welcoming new members with comfort and empathy

wouldn’t it be nice ,when a new member ,whose obviously joined this site for a bit of helpful advice ,maybe a bit of comfort and support.To get a welcome greeting showing we understand how they are not coping and are in need of some empathy and comfort.How we should be making the reply about them , And the effects of losing somebody we love and care about greatly.To tell them there is nothing wrong however hurt or down we feel ,And explain the feelings we are going through are a very big part of grief.

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I’m with you x

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Hi Ian, yes agree. We need to help these people wanting help. I don’t think it helps to relay all our own experiences and heartbreak unless it’s relevant. We need to assure them that their heartbreak is understood by us.
Pat xxx

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I could post up hundreds of links where posters have welcomed new people to this site in a kindly mannner. Surely, if that hadn’t been happening them admin would have said something by now or offered a reminder!

I know I’ve answered often, even on days when i’ve been badly struggling myself.
Sharing our experience with them also is sharing a common bond, so they know they are not alone in their experience. Surely, sharing experiences is part of the grieving process. To make people know that they are not alone in their suffering. It needs to be remembered that those replying are often feeling raw and grieviing badly too.
I’ve even looked along the threads to see who has had no reples and made sure that person has had an answer. I’ve even had a couple of pm’s from new posters saying thank you.
Time and time again posters have said words alone the line of " Sorry for the loss of their loved one. Take it day by day and on the worse days hour by hour". Plus to look after themselves. Plus, how glad we are that they found us on this site. And encouraged new posters to keep posting. "
I personally believe new posters have been welcomed reapeatedly in a kind mannner. I think your critisism is uncalled for.

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It’s now alerted by admin that someone has made their first post and it’s unusual if they don’t get a response from us. As we interact it remains ‘flagged’, If there is a rare occasion that that initial contact is missed perhaps admin could prompt us. I always click on the new posts at the top right as I go in to the site. Also think it’s so valuable when admin gives the automated nudge that someone has re-engaged after a period of being quiet. That’s as important as that first post, which only needs a few words of comfort. Think we all do a pretty good job in supporting those who have found us at a the most difficult time in their life.

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I think it’s fair to say that as people, human beings, we all have different beliefs and ways of dealing with things. It means there are going to be differences on things and I think Ian is perfectly in his right to express how he’s feeling without being told it’s ‘uncalled’ for.
This is supposed to be a safe space to express yourself and to give support and empathy to others also in the grieving process, at any stage they may be. Without clogging up their forum on ‘me posts’. There’s ways and means of doing things and this differs for everyone. I think it’s wrong for anyone to tell someone they’re wrong for feeling a certain way.

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I think that new members are always welcomed to this site in a very timely, and friendly manner. If anyone is inadvertently missed, it is purely a mistake because we are all grieving and trying to live our lives such as working, looking after children, pets, family etc.
Occasionally posts arent responded to simply because members may feel they have nothing to add or because they dont feel the thread is related to them for example
I for one, don’t usually respond to threads where someone has lost a partner or a child. I think that I probably cant add to that thread because I havent experienced that but I always respond to threads where someone has lost a parent.
Jianyes post did appear critical as daffy pointed out. But he may not have been referring to any post in particular and just talking generally?
Maybe jianye can clarify?
I think some members can appear to be very sensitive when no malice at all has been intended.

Cheryl x

I’m glad you think so, like I said, other people have different opinions. Not too sure why you’ve directed that towards me, as others have also stated their opinions. I’m allowed mine, as you are yours and so does Ian. All I said was people are allowed to feel whatever they feel, and I don’t think people should tell others they are wrong for doing so. I feel you’ve replied due to my comment on the daily chat which was removed, which I still stand by.
Yes I am sensitive, but no more than anyone else. It’s a hard and trying time we are faced with and tbh I will always stick up for myself and my beliefs, as that’s the person my Dad raised me to be.

Watt92,

If we cant respond to your posts without you thinking that we are referring to a previous thread then there us no point in engaging in future conversations.
I was simply responding to your post in which you says that daffy was wrong for saying jianyes post was ‘uncalled for’.
I was just pointing out that his post did appear critical but that we may have misunderstood what he meant as from what I can see all new people are given lots of welcome attention.
Cheryl

‘We’… who’s we? This just empathises my thoughts. It’s not a gang. We are a bereavement group and people shouldn’t feel singled out.
I don’t think you should respond to my posts anymore and I will follow the same, we clearly just do not see eye to eye and I’m fine with that.
Take care.

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Watt,

I referred to ‘we’ as daffy and I had both posted separately about the same train of thought. At 49 I am probably too old to old to be part of a ‘gang’ and will leave that mentality to children of my daughters age. I am more than happy to engage in future discussions with all the lovely contacts I have made on sue ryder and avoid any posts you make.
Cheryl

No need to be insulting and make me feel immature. I tried to keep it friendly and told you to take care. Whatever, I’ve got more important things going on than to interact with single minded people

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on this wonderful site there are lots of us going through this traumatic thing we call grief.
weve lost partners ,husband,wives ,sons mum dads and daughters brothers and sisters even close relatives and friends.we are all hurting inside some are coping better than others,what works for one will not work for another.maybe im way to sensitive and ive read way to many posts.i realised when I first started trying respond to other peoples request for help.that I had rather than helped id opened up about my losses and then it started sinking in that I was not helping the person requesting help but seeking help myself.so rather than me just reel off all of my losses and feelings, which culminated in me losing my very best friend lover and soulmate Jayne.no doubt some will of read my own topic surrounding my losses.
if people are offended about me saying about welcoming new people to this site.just for a second think why as a new member joined,because they are seeking comfort and empathy or just to release all the hurt onto some people who might understand,so would you be happy if the first response is someone telling you about all their losses .
you may well be happy being told its a hard long road and there is no guarantees on the time frame and that some will try everything and still not be coping to well.if you want to hang draw and qurater me go ahead,my life as regards losing Jayne is over as I know it so nothing any of you could say or do will make me life any worse.so please if it makes you feel better think of things to say or do that will make you feel better.to those who even slightly understand were im coming from thank you .
good luck to one and all and maybe one day you wil find ways to cope,or maybe you like me and looking forward to being reunited with your soulmate.
warm regards
ian xx

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Very well said Ian. Except for the last line. I don’t want to think of you joining your Jayne, not yet anyway. Not much I can add you have said it all. We all welcome new members and try to help it’s the way we help which is important.
Pat xx

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Well said!
I wouldn’t like to think of you leaving us any time soon but I do understand where you’re coming from. I feel the same.
But I very much agree with the way we help that is most important. What we don’t need is grief thieves, thinking it’s okay to ‘give help’ by really just trying to help themselves.
Take care!

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Don’t know what all the fuss is about in regards to your original post. It looks alright to me, and seemed to be a suggestion about welcoming new members.
As regards the last line of your last post - rejoining your lost soulmate. I used to think like that in the beginning - I couldn’t think of a good reason to go on, didn’t really care if I lived or died. But that passes, and gradually I found more and more reasons to think about a life in the future. You can’t have what you have lost, life can never be “normal” again, but it can be different. And the difference can be positive.
I hope you are feeling better soon.

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Dear Ian

On the Wayup forum there is specifically a subsection where it welcomes new members. Wayup is if you are unaware a site for widows and widowers - so for people who have lost their partners specifically. As wayup also facilitates face to face meet ups too in some areas - people say where they are from. I was newly bereaved when I joined and it took me months and months before I went along to a quiz evening and was met by the nicest group of people - sadly we cannot meet up again for sometime - but we have a whatsapp group that is active most mornings and evenings in concerned chat or in the current circumstances uplifting stuff too. I think most people do offer empathy - sometimes we offer our own circumstances and pass on how we have coped or are coping - I think generally when we join the first thing we are aware of on this site as we are all desperately sad and lost. And those who have been on the site longer offer encouragement and hope. I think your idea is a nice one.
Take care in these troubled times
Trisha xx

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thank you very much for your response Trisha very much appreciated.
im not in a great place,i can put my own grief slightly to one side when trying to respond to people asking for support or empathy.but in reality
im missing my baby Jayne like crazy.this lock down scenario that as been imposed my Boris as made little if any difference to me,only think thats a pain is missing my driving come therapy sessions which have been stopped because of the lockdown.
regards
ian x