What do you do

For over 7 years since my partner lost both our mums my partner refuses to talk to me about feeling grief. She says we need to let it go she’s driving me mad. I have said this to her I’ve even said to her not once did you show me any support. I tried to show it to her. I don’t live with her but lately she’s caused one hell of a huge argument. We’ve been together nearly 17 years to say I’m fuming with her is an understatement I am so very close to just walking away remove her out of my life. Can someone help me

Hi Steven

I’m not an expert, but it sounds like you and your partner deal with grief in different ways. You want to talk it through (just like me) - she doesn’t. You might want to find some articles about silent grief which may help to explain this.

Or it may be that you each have different feelings about the loss of your mothers - and she may find your way of expressing grief something she finds hard to deal with because it doesn’t resonate with how she is dealing with her loss. So asking for her support in this may be asking for something she can’t, rather than won’t, give.

In either case ( and remember I’m no expert, so both could be wrong) if you are still struggling after seven years it might be time for you to get counselling, or join a bereavement support group where you can express your feelings freely without putting pressure on your partner.

I hope this is of some use, and you can find the support that will help you.

Best wishes



Hello thanks for your reply. They were helpful comments
The thing is I don’t think it is silent grief I know her so well but maybe I don’t know her as well as I think. I’d like to think I do.
When I lost my mum 5 months before her mum in April 2017 I was dealing with my grief and yeah I am but not as much as I am now. My partner didn’t have a clue how I was feeling. Back then I still didn’t get any support I felt so alone to this day I still do. My partner can’t fathom how much I have changed in 7 years I’m not the person I used to be. I have tried so much to try and communicate with my partner and yeah she can’t see the grief I am suffering deep inside. She don’t have a clue that I don’t want to be alive no more.
When she lost her mum she did show some grief but I was starting to realise it had hit me more than I could ever imagine. This was after we lost her mum. Her mum was like a mum to me but she was still trying to come to the realisation of what happened to her. It was back then I felt we had to unite in grief. I read about uniting that it wouid help us both to cope with our loss. To this day I have never been able to tell how I feel about uniting.
I have had bereavement counselling it didn’t really help. I’ll look into a bereavement group it’s worth a go.
What I can’t cope with her is her attitude towards my feelings.

Hi Steven

Thanks for getting back. From what you are saying, I think you should try to see your doctor and tell them how you are feeling. It may be that there is something else going on alongside the grief.

Please get help and look after yourself.

I’ll keep an eye on this thread if you want to carry on chatting.

Best wishes


Hi I have already been to see my doctor he seems to think anti depressants are the answer. I told him don’t want to suppress how I’m feeling. It’s grief. You don’t suppress grief. He said try bereavement counselling. I have tried it twice. It did nothing for me. All it did was confirm how much I am grieving
I do know one thing that all I want to do is cry continuously but crying never takes away grief. It just reminds me how hurt we can become we know how hurt we are. I don’t want to be keep being reminded of how much pain I’m in.
Grief is like an old friend.

1 Like

Hi Steven

I am sorry you are hurting so much. You say " you don’t suppress grief". Do you know about the dual process model of grief? It talks about the balance between feeling your grief and allowing yourself to be distracted from it. Maybe a counsellor, not a bereavement counsellor, could explore with you why you are still feeling so much pain?

I hope you can find a way of allowing yourself to honour your grief but build a positive life alongside it. I also hope you might like to tell me a bit about your mother. She was obviously special.

Best wishes


Hi no what I meant was that anti depressants suppress grief. It’s not normal to suppress grief.
She’s my mum she’s offcourse speciak.
What do you want to know about my mum?

I want to turn the clock way back before November 2016 and none of this would be real. Can someone invent a way to turn back time so I can get my mum back.


I’d love to turn the clock back to 7.30am on that Saturday 15 months ago when everything seemed normal, and know that my partner wouldn’t be dead an hour later. It just isn’t going to happen - all we can do is our best to carry on with what they gave us.

Take care


Yes I know and that’s what I’m trying to but as much as I try it’s so hard. I didn’t ask for any of this