What do I do about my feelings of guilt?

Losing a parent
21

I have found this tonight while searching for how to deal with guilt after a loss.
My amazing mum passed 3 days before Christmas.
Honestly it completely broke me.
She was 57
Had been told her cancer treatment was working only a week before. We had planned to celebrate the results but sadly, didn’t get that chance.
When I had her in my home last, she took a shower. Her place was so cold she wanted to have a warm shower and get dressed in comfort. Obviously I was happy to do that for her. She only lives 20 mins away so I collected her.
While here she completely flooded the bathroom. I mean the floor was covered in water atleast a couple in he’s deep? Still to this day have no idea how she managed that? But I went in and said, wow mum how have you done this? I got to clearing it up. Didn’t shout at her, nothing like that. She was quiet and I didn’t pay much attention as I was worried the ceiling would start to leak.
10 mins later she comes down stairs
In my sons dressing gown
I said where’s my one I gave you? Go back up and the floors covered in water again. My dressing gown thrown said soaked? So I did tell her off. I asked wtf happened? Why didn’t you shout me? The ceiling could collapse as there was so much water in floor and I’d used every towel in the house to dry it?
She started to cry. I felt awful but still just wanted her to say I’m sorry?
Within 2 weeks of that event (despite there being many more nicer encounters between us) she died.
I feel like the biggest bit h in the world for shouting at her and making her cry. I know I was stressed cos I had to collect my 3 year old at nursery. I had to clean the floor twice and was worried about it ruining the ceiling etc. but my mum was ill
I think she couldn’t turn off the shower? I don’t know? But it haunts me a bit. The day before she died I saw her and had dropped some shopping off.
I had maybe half hour in her home and had to rush away (3 days before Christmas with a toddler in tow) last thing she said was il speak to you tomorrow. Tomorrow never came
And I feel awful I didn’t stay longer or tell her I love you mum. I was in such a rush I didn’t even say love you mum.
wtf
These things are breaking my heart. I’m still crying every day. I miss her so much.
She was the bravest funniest most amazing person. And I wish so much I’d told her more.
It’s only been 6 weeks. So I knwi I have a way to go. But the idea il never see her or get to tell her I love her it just hurts so much. All the plans we had for Christmas too. Just everything. I’m not sure how I would ever let go of that. I don’t even know if I want to? I almost feel I can’t be happy cos I feel ashamed for it
How can someone be happy when their mum died? Does it look like I don’t care? I dunno I just seem to wanna hurt myself over and over and I know deep down mum wouldn’t want me to be doing this.
Guilt or regrets - whatever one it is. It sucks and it’s probably been the most difficult part so far for me. Like all the good stuff I did for and with her are forgotten and I can only think of the times I let her down
I just wish I could tell her I’m so sorry and I wish she could somehow let me know she’s somewhere near by and that she is ok x
I just don’t like the idea that that’s it for her? That it’s over? That she isn’t near me? I hate the idea il never see her face i hear her voice ever again. I just have to hope and pray that there is something more to us humans and our energy never dies? That she’s around me and my kids and she’s happy.

Sorry for the long message
It’s been a really hard day today and I’ve been up crying all night so just writing everything that’s in my head here :broken_heart:
Xx

1 Like
22

Dear Margatititta,

There is no need to apologise for posting a long message. This community provides a space to do this. A lot has happened to you in a short time and your grief is still very raw. Try to be kind to yourself. Not only are you dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions from your grief, you are also looking after a toddler which can be, as all mums will understand, very tiring and demanding.

I hope it has helped you to write all your feelings down. No one here will judge you. There is a difference between being guilty and feeling guilty. Feeling guilty is very common after a bereavement, but it often is not rational. It is clear from your words and your sadness how much you loved your mum and what she meant to you, and she would have known that.

You wrote these words:

Please do not harm yourself. If at any time things feel too much, there are lots of helplines you could phone. You can post on here as often as you need to and I would also be happy for you to send me a private message.
You are in my thoughts, sending you love and hug,

‘Jo60plus’

23

I am so sorry for your loss. I also found this forum after a moment of feeling sad at things I said and things that I wish I had done better. I remember breaking down and shouting at my lovely mum a couple of times when I was burnt out and just felt so traumatised by her pain, even though it was my mum bravely going through it and lying helpless in bed. I feel sad for all of the things I tried to find and bought to improve little things here and there that were never quite right ….my mum would always say “don’t worry” but I lived a few hundred miles away and wanted to get things right so badly each time I visited. I kept feeling like a failure.

I feel bad that I took on my mum’s own trait of not wanting to show a fuss which meant that towards the end of her life I didn’t shout loud enough for her. I hate how much she suffered and wish that I had made earlier interventions even though she didn’t want to go back to hospital.

It is so painful - but

I know though that my mum would not want me to feel this way and would want me to remember her before she became so ill. She experienced many difficulties in her life including the loss of a child, which I take to my heart but I have hope that she is with him now.

Your mum, I am sure would want you to remember her without dwelling on the times you feel so desperately bad about. To relive these things stops you from thinking about better times - I am sure she would rather you remember those times instead.

I hope that you stay strong and know that she is at peace now. We all need to remember the good times more than the bad x