For all who have only lived our life of being a couple for many-several years, what now that one of us has now been taken away from us, our future, we are now an elderly singleton, our couple life as we know it, knew it is over-it has ended, now what, what is our future, we are still here, we might not want to be still here but we are…We are at the age to not start a new life, a new relationship, would be very hard yet not impossible, nor even want to start afresh at our age…so what is waiting in front of us, a retirement complex of some sort, not something we are eager to reach, our final chapter in our life, the ending of our book…well i am not eager to reach this final chapter…even though i know my best chapter came along at the right time of age for me and my Richard, 48 and 54…we were both not too young nor neither too old…I am fully aware we are now at the age of our final chapter, so is now our book closed…have we had what was once as good as it gets…where only a retirement type building is our next and final stop-off, before it becomes our turn to be taken from this world…
My Richards way of thinking was he was not old ( i used to rib him and call him old man because he was 5 - 6 years older than me yet had always been in good health ) well in his words, it would not have mattered what age he was, as long as he had his health, he would not have seen himself as an old man…nor accepted himself as to being an old man, whether being in his 60’s - 70’s - 80’s or 90’s…and he couldn’t see why he wouldn’t make it to his 100’s…and still driving a car…
You should adopt Richards way of thinking then, Jackie. Don’t see yourself as old either as Richard didn’t. Live your life the best way you can with the cards you’ve been dealt.
The truth is, our load is far, far heavier than it was for sure. But that’s because we carry our amazing men with us now rather than having them walking by our side.
He ain’t heavy, he’s my hubby (slight difference in lyrics) but, it’s the song I have in my heart and the one I sing the most. Sometimes I cry as I sing it but I sing it all the same.
But I’m strong, strong enough to carry him.
He ain’t heavy, he’s my husband.
Sometimes though, he does get heavy CW, on the bad days, but we trudge along don’t we? But we are strong, strong enough to carry our wonderful, amazing, beautiful men and proud to do so. Take note dear Jackie. Sing along with us…
Love to you both xx
You’ve got me singing, although if my Richard was here he would have other words to describe my singing …well maybe just maybe he would say nothing, just give one of his funny looks…
Hi Jackie, I know that look you mentioned. Yes I agree take your lovely Richards opinion, you are not finished yet, non of us are. We might feel it at times but as that song goes we carry our loved ones with us wherever we go, whatever cards we are dealt. True, it can seem rubbish at this moment but have faith that God has something planned for us all, you included Jackie. Those retirement complex’s are not bad at all we have some built by us and they are really very nice. I can’t consider one as I have the dogs and they are not allowed. Please don’t think of them as the finish of life. I know people that are selling their nice homes to move into them.
Love
Pat xxx
Jeremy’s been gone four months now. We found out he had brain tumours middle of July and he died in the September. He didn’t want anyone to know he was ill. He didn’t want an announcement in the local paper. We had a very quiet funeral which is what Jeremy wanted. I’m eating properly now. But get lonely, as we only wanted each other , we met when I was 16 and J 20yrs. So been together 60 yrs .
I hope it will get better, the tears are running down my face as I write this .
Some night I watch tv all night , some nights I do sleep on and off .
I don’t tell my daughters any of this . Put a good face on and smile and say I’m alright thank you x
Pat…
… i am not dismissing these retirement blocks, yes plenty of company but no back garden to call your own and have a dog running around in it…I just dont feel ready for one yet, i believe i still have a life, although my MS might tell me different…
Volvo…
… yes same with me and my Richard, he would have been 75 last week only he never made it, i lost him April last year to a heart blockage…yes it was a life of 20 years of just the two of us and our then three dogs…we too never socialised with friends just visited Stately Homes, tented craft fairs, village open gardens…Been nine months for me and not one day has gone, that i have not cried…
Dear Volvo - I hope this site will help bring you some comfort. This is a place where you can talk about how you are feeling and you will be understood, never judged. I often cry as I am pouring out my thoughts, or reading those of others. We are all here for the same sad reason.
Sixty years is a very long time to share your life with another. I’m sure the loss of your Jeremy must be overwhelming. We had 40 years, and I’m trying my best to be thankful for that. It’s been 7 months for me, and I don’t know about “better”. It’s very difficult getting used to being alone, and some days are much harder than others for me., as it must be for you. I’m just going one day at a time, trying to find something positive , so matter how small it might be.
I stopped saying I was okay, or alright and started just saying “It is very different.” Some people understand, and some don’t. Everyone on this site knows that lives have been irrevocably changed. They will offer you comfort and support whenever you need it. Do not hesitate to share - it does help to relieve all the thoughts swirling about inside. Peace be with you.
Thank you for your lovely kind words Heather_Diane. A lady I met in our small town stopped me last month to offer her condolences. She said to me ,when her husband died, her doctor told her when feeling sad to ask her late husband to hold her hand, I do this and I do find it helps me. Also I feel Jeremy’s presence is still in the house, we lived here for 48yrs. If I can’t find certain things I ask him where it can be found , sure enough shortly I can find the item. His clothes are still in the cupboard. I wear Jeremy’s jumpers as they fit me and give me comfort also his fleece when I go out, all for comfort. He was a lovely man , a good husband and father. Love from Gwyneth
Hello Gwyneth,
Thank you for your posts, I am very sorry that you have lost your husband, my husband passed away over 5 months ago. It is a lonely life, yet people like us have been very lucky to have such a long time with them. I first started walking out, my friend’s mother’s expression, with Stan on the 7t h February 1957, I was 17 years old he was 22 years old and that was that.
I hope that you will gain comfort from this group.
Blessings,
MaryL
Hi everyone…I lost my partner 5 months ago(heart attack) and day after day…cried…longed for him to be with me to talk/laugh/hug/hold hands/intimacy…my rock has been my mother who lives with me (aged 87)…she lost my father 1974 (aged 40) sudden brain haemorage, just come in from work died in front of us december 21st (what a xmas that was )…my brother died 2002 (aged 38 bone cancer)…I understand now how everyday she talks about my dad…she never went with another man just says “he was the only one for me.”…she brought us up on her own (4 of us…under 15 yrs old)…i realise now how hard it must have been her grieving and having to deal with us so young…her stance on life always has been…"live life "…so now im selling the house…(not good for my mum)…going to rent bungalow…buy campervan and travel…take my mum .out as much as i can…brian/my dad/brother would have wanted me to “live life”…see what holds in the future…x take a leaf out my mums book. X
Thank you for your kind and helpful words Mary , today is cold and wet but I have a lovely warm home, I’ve just had a tasty m& s dinner and a piece of Bara Birth. I didn’t sleep well last night. I had a message from my sister-in-Law telling me of death in her sons family . A young a man died in front of his partner, and left two babies. Life can be so cruel, the family are there for young Bex, but she has a hard life ahead. They live in a small village where people rallied round . I hope for that small family that the power of family love will help young Bex x
Hello Pat thank you for you message of comfort. Your mum reminds me of my late husbands mother. She came to the north from Cambridge to work in our post office. His dad died in 1946 at the end of the war, she was left with two small boys to bring up .She stayed in the North and worked as a school dinner lady. After she died in 1960 I can remember reading , their love letters. She also didn’t remarry and must have been so lonely without any of her immediate family. Thank you again Pat
Hello Gwyneth, Your situation is so similar to mine that I had to write to you. My husband also wanted no one to know about his illness and it was our secret for ten years and right up to the end. No notice in the paper either, all mourners were by invitation only and as he was a Country and Western singer he sang at his own funeral as I found a CD of his band up the back of the wardrobe and amazingly it didn’t make me sad I was full of pride singing to me. I also kept some of his jumpers and fleeces and his waterproofs as we was walkers. I’m afraid I too have asked Brian about things and he has always come to me and helped me, he has showed me where things were that I had no knowledge of and when I first went shopping I would have terrible attacks in the middle of the supermarket and I would keep asking him to help me. Like you I felt him giving me a helping hand. So that ladies advice was spot on. Your loss is still raw only four months, I have been travelling down that hard road for over a year now and I can admit to finding things are becoming more acceptable, not what I want but it’s what I have now. I have made an effort to accept my own company and didn’t try to rush out and join clubs etc I waited for that acceptance to come from within as groups were not what I wanted although I have always been a good mixer. Now it is happening, slowly, not rushing. I kept up with my own interests which were his as well. Do not be afraid to grieve, don’t hold it back it does relieve the tension. I still cry everyday but do I really want to stop, do I want to stop grieving for my lovely man. I like to believe that he’s there with me when I cry giving me a nudge and reminding me to think of him.
I am so pleased that you can feel Jeremy’s presence as I too can feel Brian with me when I go walking, he promised he would be looking after me and told me to take him with me, sometime I take a photo out of my pocket and show him where we are. Daft some might say but we have to do what we can to find peace and I and so many others on this forum have found that love doesn’t stop with death. You will find help on this forum and we all understand.
xxx
. I sing that too:
But I’m strong, strong enough to carry him.