I appear to have slipped into something and I’m not sure how to pull myself out of it. Or even if I want to come out of it.
Life seems to be going on around me and I’m stuck in some weird limbo state. It all seems so pointless. Get up, go to work, go home, sleep, get up…
I can’t really say I can feel anything, there is a noticeable lack of feeling. Things I once enjoyed doing I just can’t do. I’ve tried and it’s very much forced.
I do have brief moments where I almost feel like I’m enjoying something. Something funny at work may happen and I find myself laughing. Almost like I am watching myself as I do it.
I’m exhausted, have never been so tired. I am sleeping, more so than normal. I wake up feeling worse for it. Although I’ve been dreaming a lot about Paula. I wake up half expecting her to be there.
I guess this is only temporary and I will eventually come out of it.
Hi Twoflower, I have that kind of feeling some days or part of the day and my therapist explained that kind of numbness is a way our bodies have of dealing with the trauma of loss, the numbness protects us from extreme anxiety/emotional pain. When the numbness is gone you feel the agony of loss again. Sending you a big hug!
Sadly, I recognise the feelings you describe and know them very well… where you feel that there is no point or meaning to anything, anymore.
It’s having to somehow carry on with “ordinary life” like going to work (necessity/no choice) when life is far from ordinary, without our precious partners with us.
I immediately recognised exactly that feeling of numbness you were describing.
The permanent absesnce, loneliness, and not being able to share the daily moments with our lovely partners, makes everything feel so pointless and meaningless.
The 1 year anniversary of losing my wonderful husband is about a week away, and if you are able to read my posts, you will see that nothing much has changed for me since those early days. In fact, I can say, the realisation that this is now my “life”, is making things worse and “heavier”, but I try to get through each day, in the best way I can.
Honestly though… my once carefree happiness has been replaced with profound sadness, and an empty and hollow feeling that just won’t shift.
It’s with me 24/7… I no longer know how it is to be without it, and I too, am exhausted.
I often feel that I’m the only one to feel this bad… especially a year down the line.
Take care.
Eve x
I do agree with Anita! Numbness would help me with a horrible morning anxiety when I wake up to this unbearable reality all alone. I can’t sleep normally, I’m dreading of my heavy dreams and they are so real… when I open my eyes, I find myself crying or screaming, so going through mornings is another way how to survive the next day… it’s good that you can sleep. I’ve just tried calming tablets, so I’ll see. We are all here for each other…
Janka
I spent Friday and Saturday with her. So each weekend I sit and replay those 2 days over in my head in real time.
At 10 o’clock she told me should would need a wheelchair when she came home. I promised her the best one I could get.
1020 she told me she loved me.
1110 she started trying to use a mobile phone that wasn’t there desperately checking for something she couldn’t find. Eventually she couldn’tsee it so I told her the battery was flat and I’d put it on charge. She hated that phone and never had it switched on when alive.
Just before 12 I noticed her hand was turning purple.
I could so easily go on. My mind does though. And I can feel every moment as though it is happening again. Which is where I am now.
I can’t keep doing this.
I don’t know how I can watch my oldest friend die on a Saturday and carry on as though nothing has happened. Work on the Monday, car to service/mot, bills to pay, ignored by family, the same nonsense being repeated on the news. It all seems so pointless.
Everything about this life feels wrong. The way we live and the way we die.
I’m looking forwards to when the emotions switch back off.
Hi Twoflower, yes, numbness is better even if it feels weird. Re-living the sequence of how our soulmate and love of our lives died is extremely painful, I would say it’s even physically painful. Have a good cry and try doing some physical exercise because it can take the edge of some of the pain. Have you seen your GP? See if they can give you something to help you for when things get very tough. Wishing you moments of calm and peace this morning!
I doubt If you’re the only one to feel like you do. I’m eight months into my grief now after my partner’s sudden death. I alternate between numbness and anxiety which is worse in the morning. If I could choose I d take the numbness. Life is fairly pointless for me too. I don’t have kids but have support from my sister. She’s away for two weeks on holiday just now and I’m missing her visits. My friends don’t visit as often, one of them is disabled and I don’t drive. I’m retired so I don’t have much social interaction.
I’m full of angst again because the gardener hasn’t turned up and the hedges really need cutting. Everything overwhelms me whereas before I would have taken it in my stride. I really don’t know what my purpose is now. This the most horrible situation I’ve encountered in my life. Take care, keep plodding on.