very rambly and i don’t know how much sense this makes, i just needed to share it with others:
i lost my wonderful Mummy yesterday (she would always say “you can’t lose a person, they’re not misplaced” but now i understand it more as i lost her because her going has left me lost) and i have no idea how to do anything. i’ll keep living because she made me promise when she was terminal and i won’t let my sister and Daddy lose another any time soon. she had liver failure but in November got the all clear that it had recovered immensely and was no longer terminal - still unwell but not dying. she even said to me in happy shock that day “i guess i’m not dying anymore!”. but then yesterday… she was in hospital from Friday because she couldn’t keep anything down including her tablets and we still don’t know what happened yet because they did a CT scan on Monday night because she was battling for consciousness and every single one of her organs was inflamed. they did everything they could and we phoned on the Tuesday morning to see how she was and they said she was stable, then they phoned 20 minutes later to say to come up. by the time we got there, it was too late. in a way i’m glad because i didn’t have to hear the monitors go off or be rushed out of the room but still. she wasn’t even well enough to say goodbye to the night before. i’m autistic and been nonverbal since lockdown and i know she won’t be upset with me but i just wish she could have heard my voice one last time. i feel like i’ve let her down but i know she wouldn’t feel the same. she will always be my everything and my best friend and i will always be her Babyboo but i want my Mummy back, we were supposed to have more time now. she had no clue she was going at least, but she made so many plans for when she was out that we won’t get to do together. i’ve cried literally all day, i lived with her and the pets and now i’m with my dad and the pets will have to come here i guess because i’m not eligible for the tenancy for her house. she loved it there and it’s going to break me all over again to leave her home for good. not knowing the cause isn’t helping and i know it’s very early days, i just needed to get it all out i think. it just feels so cruel that she miraculously stopped being terminal and then a few months later and she’s gone just like that. i think our dog knows somehow, she pulled a jumper of Mummy’s out of the laundry and has dropped it by her bedroom door. i know logically i’m not alone but it feels like it because she’s gone and i’m not and that doesn’t make sense, how can everything just carry on when my whole world has left? everything and nothing is making me cry, i’m struggling so much to eat but i know she wants me to. i love you Mummy Goose xxxxxxxxx how do i carry on without you? we were supposed to have more time to figure this out. i’m not mad at her because i know she would have fought to the end, i’m mad about the situation though. it doesn’t feel real but does at the same time? people keep saying to take it one step at a time but i don’t even know how to take those steps