I needed to talk to somebody - anybody and just get this off my chest. Hopefully writing this out will help.
My mum died on new year’s eve. Of all the days! I don’t know what to do. I’m so… Fed up, hurt and angry.
It’s nearly 3am, I have not slept well in a week - I’m tired, and although on the outside I look like I’m coping, I’m really not. I want to run away, I want someone to support me the way I’m supporting my sibling. I’m making them tea, ensuring they’re eating something - they’ve just lost our mum too. They also cared for mum for years (that’s a story for another day), and they are taking it hard. I don’t want them left alone. Our brother is also taking it hard - but [insert family drama here]
I can’t do this on my own! When my father died, my husband was right there, looking after me and helping with the practical. Ensuring I ate, drank, and looked after myself. He’s 300+ miles away! My best friend is 300+ miles away. And I talk to them every day, but it’s just not enough… I want the constant company.
I want to talk, and scream and my sibling (we are both staying in our mum’s house) just “wants quiet”, they are not ready to talk and go through all those emotions. I hate the quiet! I’ve lost my headphones (it was a rush to get here) and I don’t know where they are. I hate staying in this house. I hate that my mum lied to us! She was not ok, and she kept making out she was. I should have seen it, but with the 300+ miles between us, it was difficult.
My husband has said that he can get here at the weekend, but siblings do not want him here. So, what do I do? I can’t even get on with the practical stuff (we won’t get a death certificate for a couple of days) and the practical stuff will help me. I can’t go to work - my work is 300+ miles away. I can’t even work remotely, I haven’t brought my work stuff.
I’ve even been asked to leave so our brother can visit (it’s fine, I get it - I’m not resenting that), and gives me a chance to do some shopping, but why? Why does that have to fall on me? Because I’m the eldest? I’m the only one who drives? The only way I even ate anything today was because my best friend sat on a video call with me and we went through the cupboards to find something quick and easy and nutritious (that wasn’t easy, but we found something).
Is it really too much to ask that I want looking after too??
Well, this has turned into a raw emotional rant… And it’s now half 3 in the morning! I’m going to (try) and get some sleep.
Thank you for listening.
