I have found this tonight while searching for how to deal with guilt after a loss.
My amazing mum passed 3 days before Christmas.
Honestly it completely broke me.
She was 57
Had been told her cancer treatment was working only a week before. We had planned to celebrate the results but sadly, didn’t get that chance.
When I had her in my home last, she took a shower. Her place was so cold she wanted to have a warm shower and get dressed in comfort. Obviously I was happy to do that for her. She only lives 20 mins away so I collected her.
While here she completely flooded the bathroom. I mean the floor was covered in water atleast a couple in he’s deep? Still to this day have no idea how she managed that? But I went in and said, wow mum how have you done this? I got to clearing it up. Didn’t shout at her, nothing like that. She was quiet and I didn’t pay much attention as I was worried the ceiling would start to leak.
10 mins later she comes down stairs
In my sons dressing gown
I said where’s my one I gave you? Go back up and the floors covered in water again. My dressing gown thrown said soaked? So I did tell her off. I asked wtf happened? Why didn’t you shout me? The ceiling could collapse as there was so much water in floor and I’d used every towel in the house to dry it?
She started to cry. I felt awful but still just wanted her to say I’m sorry?
Within 2 weeks of that event (despite there being many more nicer encounters between us) she died.
I feel like the biggest bit h in the world for shouting at her and making her cry. I know I was stressed cos I had to collect my 3 year old at nursery. I had to clean the floor twice and was worried about it ruining the ceiling etc. but my mum was ill
I think she couldn’t turn off the shower? I don’t know? But it haunts me a bit. The day before she died I saw her and had dropped some shopping off.
I had maybe half hour in her home and had to rush away (3 days before Christmas with a toddler in tow) last thing she said was il speak to you tomorrow. Tomorrow never came
And I feel awful I didn’t stay longer or tell her I love you mum. I was in such a rush I didn’t even say love you mum.
wtf
These things are breaking my heart. I’m still crying every day. I miss her so much.
She was the bravest funniest most amazing person. And I wish so much I’d told her more.
It’s only been 6 weeks. So I knwi I have a way to go. But the idea il never see her or get to tell her I love her it just hurts so much. All the plans we had for Christmas too. Just everything. I’m not sure how I would ever let go of that. I don’t even know if I want to? I almost feel I can’t be happy cos I feel ashamed for it
How can someone be happy when their mum died? Does it look like I don’t care? I dunno I just seem to wanna hurt myself over and over and I know deep down mum wouldn’t want me to be doing this.
Guilt or regrets - whatever one it is. It sucks and it’s probably been the most difficult part so far for me. Like all the good stuff I did for and with her are forgotten and I can only think of the times I let her down
I just wish I could tell her I’m so sorry and I wish she could somehow let me know she’s somewhere near by and that she is ok x
I just don’t like the idea that that’s it for her? That it’s over? That she isn’t near me? I hate the idea il never see her face i hear her voice ever again. I just have to hope and pray that there is something more to us humans and our energy never dies? That she’s around me and my kids and she’s happy.
Sorry for the long message
It’s been a really hard day today and I’ve been up crying all night so just writing everything that’s in my head here
Xx
There is no need to apologise for posting a long message. This community provides a space to do this. A lot has happened to you in a short time and your grief is still very raw. Try to be kind to yourself. Not only are you dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions from your grief, you are also looking after a toddler which can be, as all mums will understand, very tiring and demanding.
I hope it has helped you to write all your feelings down. No one here will judge you. There is a difference between being guilty and feeling guilty. Feeling guilty is very common after a bereavement, but it often is not rational. It is clear from your words and your sadness how much you loved your mum and what she meant to you, and she would have known that.
You wrote these words:
Please do not harm yourself. If at any time things feel too much, there are lots of helplines you could phone. You can post on here as often as you need to and I would also be happy for you to send me a private message.
You are in my thoughts, sending you love and hug,
I am so sorry for your loss. I also found this forum after a moment of feeling sad at things I said and things that I wish I had done better. I remember breaking down and shouting at my lovely mum a couple of times when I was burnt out and just felt so traumatised by her pain, even though it was my mum bravely going through it and lying helpless in bed. I feel sad for all of the things I tried to find and bought to improve little things here and there that were never quite right ….my mum would always say “don’t worry” but I lived a few hundred miles away and wanted to get things right so badly each time I visited. I kept feeling like a failure.
I feel bad that I took on my mum’s own trait of not wanting to show a fuss which meant that towards the end of her life I didn’t shout loud enough for her. I hate how much she suffered and wish that I had made earlier interventions even though she didn’t want to go back to hospital.
It is so painful - but
I know though that my mum would not want me to feel this way and would want me to remember her before she became so ill. She experienced many difficulties in her life including the loss of a child, which I take to my heart but I have hope that she is with him now.
Your mum, I am sure would want you to remember her without dwelling on the times you feel so desperately bad about. To relive these things stops you from thinking about better times - I am sure she would rather you remember those times instead.
I hope that you stay strong and know that she is at peace now. We all need to remember the good times more than the bad x
I also have guilt after mum dying, but it’s because I couldn’t get her eldest son to visit her, and had to tell her he wouldn’t come, she died 4 hours later, so I feel it was my fault
I just wanna thank you all for replying to me and for all the lovely words!
It’s been 9 months now since mum moved on. It’s almost harder than ever at the moment. This time last year she got her diagnosis and then went down hill pretty fast with the treatments.
I have had some happy moments over the last few months, but she’s always there in my heart sharing in those with me. I had my birthday and her photo has been with me at every big event. I do know she would want me to be happy. I know she would have forgiven me anything, it’s just how we where. We’d argue like sisters (she was 17 when she had me so a young mum) but we would always forgive and forget. We knew we loved eachother a lot. Still, it’s hard.
It’s coming up to Christmas again and I am kinda dreading it this year. I want to make it special for the children of course, but inside it just feels like I’ve a knot in my tummy constantly. It’s just hit me all over again.
And the one person I’d usually call was her when I was anxious or sad. And she always knew what to say.
I miss her every single day.
I was having therapy, and it did really help a bit.
See me and mum where very spiritual and I kinda lost my faith after she went.
I was seeing signs like rainbows and robins etc but I was now questioning if was just a coincidence?
My therapist said mum was trying to send signs and to stop ignoring them and embrace them and to see the positive as I used to.
So one night before bed I’m crying and saying mum I need a sign.
That night I dream of her, clear as day! She looks at me and says, I am not dead? Why does everyone think I’ve gone? I’m happy to see her and say we must tell everyone your back people will be happy to see you but they might think we’ve lied or something along those lines? I was worried she’d get into trouble for pretending to be gone? She looked at me in my eyes and clearly says to me, I am right here I am not dead, we do not die, it’s just different. And fades away.
I woke up and I kinda just knew it was her telling me she was still around. She was smiling and happy and I felt a bit better for a bit. Although it was just a dream, I felt she had given me a message that she’s not really gone far.
I knwi not everyone beloved these things and my faith had certainly been tested. But for me that was enough to give me hope again.
I’m now back here to the present day and feeling so so lost and alone. I cry myself to sleep most nights with my husband snoring beside me. I don’t let him see me cry no more. I just kinda wanna share that with mum and god only.
But it kinda gets less heavy to carry, then seems to get heavier for a while, then the load gets lighter again. And I think that’s how it will always be now.
I hope everyone feeling sad and alone, anyone crying themselves to sleep feeling lost or broken, I hope so much we can all find peace. I believe one day we will learn to use the love we shared with our special people and turn that into peace for ourselves - as we move forward in life, they will be beside us. In our hearts. Our thoughts etc. they will never truely be far away. And one day, they will be there waiting to greet us with big smiles in their faces saying, see, I told you it wasn’t goodbye
That must have been so painful for you. But you know that you tried to get him there. You didn’t break her heart, he did! You was there with her loving her reassuring her. Not your fault at all! And you know this deep down. I’m so sorry for your loss and for the brother who let you and your mum down. That was unfair of him to leave that to you.
Your mum was lucky she had you with her there. And in sure she felt that.
I can tell by your lovely words what a beautiful person you are. Thank you. That meant so much to see those words and to hear your story.
You are also right. As a mum myself I’d never want my children to suffer or feel sad or guilty. I knwi my mum would be the same.
I’ve mostly been good the last few months, with hiccups here and there. I talk to mum all the time and talk about her to anyone that will listen. I love that I can keep her alive that way. But it’s gotten heavy again at the moment. I think with that it’s natural for your thoughts to focus on the bad times, so I try to push those away and replace them with happier memories. This time last year she was here and just been diagnosed. We all changed our plans for Christmas to make sure we gave her the best one ever! But she died 3 days before. She was so excited. She was so unwell but she was excited for Christmas with us all, we had made a massive effort for her. And she knew it. And she deserved it!
So I think this time of year will always be a bit tricky for me now. Mix of emotions really. Knowing I was doing a good thing for her, but gutted she never got that day.
Just breaks me into pieces. But I know it will get lighter to carry again and it will likely always be that way. Heavy at times and lighter again. It won’t ever go away because that’s the price we pay for love. And id not want to trade that for anything. So I carry the grief and loss and pain as a medal of honour niw. It gets unbearable at times, but I am greatful I had her as my mum and for that amazing mum I now have the grief. To remind me how lucky I was
Hi Ciss, do you think that maybe she was only holding on for him? My brother lived in Italy and was not present in her care. I was furious with him for his lack of input over the last months when our mum desperately wanted him there.
He came to her at the very end and I made him stay with her at the hospital. I think she only held on as long as she could but was in pain.
This is not your guilt to bear x
Since my mum died. I have tried not to be angry with my brother as the guilt is for him to come to terms with. You may have instead released her from hanging on longer than she could bear.
Sending best wishes to you. You are so right, grief is the price we pay for having loved someone so much. I hope that Christmas time is filled with light xx
