I was very fortunate in that when my Dad passed away I had lots of friends and colleagues say lovely things and send cards with beautiful messages. Now my friend’s Mum has passed away…and I really don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to write or what to send to her if anything. I remember a lot of the time I was just grateful that people “tried” to support me. I feel really silly, like everyone else knows how to act and I don’t. I’ve lost a parent so surely should know what to say to someone else who has. Anyone else experienced this?
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@Eponine I also had a lot of support when my boyfriend died suddenly over 6 months ago. Even just other people’s presence was supportive, they didn’t have to say anything. A couple of months ago someone at my exercise class lost her husband suddenly. She came back to class last week and I witnessed others offering her support. I thought she was really stoic in coming back to class after 2 months, it took me 5 months. But I couldn’t reach out to her, I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to start crying in front of her. Nobody except the teacher knows my story and I can only cope this way at present.
Perhaps we are too raw at the moment and lack the capacity for showing empathy?
Maybe you could drop in and visit her, with flowers? That might mean more.
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Thank you, I might do that
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I recently lost my husband and found that decision making was so hard i couldnt even decide what to feed mg kids and found myself wandering around like a lemon. The best thing i got was grief groceries! great i didnt have to decide what to eat i had food in to eat and i could feed my kids without having to think about it. They even provided receipe cards and a take away voucher. Lots of people sent flowers and i found myself lost where to put them. Maybe its too much as this was from a family member but something on a smaller scale maybe xx
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Great idea
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In terms of what to put in cards, i always avoid cards that have verses like “may the memories of your loved one bring you comfort” because when you’re in deep pain that just makes me cringe and doesnt comfort me at all! If i knew the person, i try and put a personal memory of them in there, either a moment i remember, or something ill miss about them.
Grief groceries as suggested by ToriaVic are a great idea. And ive read its best not to say “how can i help/let me know if you need help” - that places all the effort back on the griever to work out what help they need. Be specific - if they have a dog, offer to walk it. If they have kids offer to babysit/take them out.
Their grief may also be very different to your own experience, so its also about supporting them however they choose to deal with it. I had a friend who had to keep herself busy in the early weeks whereas i could barely move!
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Completely agree with what you say
Ally. Memories are a funny thing aren’t they? Sometimes they seem to comfort and bring a smile, other times they seem to add to the pain and increase the sadness. As you say we’re all affected differently
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