to me about the love people show. That’s what has helped me most the last few months since mt husband died. I have some wonderful friends who lost him too, and they’ve been wonderful. Yes it’s still a hard slog every day, but that love keeps me trying . Xxx
I feel ok at the moment. Sobbed yesterday morning. Held mums ashes in my hand and spoke to her. And honestly afterwards I felt lighter. I like to think she is helping me along. Last night I went to bed and spoke to her again and I felt very peaceful. I had a dream of of her but it was very vague and I can’t really remember it. So that’s a first too. As if she is letting me have some peace in my sleep now. I feel ok this morning too.
I’m going to wrap some presents today. Go to the gym and try have another ok day. Hope you all do too. One hour at a time. XX
My friend sent me a beautiful message the other day it said “your mum is safe at peace and no longer afraid”. It really helped me. I worry about her so much even now.
Hi everyone, I think any one of us should be able to spend Christmas how we want to. If we want to hide away and grieve then we should be able to without having to make excuses. Don’t buy presents if you can’t cope and explain to people your reasons. I am not buying presents but I will be helping my grandson and his wife and kids as they have been wonderful this past year. I have only sent cards to people that have been a support. Family/friends who have not bothered with me will not be receiving but a neighbour or dog walker that has given me the time of day and been supportive is receiving a card and my thanks. However if I knew the addresses of all you good people you would be at the top of my card list because it’s you that have kept me going especially on bad days. So my gratitude and a big heartfelt thanks to you all.
Same to you Pat will be thinking of you. X
I agree with Orchard and everyone on this thread. All around us, there are people “seemingly” excited about Christmas. Stores are full of people scurrying about picking out gifts for their loved ones. Work is no better, with the decorations, parties, endless chattering about plans. I stand amongst them feeling no connection, but listening without hearing, and trying not to be the downer in the group.
Not one coworker asks me how I am.
Christmas was always so special when I had my Mom (died in 2012) and my beloved sister. After Mom died my sister & I continued the traditions. My sister put the joy in Christmas. She never lost her wide eyed childlike enthusiasm, and her bright spirit lifted everyone around her.
My friends send me texts of their warm family gatherings, sitting around the table sharing good food and company. They type, “thinking of you, wish you could be joining us.” Perhaps they mean well? But they fail to understand how seeing those images reminds me of how alone I am. I just remark “thank you, how nice.” Another "friend, " (a social worker no less). sent me a card on the first Christmas without my sister that read “have a great holiday.” This year I received another cheery card from her saying, “hope your holidays will be full of fun and merriment?” Was she serious? I am gobsmacked by the clueless insensitivity of people, especially those in the “helping” field. Yet, I swallow my outrage, and just say thank you.
Only on this site, and at a support group I attend, can I express my true feelings.
I also wish all of you, my fellow grievers, a peaceful and tolerable Xmas. If you have family support, cherish it and take comfort in their efforts to be there for you. If you are alone, remember we are always here for you. That being said, Thank You all for being the kind, caring and empathic people that you are. God Bless, and take care of yourselves during these difficult days
Your post is so moving and encapsulates how we, the bereaved, all having lost someone dear have to tolerate others insensitivity. Of course they don’t mean it and would be mortified if they knew how much distress they cause. This forum is brilliant for all of us as we understand. Perhaps we were those people once…never meaning to hurt but also not grasping the enormity of loss. My heart goes out to you, I’ve lost my beautiful son and my two sisters have been such a wonderful support to me…along with so many other people.
I hope you have people that love you close by. Hugs and love