What about my children

Losing a partner
1

Hi there, I lost my husband of 10 years (together for 16 years) to suicide a week ago, we have 4 brilliant children, oldest is 15 and youngest is 6

He had such a close bond with our 6 year old and I’m struggling to understand how he could leave her, or any of us really

Our marriage had been strained for the last 2 weeks, but we’ve had times like these before and we’ve always gotten through it, we’ve recently had issues with our home, cracks, subsidence etc, that have been eating away at him heavily that we struggled to know how to afford to fix

There’s been a lot of pressure on him because of the house, we’d not communicated enough recently and I feel like I missed a massive chance to save him, and the guilt is tearing me up, to have to watch my children cry so much for his loss feeling like I could have done more, they knew things weren’t perfect they’d heard us argue

I was so worried about being productive and helping him get things done, lists, priorities to help that I forgot that he was the biggest priority, and I feel like he felt that from me

I just can’t get over the fact that he didn’t say goodbye to any of us, or reach out and ask for help, why was such an insignificant thing like a house worth taking his life over, why were we not enough

No note left or anything, we’ll never get answers

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Dear Chanti, I am so sorry to hear about your terrible bereavement. I hope you have family and friends to support you, though I think it would be wise to get counselling for you and your children. It’s going to be very difficult for you to come to terms with your grief and that of your children. This can be hard as each member of the family will often manifest their grief in different ways.
I hope you find a little solace on this site as everyone understands what’s like to lose their partners and there are many who unfortunately have had to deal with suicide.
Wishing you all the best
Tom

:hugs::people_hugging:

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Hello, this sounds very similar to my situation.

Lost my husband a month ago today and it looked like it was an accident but now more things point to suicide - no note and him and our eldest were best friends. We’d been together since we were 15 years old and we are only 36 and I’m really struggling to understand why he didn’t reach out to me for help after me promising I’d stick by him. He was struggling with adhd and this was very apparent in the recent months and he’d become someone I didn’t even recognise.

It’s such a cruel world and I just wanted to reach out so you didn’t feel alone :heart::heart:

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Hi AprilLouise, I’m sorry to hear that your husband was suffering like that. Are you getting any help, it must be so difficult to juggle as a family the pain eachother is feeling. I hope you have support from friends and family.
Wishing you all the best
Tom

:hugs::people_hugging:

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I really need to sign us up for counselling this week, after everything I’m having to do paperwork wise it does feel like it’s the last thing on my mind if I’m honest. I found Harrison and had to perform cpr and my eldest witnessed this so I know I really have to do it :heart:

Thank you xxx

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Hi AprilLouise, it must be overwhelming, hope you find the strength you need to deal with everything. I hope you also find some comfort here being able to chat to people who understand the pain you are going through Thinking of you and wishing you all the best
Tom

:people_hugging: :hugs:

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I felt the same with my husband, we’d been through so much and I’ve always stood by him, and we’ve managed to get through everything, it’s such a hard thing to accept that is actually happening to us

I’ve not told my 2 young daughters the truth, they think daddy had a heart attack, whenever they cry I tell them how sorry I am but they keep saying it’s not your fault mommy and that’s super hard to navigate as I feel so much guilt

When you first lost your husband did you manage to eat? I’m on day 7 and all I’ve had in that time are 2 bagels and half a cup of soup, and that was just to stop me feeling dizzy, I feel like its such a mental block now, like why should I be enjoying food when he never can again

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Hello @Chanti16,

I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your husband to suicide a week ago that brings you here. It sounds like it is still incredibly raw and painful, and I can imagine it must be so difficult trying to cope with your own grief while supporting your children with theirs.

I hope that you’ve found comfort so far in the kind replies from @Brandon1 and @AprilLouise.

You mentioned that you’re struggling to eat at the moment. This article about the physical symptoms of grief may be helpful to you:

Physical symptoms of grief | Sue Ryder

You say you are feeling a lot of guilt and understandably struggling to deal with what happened. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you, and @AprilLouise who is dealing with a similar situation:

Thank you again for sharing - please keep posting here and know that you are not alone :blue_heart:

Take care,

Harriet

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Hi @Chanti16

Yes I really struggled to eat when I was in shock but I am now eating again. Please understand that he’d want you to be looking after yourself the best you can enjoy food :heart:

I too told my boys that it was a heart attack but have now told them that because of his back pain he took too much medicine by mistake which caused the cardiac arrest. Which I do think is the most likely case as it was the day before my birthday and I really don’t think he’d have wanted me to find him. But it’s a question I’ll never know the answer to.

Sending you all so much love :heart:

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Thank you :heart:

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Thank you Harriet, i feel your pain @AprilLouise it’s a horrible feeling that questions can’t be answered especially for the children, answers to the questions we seek are are such an important way of healing, I’m so sorry you lost your husband so close to your birthday that must have been so hard, my husband’s birthday is going to be a week after his funeral, and I’m unsure on what to do, I know I need to celebrate it with my children but we can’t do it the usual way, does anyone have any tips on how to overcome that milestone?

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@Chanti16 Harry’s birthday is two weeks after mine (24th April) so I took the boys to the forest we used to visit a lot. They were asking lots of questions about the funeral and about his death and I got a few moments to reflect in the outdoors. Then we had a takeaway at his parents with my family and his, It was actually really nice. Lots of tears but also lots of photos sharing and laughing at memories.

We all wished daddy a happy birthday out loud lots and all cuddled and talked about nice memories.

Hope this helps x

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That sounds perfect, my birthday is also a couple of weeks behind my husbands, I’m dreading that one too, thank you for your advice, I like the idea of being outdoors, we went on a walk the day before his death as a family, maybe we can make that a tradition

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Sounds beautiful :heart:

I really hope you’ve eaten today and get some rest tonight.

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I managed to get my husbands phone back from the police today, the last piece of hope I had clung to, obsessed about, hoping he would have left me something, a note, some answers, something to tell his children

But there was nothing… I feel angry but also a sense of relief that the last hope has now gone so I can focus on something else, like the funeral and the children

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Hey @Chanti16 i know exactly how you feel, I searched everywhere for a birthday present for me but unfortunately found nothing at all.

I won’t get Harry’s phone back for weeks as there was drugs / prescription drugs involved so it’s so awful as I just want to find something that lets me know what he was doing or feeling but sadly I don’t think we ever will.

People keep telling me about male pride and the fact men find it so hard to be vulnerable or admit what they’re really feeling. They want to be the provider and in my case I had to work full time to support our mortgage increase and he hated that plus he was struggling so much at work with his adhd and mental health and he lied to me about that and told me it was all fine - so I didn’t worry.

I don’t know if this is comforting to you but just know that I do totally understand how you’re feeling. My boys are heartbroken and I was the perfect wife so I just can’t understand how he got himself in this situation :heart::heart::heart::heart:

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@Chanti16 i also understand your anger, I feel so angry that he’s left me with such a mess to clear up financially and paperwork and the fact that I now have to single parent two perfect children that have lost their brilliant dad. I have moments of sad but right now it’s mainly anger xxxx

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I’m so sorry you haven’t got his phone back yet, the waiting is the hardest part, it’s almost like you can’t fully process what has happened until you get the last part of them back, I don’t know about your husband but mine was glued to his phone, but after I opened it, there was mostly work stuff, and that pissed me off, I always used to give him a lot of shit about not taking enough pictures and videos of me with the children, but when I looked deeper into the phone over the years he’d taken way more than I even knew about which made me smile

I absolutely understand the male pride thing, I mean I’ll never fully understand but he got into a motorcycle accident 12 years ago and lost his business which really hurt him, the fact that he couldn’t provide for his family was devastating for him, he was a builder

When we started to do work on our own home recently, he had a lot of confidence in what he was doing, he took a wall out between our kitchen and dining room and the work went really well and it was fine for a while, until cracks started to show throughout the house, he was struggling so much with the idea of the fact that he could have caused these cracks with the work that he’s done, it ate him up, his confidence took a massive knock, he was cutting holes in the floor and putting props up to stabilise it, I tried my best to comfort him and tell him it would all be fine we would figure it out, we had builders, structure engineers out who all told him that there was no immediate danger and it was fixable, but when we got turned down for a loan, it hit him even harder, he didn’t know where to turn, I thought that he needed me to be proactive and be the sensible head and try to motivate him and push him forward with plans to fix it, but he didn’t need that at all, he needed me to just hold him and give him reassurance that I was there for him, which I’ll forever regret my choices in that moment.

Things were getting better and he was being proactive which is what I thought, he’s taken down the props in the kitchen and was filling up the cracks, we went out for a lovely family walk with the dog on Sunday and by Monday evening he was gone, it was never something I thought I’d ever have to worry about, every other thing that had happened in our lives we fixed and moved forward, and I never for a second thought he would leave his children, they were his world

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I feel exactly the same. We went on a lovely family day out on the Saturday and round my parents on the Sunday and it almost felt like he was back to his usual mischievous self. I chop and change whether it was on purpose but he’d always had back pain from his physical job and being a tall guy so I think he got hooked on painkillers.

I regret how our relationship was in the last few months. I was so patient and reassuring that we’d get his adhd sorted and his mental health but I feel like now I wasn’t as loving as I always had been because I was under such a pressure to work, keep the house going and the kids admin. I just have to try and erase those memories and remember the times before.

I’ve been terrible this morning, chucked the boys in their gaming and gone back to bed and sobbed and sobbed. It’s going to come in waves isn’t it.

We are in the most shit situation and we’re doing the best we can :heart:

Sending love :heart:

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Yes mine was also glued to his phone! That’s really lovely that he took more photos than you though. I hope I have the same outcome :heart: