Thank you very, very much, for your reply Jonathan. Just the the fact that you replied means the world to me atm, so thank you again. I’ve recently moved home into a smaller town, away from where Me & Mum were. Like I said, 2019 and also the beginning of this year has been a blur, well a world of pain, that I’ve pushed down, “when I could”. I had a nightmare with that town/city’s previous council. They just heaped on more pain to the point of near total breakdown, as I knew that I had to leave my flat but I did not want to stay in that town/city or have to present myself as homeless into their hostel system . They promised me a small flat away from that area. I was given date after date to move in to this so called flat?!. It was actually mental torture as I knew I was gonna be evicted from a private rented flat, so it was a race to what appeared first. Out of the blue , I received a call from another council, telling me that I had been nominated for a flat in a completely different area. The name of the flats and the road that they are in, is the same name of flats and same name of road but different town as the flat that my Mother was happiest in. It really was the strangest thing!? It got me away from that town/city of which I grew to despise and it’s council. They were waiting for me to be in their hostel system , I’m convinced (just another number to make up the numbers) & as soon as i could, i moved into the flat in that other town far enough away from that place town/city. Mum knew i hated that town/city, as I repeated it enough before she got ill, that when she’s gone, I’m out of there. I was gonna write this yesterday as I reply to another post. It related to spirituality. The first thing my ex said was that’s your Mum & that’s helped a great deal. Honestly, I still am in disbelief as it really was the strangest thing!? I promised myself when “pushing it down” that i will allow myself to grieve & this it what I’m doing. I miss her terribly & the guilt can overwhelme me at times but as i live alone I allow myself to cry, not say stop! “I can’t do this now”! I literally trained myself to not grieve. I’ve had enough experience of life to know that it was extremely unhealthy! I came back on to this site ( I found it last year when Mum died) yesterday as it seemed Like a dam bursting but that’s ok. I’m a man, we dont do that, especially in public!! This site is a Godsend! Thank you for being honest especially around the no hugging. I kissed Mum on the cheek when I’d see her or rather was leaving her. The day that she was told her diagnosis & no cure!! More about that another time. I went to put my arms around her and she used her palms to block, prod me away. I’ve gone over that many times. We did have a strained relationship but like my ex said in a text yesterday, she knew you loved her, you were there for her always and just the fact that she knew you loved her meant the world to her! I don’t come from a family that hugged. I seem to be very different to the rest of them!! Don’t get me wrong, I can be cold but I am capable of listening & compassion and understanding whereas they are like psychopaths. They are incapable of feeling anything but for themselves. I feel a little bad outing them on here but that’s the truth. Mum however was not anywhere near as bad as “them” , we were very alike although she liked a drink . That was her way of coping. Something she said to me before she died was (no thanks to my so called family) that her friend who knew her from childhood said “Terry (Teresa) you’ve had a HARD, HARD life”! That breaks me up! I wish she never told me her friend said that to her in the hospital but she did & its true!
Thank you again Jonathan for what you said & thank you for your honesty and thank you for taking the time to reply.