@AprilLouise I really hope you do, sending hope and prayers your way 
I know that I wasn’t as loving during the last few weeks, I took so much for granted, and I am so stubborn, I just thought we’d have time to figure out the us part, what was more important was getting stuff done, working more to pay for he things we needed, I was so wrong
I’ve had the same sort of day today, I feel like when I have to function for the kids I find the strength, but when family come over and I have a chance to break down I do, been in bed all day, everyone is asking me to get up or eat something but I’m a bit stuck in my grief right now
Hey @Chanti16 yes I feel the exact same. I thought it was just a rough patch we’d just get through and look back on it when things were better but we don’t have that now. I can’t get his funeral songs out my head today and the afternoon out with the boys didn’t go as planned as I had a big wobble in the restaurant and we left before we’d ordered. Each day I feel like I can’t feel any worse and the next day when I get up I feel even worse, it’s so shit.
Can’t remember when you said the funeral was but I hope you’re coping with planning and it all goes well for you
@Chanti16 i also really feel the part about you both focussing on getting the practical stuff done. There is absolutely nothing that could have prepared you for this and you were doing what was right at the time so please please try not to focus on that. I’m sure in time we will both understand what we were doing was best for our husbands and families at the time and let go of the guilt. I just so wished I’d held him and kissed him more in the few weeks leading up but the truth is, it would never have been enough
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The funeral is in 9 days time, I haven’t even started planning anything, it feels so surreal, myself and the children have picked some songs, one was his favourite and the other is more emotional, there is one song that I found on his playlist after he passed, it was the last one he put on there, I’m unsure when he put it on, but it’s the same song put on there 6 times with hearts put next to them, and it’s called I forgive you, it’s all about suicide and forgiveness, and I’m unsure after listening to it whether it was his way of asking for forgiveness or saying he forgives me for the last few weeks
They’ll always be a massive part of me that will question if I was more loving if I’d have kissed him and held him more if it would have helped, and I honestly think it would, things were so strained in my head, he tried so often to hold me in bed and I’d push him away and I’ll never forgive myself for those moments, inside my heart I was desperate to hold him but the stubbornness in me, spoke loader and I couldn’t let go of a lot of things inside my head, I wish I’d of listened to my heart more
But @Chanti16 you couldn’t have known and that’s the worst part. I keep thinking how I told him his headphones gave me the ‘ick’ and I didn’t laugh at his jokes but we couldn’t have ever known.
We did the best to our abilities with what we had and we gave it everything for all those years
@Chanti16 maybe that is his sign to you?
My Harry adored music and it said a lot about him.
I did find the funeral process quite therapeutic and I hope it does to you too. Listening to his music and looking through photos but I haven’t been able to since
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I want to believe it is a sign
I’m struggling a bit with the funeral music, if you don’t want sharing, what songs did you choose?
Ones he loved or more sad ones?
Hey @Chanti16
Harry had such a broad range of music and I was lucky enough to share a Spotify account with him so I did have a good idea!
For the entrance we had adagio for strings - the musical version although he lived the tiesto remix - because that’s what played at sunset at cafe mambo when we went to Ibiza for his 30th. For the photo tribute music he loved green day and punk so we had green day - time of your life. And for the exit music he loved the film ‘ferris bulers day off’ and from that he loved the song ‘twist and shout’ by the beetles, I have so many videos of him dancing to that one
I did consider our wedding song and a live song we always loved too so that might be an idea. Think films as well as his music taste it might help strike a memory for you
Sending you so much love xxx
That all sounds beautiful, thank you so much for your suggestions and sharing, I’ll keep looking
I also thought about the song that we had sung at our wedding but I think that moment needs to keep with the feelings that it made me feel on that day, not being overshadowed by loss
Hey @Chanti16
Harry had such a broad range of music and I was lucky enough to share a Spotify account with him so I did have a good idea!
For the entrance we had adagio for strings - the musical version although he lived the tiesto remix - because that’s what played at sunset at cafe mambo when we went to Ibiza for his 30th. For the photo tribute music he loved green day and punk so we had green day - time of your life. And for the exit music he loved the film ‘ferris bulers day off’ and from that he loved the song ‘twist and shout’ by the beetles, I have so many videos of him dancing to that one
I did consider our wedding song and a love song we always loved too so that might be an idea. Think films as well as his music taste it might help strike a memory for you
Sending you so much love xxx
@Chanti16 yes I agree.
I collected Harry’s ashes yesterday and I think I may have had my sign
I was on my way to collect him and I accidentally pressed the wrong button when I put on the radio and it started loading a cd… it was a DNB mix that Harry recorded probably when we were about 20/21 with all the DNB music we loved back then. I didn’t even know the CD was in there or when he put it in! Shows how I’ve never accidentally loaded it before! So I vibed all the way there to it and when I picked him up we vibed all the way back, it literally finished just as I pulled into our road. So weird!
Also. May be an overshare but I let the boys touch his ashes and we all sobbed and sobbed on my bed about him
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Wow, definitely a sign, he wanted you to feel joy again and you achieved that, so happy for you that you had that moment
Not an overshare at all, your journey is yours and your children’s, noone knew him like you did and I think it’s a beautiful way to remember
I’m heading to the funeral home today to do a hand casting with my husband and take fingerprints for lockets for the children, and then they are visiting him tomorrow, my youngest is 6 and has a desperate need to hug daddy one last time and if I didn’t let her I think I’d regret it, she needs that closure
My son has struggled to accept that he’s gone, he’s very emotional but said to me last night that it just felt like dad has run away and I was just trying to cover it up, I know their brains process things differently but they need to feel the reality of it so that they can start to heal, and I think seeing him will help them accept that he can’t come back
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Hey @Chanti16
You’ve just popped into my head and wanted to check in and see how the funeral went
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Oh bless you, thank you so much for thinking of me, it went ok as a funeral can go I guess it was a rollercoaster of emotions, I read a letter to him and a poem, which was hard, my daughter’s read him a book, I don’t think I saw anyone not crying by this point, then we watched some videos of him, which made us all laugh and then came the saying goodbye part, my youngest daughter ran all the way from the chapel to the graveyard next to the herse she didn’t what to leave him for a minute, we all had a rose that we placed on the coffin, and finally managed to convince her to head to the wake, they played in the field with bubbles and I got extremely drunk and spent the rest of the day sleeping… I went to his graveside today and we watered the flowers and went and visited family, which was nice
How are you getting on? How are the boys doing?
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